"Love is a story told to a friend...it's second hand..."Joni Mitchell - Day 9

I was on a roll yesterday writing two posts. Today started off ok .Went from a great yoga class in the morning to a meeting with a fellow practitioner who turns out has been studying women's gender studies at University, whilst raising 3 kids. She didn't mention her husband at all and finally it came out that she is not happy there .Sigh. But I still felt empowered, glad I had made my decision, the master or rather mistress of my own destiny.

Then as the day wore on I became progressively more tired. Tasks that have been put off all these last days of confusion needed doing, papers filed( still not done), accountant contacted, kid's Giraffe language class evaluations , then to my Mom's for lunch with the kids ( she's 84 and old but still aware of what's going on and has her views :-) I told her about my short affair. She  pointed out something which I chose not to think about before. If this is what he's doing to HER, he could do the same to you in a few years. Why do you need this?

So, what's left? Practice mindfullness on this whole thing, I mean, God what else can I do? Everytime I close my eyes I see his face. I open them take a deep breath and say: THINKING, and carry on. And then again and again and again. Just notice..

And thoughts keep coming at me.

I'm tired , all I want is to sleep. The thought " how could I be so dumb?!" comes. Major judgement Jackal raising his head. Really, I just didn't expect to like him so much, to be swept off my feet! Or maybe I did?  Byron Katie says:" What you have is what you need and it is also what you want" How do I eat that? 

And what do I want? A big kinda love, one that laughs hugs, alot of touch, fights gets angry, forgives cries,  rolls around, sees places together, goes to movies, eats great food, one that uses all the senses, and just experiences life at it's fullest, richest - lives! Is aware, is wanting to be more aware, happier, to use life as Ram Dass puts it : Grist for the Mill. (thank you brother Yuval for introducing me to him 25 years ago) 

And mostly, I just want to be happy to wake up together and go to sleep peacefully, with no doubt in my heart, with a man I love...

A man who enjoys life and wants to live it every moment, not getting up to go to a job he hates and has been wanting to get out of for years, but instead, plays it safe..and plays it safe in a relationship that doesn't meet his needs anymore. (Did you read that? You know who you are..)Sorry this was written with anger and bitterness in my heart...

Enough. 

Tomorrow morning is still you people-in- other- lands evening so I will write tomorrow, and hopefully start getting on track of my life again..my business my work, my vision, my aspirations, Yallah as we say, here in the Middle East let's go!! 

It's the next morning. Went to sleep heavily, forgot again to do a Gratitude list and a list of things I did differently, like my therapist suggests. Even if it's a small thing give it acknowledgment,  she says, it's like harvesting, little by little. I have such a tendency to see what's wrong! Like my friend and soul sister Sara says....this whole experience has come to show you that it IS possible to find someone who suits you just fine...it's still kind of hard for me to see it in that way. So I woke up groggy, tightness in my shoulders (Anne Catherine my Yoga teacher, said yesterday they were like stone) but started to move the day. I am thankful I have these kids to get up to...

Did 10 minutes "sitting" watching my thoughts, then another ten handwriting, then off to school.

And now I am looking at what I wrote and wondering to myself what is relevant to this blog, to you out there, because I still want so much to be useful in some way.

When I review my life I have always written.  Pages upon pages. Writing comforts me, particularly hand writing does it for me, but not only- as I am finding in this challenge.....  It soothes. comforts, heals, releases, it's something which is always there, always available, I don't need to go anywhere or make an appointment. Wow,  now that's a resource.  I even used my lists and notebooks in the last piece I created in a group show , of 100 Israeli women artists who were each given a mannequin , and asked to dress it with her feelings about feminism, and/or their own personal journey. So you can see my contribution here and here. (Please use zoom to see the details) I took old notebooks, lists, of every kind that I saved and papier mached them all, covering her from head to toe, and then making a Mask, headdress, all from my words. In the back is her papier-mached brain, and the skull made from my metalwork. It's quite a complicated piece..like me, and not so easily "read" so maybe it doesn't really communicate so well. Actually, it got lost amongst the colorful crowd around me. I called it: " Same Old Yael, Older Body" , written on the neckpiece she is wearing, made of brass wire and on her Headress - " Does Anyone Really Change?

That's all for now...love to all. Enjoy