Welcome To My Blog

The Art of Fine Metalwork and the Art of Empathy and Nonviolent Communication- woven together for you....

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Am I any closer to ME? - challenge day 6

   A Yael  or Ibex, in the Israeli Negev Desert

Now I'm angry and jealous, too.

And I just read this which didn't make me feel any better - from another blog on the challenge - quoted from Eat Pray Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." 

Is this what is happening to me? Well I already quoted Joni- didn't I? Just as I was about to surrender completely to the experience...and just beginning to feel trust, boom, something hits me in the face. Jealousy...all he said was that he's in Tel Aviv on a fashionable avenue , looking at chics as he drives by and that he loves looking at chics and boom I'm hit like a stone..well I wanted to say , hey I love looking at chics too, but I didn't because the next thing you know I'll be hearing an offer to do a threesome. Men are so into that fantasy, aren't they.

So yeah - I feel sad now I feel on a roller coaster ride - and what has happened to my focus? God. I thought I had evolved - I thought I was over men who were in a worse condition than me, I thought I had met an equal!

I wish I had something else to write about, I am hitting myself over the head and nothing nothing will help...no Byron Katie or anything. I am tired- that is the truth. And when you're tired everything seems wrong. I need a break, I have to sleep tonight I just have to. Will continue this later, no one said it has to be written in one sitting, right? Barely through and I feel like I am trudging through. Want to be smart and useful and inspired like all the cool ladies and a couple of guys on this challenge.

Here I am it's almost 2 am and I am awake again...well one thing is clear. Since this affair has begun I am not sleeping at night, and I think that says it all. I went to sleep at 10 o clock and woke up at 1am and that's it...3 hours sleep, that's just not enough!

Let's look at what's happening here...until I met him I was having a great week, I did two evenings on Empathy, was sleeping (well almost) every night. My friend Gila is right -  I must know what I want, If I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who's tied to someone else then that's what I need to do! No one can live my life for me, unfortunately, sometimes I feel. Like I said while I got a warm warm hug from her ( she's 7 months pregnant with her third child and quite big):  Can I get into your womb for awhile? And seriously this is how I often feel. Just someone take care of me again, please! Somehow I think that this challenge and all this writing may lead to something...

Today while I was at my daughter Yasmin's riding class, I spoke to him on the phone. Now normally I'll be watching her class, 'cause it's important to her and to me. Quality time. So I'm talking to him and noticing, I am not at ease. When will I see you again..he asks. How about tomorrow afternoon I can cut out of work early and come over, he says. An afternoon with the lover... Aagh already I begin to feel uncomfortable. And what about that dream I had last week, where it was clear, I don't want to be hidden from sight! I don't want to be someone's affair! What I'm more worried about with this thing, is that again, I am looking outside of myself for the answer. Wake up , girl it's just not going to happen!

I am working hard, so hard in my life, to become more aware, more in touch with my feelings, and to act upon them. And here I am letting that slip away...and for what? To get some loving attention from someone, it seems. I say that to myself as if it's a small thing. I am yearning for it. I haven't really been in a real relationship with someone for years, perhaps never, because my marriage was with a man who is incapable, who was far more out of touch with himself and me. 
Somewhere along the line, in my first relationship, with my mother, I mean, trust was broken. And it must have been at a very young age, and over some time, for me to learn that I can't find it. And now, through therapy I am trying to get in touch with, and re-create that trust. and I believe that it's possible,  otherwise, why would I be spending so much time and energy there?

Wow, I suddenly realized I am well past the 800 word mark ( do quotes count?)

Am I any closer to ME?

to be continued and that's a promise to my-self and to you.



  1. Your writing is so honest and courageous. I respect that you felt open enough to share with the rest of us. Thank you. I just wrote over 800 words and they are too raw for me to post. Plus not appropriate for my blog. I'm awaiting the next blog post and hoping you get some sleep.

  2. Thank you Shannon, I so appreciate your feedback..it feels like I'm at a turning point a crossroad...God I'm almost 50 years old, I must must be true to myself, don't you think? Thanks again. I'm moved.Love Yael

  3. Yael
    Dump the bastard! Life is indeed too short and your beautiful words and writing show you already are the person to trust. How can we grow in truth in depth while relating to someone who does not hold us like the precious souls we are?
    Listen to your gut, the uneasiness...lack of sleep
    Know that acting on the truth of ourselves is the hardest battle we fight and in terms of partners, only those in whose eyes we see our higher self are even worthy to consider sharing our heart with.

  4. Mary Beth
    Thank you thank you, I am in gratitude for your words, and I feel you really Feel what you wrote...so much stuff is coming up for me as a result..in a sense it's like a gift. That you for en-couraging me. Love Yael

  5. Dear Yael
    Im following Your writings on the day and now i have to say something.
    In the beginning i was very happy for You,but with a kind of stitch,the fact that Your male friend already is in a relationship.you know what i tasted,over great distance,Please Yeal don´t loose Yourself to a hungry hunter.
    as soon as there has been the sex,well the hunt is over. Yael YOU are TO GOOD and PRECIOUS
    There are all sorts of relationships, You can choose how You want it ,because only You know what is the very best for You.
    Take it in Your hands, You are more than worthy and woman for it.