I’ve been fighting this relationship from the get-go...drawn to it, scared by it, rationalizing it, hating it, hating myself at times, well not hating but definitely unhappy with me, feeling empowered by saying NO, needing to say NO, and then finally so far, as these words are being written, I have surrendered. What does that word mean? It’s not a war! Why does it feel like one? The thing is that when we’re together it feels so GOOD. It feels right, I am in a relationship, an experience, he is teaching me intimacy. Something I have never known and never thought possible.
Laughing a lot, talking a lot , BEING, just being, gazing into each other’s eyes deeply, getting to know each other...we’re still really strangers! (Frank Sinatra singing in my head. my Mom's favorite)
Yes, it’s true. he’s in a relationship that, according to him , doesn’t work for him on many levels anymore, he’s changed.. They’ve changed, so why doesn’t he leave? Oops, I’m in his business now.
According to Byron Katie, there are three kinds of businesses...yours, mine and God’s, however you understand God to be. The Tao, Mother Nature, The Divine. If I’m in your business ,or God’s, that is, places where I have no say and no control, then I suffer, I feel alone, separate. So I imagine her asking: Who’s business is it with whom he lives? Obviously , his. Also, when I am opposing, resisting, arguing with Reality as it is now, I suffer.
Who would I be without the thought: He should leave her? Someone very much in love, living and enjoying myself! That’s something I have very rarely allowed myself to do. Questions of right and wrong go flying out the door!
Just spoke to an old-new friend. Tal. My family came to live in Davis California in 1965, my Dad was at the University of California there. A short while after our arrival, her parents, newlyweds from Israel also came, and eventually became good friends of my family. I remember her Mom pregnant with her I remember being in awe, my hand on her belly, feeling the movements.
Fast forward many many years , we weren’t in touch for ages Meanwhile her parents had divorced , everyone grew up. The next time I saw her was when I split up from my husband and moved to a smaller town called Hod Hasharon. Her Mom had just died from cancer and as it happened had been living, without my knowledge, around the corner from me.
In the Jewish tradition, it is customary that after a person dies there is a Seven day morning period, when people come to pay their respects and sit with the grieving family. My Mom and I came. And I re-met Tal, who had just given birth for the first time, and was breastfeeding her newborn. In the past few years she had been to India, did a lot of meditation and became, amongst other things, a life coach. Immediately we recognized in each other soul sisters. She makes these wonderful portable Meditation pillows, and has become deeply interested in Nonviolent Communication, the process which I have been living and breathing for the past seven years. We clicked.
In our conversation now she said...Yael, it sounds like this love affair is a lesson for you on how to be fully present in each moment without attachment to end results. Pure and simple. I know what my goal is, I know what I envision in terms of a relationship , a partner that I want. He may or may not be “the one” but I am sure as heck gonna allow myself to LIVE IT.
So is it a surrender? Maybe, but not in the win or lose sense. Rather, it is like relaxing into a Yogic pose. With awareness, with acceptance to where I am now. Breathing, Moving, becoming stronger and more and more flexible in my body, in my life. Yoga!