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Friday, June 18, 2010

I'm Weak..or Am I? - day 10

 photo credit  my friiend from Holland , artist Morea  van t Hullenaar find her @mokusa on twitter

I'm weak

Judgment Jackal

A Hug, a hug a hug
Hugs are so tempting.

Am I weak?
My heart's there
My thoughts are there
So what if my body is or isn't there, so what?
And yet

Trying to disconnect
He keeps coming back, saying
I can't not talk to you, hear your voice, your laughter
Mail you, text you.

So, here I am, looking at needs that would be met in a balanced, loving relationship - not to mention , open one

Sexual expression (yes!)
Warmth - absolutely, alot of it
Friendship (YES!)
Tenderness (love me tender, love me true)
Empathy (how did I forget that one?)
A mutual Vision, meaning
Happiness- to be in a state of happiness is our birthright, I believe that. And we're doing the world a big service, by being happy. It's contagious

Wow, so many needs could and would be met in the right relationship - with the right man. And they all spell out the word- LOVE

Watching my thoughts. My body. Levels of discomfort. Of comfort. Body tense? No good for Yael. Body relaxed? Good for Yael. It's as simple as that
.It's like all my life I am looking, searching for the key, and it's right here, under my nose. Under my head (-:

Last night, he came by. Called to ask, could he please have a hug. And he meant it, to my surprise. It was me who led the way to the bedroom, not that there was any objection on his part. How could there be? But after a few minutes, a deep , long long gaze into my eyes: I really came just for a hug, your hug. Why is that hard for me to believe?

I want to call the shots here, stay connected to myself, not be led...

I'm completely transparent, To anyone reading this, but mostly to him. He notices every breath I take, every in-breath and out breath, giving them meaning, asking, are you frustrated, dissatisfied? He notices it all, like I'm his object of meditation. Even through the cell phone he can tell where I am, by my reactions, my silence...I'm so vulnerable! It's just so much easier to do this on my own! Or is it? When I was very young, in my 20's I read in some book on Astrology that the most important transformational work we can do is with a partner. And I believe that.

It's the 400 word mark now Why did Bindu ask us to write 800 words? Yesterday (a little comic relief here folks ) my son says, as I am telling about this challenge to his Dad, " That's easy! Who's gonna know if you did it or not?!?"  It's not school, Tomi! I answer him, we laugh together.
Well I think I know...whenever I meet that 400 word mark, I know the rest is gonna flow out, and bring with it alot more.

So, This Man is my reality, now. He is my meditation, my response, the way I feel, everything is highlighted. I am in relation to some one. It is a challenge, an opportunity. I can't hide, where could I go?
Just read this from Jackie Walker a fellow challenge member:

"If I’m being true to myself and exploring new things, as long as I feel peace in my heart, I’ll continue.  If I feel that something isn’t congruent to my peace, I stop.

So here's the thing: when we agreed to disconnect for awhile, till he moves out, which he says he is planning to do at the end of July, I was at peace. Then he re- appears for the hug, boom, peace is out the door. Now don't get me wrong. When he's here I am at peace, I feel comfortable,  when he goes and stories start to flood, did I didn't I , should I shouldn't I. Then the trouble begins. Notice that. Whenever I need to choose a course of action, even yesterday I noticed it with a friend. So hard for me to choose, what is right??

Breath. Notice.What else is there to do, not try to rush in and fix it. Move it. To change it. It's called self-empathy, or mindfulness. Just be with it.

Yesterday I bought five books, four of them translations, at a sale at the local book store. I came in wanting to buy just " Goddesses In Everywoman" by Jean Shinoda Bolen. A book by a therapist about how the Goddesses' archetypes live in each of us. Came out with "Anne Frank- A Diary of a Young Girl" been meaning to read that again, Tom Sawyer,  The Wise Heart, by Jack Kornfield, and an Israeli Original, by Etgar Keret. short stories

I opened The Wise Heart in the place where he talks about how Dian Fossey and her predecessor managed to learn so much about the gorillas, where others before them had failed. And do you know why? Because the previous scientists came in with guns, with an aggressive energy and the gorillas felt it. Fossey came in quietly, gently, bowing her head in humility, respect. And just sat, and listened and slowly but surely, they let her in, let her become part of the family.

Be gentle to yourself, Yael. Kind. Show your own self, soul some humility, mercy, and respect. But mostly BE.

It's Friday..need to shop, organize , clean, go to the pool later. Relax. Later dear people.


  1. Hello Yael , mmmm , i "ve read the book "goddesses" in every woman , ggrr , got angry , frustrated and rather cynical. Later more , HuG

  2. Did you get angry and frustarted reading my post? tell me more. Thank you!

  3. Listening to your heart and choosing in every moment can never be termed weak. Choosing something as an easy option is still a choice and one to learn from. You are the one who chooses.

    If we really work from the place that there is no failure only feedback, we can build and grow.

    I love that you are willing to stop and breathe before you decide. I used to be a terrible knee jerker and felt pressured to make decisions too quickly. It often led to them not being made at all!

    Jean Shinoda Bolen's book is wonderful. @amypalko does the most amazing work around goddess archetypes and is well worth having a chat with. She's taken the Goddess work to a different level, it's deep and compelling.

  4. Thank you Jackie for you thoughts and sharing your experience with me. I will check Amy out, and definitely read that book. Best and thanx again..

  5. I can relate to this in many ways.

    I am trying so hard to be mindful and to stay. I've been listening to Pema Chodron...I find her voice so soothing and it's helping me break some patterns.

  6. I love Pema Chodron, Alisha, I have read two of her books, she's even been translated to Hebrew. Maybe it's a good idea to get her on tapes...sounds helpful. Thanks for reading and commenting. Much Love

  7. Exactly...just be. Sometimes we think to much and let our ego/our brain trip us up. Then again it seems so simple to say: just be and I know it's not that easy. As long as you are in touch with what's in your heart then don't overthink and especially don't judge yourself. Be gentle, yes, be kind. And give yourself some time to be good to you. Besides, you've got some wonderful books to read. Peace!