Welcome To My Blog

The Art of Fine Metalwork and the Art of Empathy and Nonviolent Communication- woven together for you....

Monday, June 28, 2010



"Maybe There's a God Above

But All I ever Learned From Love

Is How To Shoot At Someone who Outdrew You

It's Not a Cry You Hear In The Night

It's Not Somebody Who's Seen The Light

It's a Cold and It's a Broken Hallelujah



Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pieces of the Puzzle....

 These last 21 days have been amazing for me. True the last couple I have not written and missed a day here and there but generally they have given me so much inspiration and a general kick up my butt!

Today I am interviewing Anne Catherine, my yoga teacher, for this project. Which I am happy to do anyway, hoping I will be able to work out the technicalities of.

An extra 10 days? I don' t know...I want to say YES! I want to commit to this because I am enjoying it so and feeling the flow of energy come from me as I write, and pass the 400 word mark...like being in a Yoga pose long enough or doing it that many times, like in any art form or practice, so that you really begin to understand it!

And the yoga , yes to Yoga a big yes! Coupled with my body psychotherapy  studies and therapy, things have been really coming together, it's like pieces of a puzzle ! As a child  I just loved putting puzzles together...must have gone well with that Virgoan side of me which just loves order!

And mentioning Virgo rising , and Virgo dominant in my chart, though I am Leo, is that perfectionist side of me, that whenever I don't hold up to standards, usually my own , I give myself a hard time.
A very hard time, which brings me to how I have noticed being a little bit hard on myself for the past 2 days for not writing, and seeing such beautiful inspired, women do their thing ahhhhhhh...a moment to notice those judgments come up.

Yesterday I was asked, why write? What's this blogging all about? Well, my answer is why does anyone write? Why have people kept journals, diaries ? Why have their journals been published? Or artist paint ? It's all about contributing something to humanity, isn't it? Sure there's self expression, it's an impulse we have, the impulse of creation, but it's also about what happens to the other person when he views , reads these personal, coming from the depths - stories? Feelings memories associations...and of course the word Connection comes up, which is really all we're about here....I love it!

I for one have been greatly inspired by the few I have managed to follow, whilst raising kids, being a single Mom, and also trying my best to get my professional side up and running  (admittedly that's going slowly, but surely!!)

So will I go for the extra ten days? will I refresh re-new rethink , re-schedule and try to fit it in???Like that extra piece?? Time will tell Meanwhile love to all and stay close for Anne Catherine!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

I’m surrendering...

I’m surrendering.

I’ve been fighting this relationship from the get-go...drawn to it, scared by it, rationalizing it, hating it, hating myself at times, well not hating but definitely unhappy with me, feeling empowered by saying NO, needing to say NO, and then finally so far, as these words are being written, I have surrendered. What does that word mean? It’s not a war! Why does it feel like one? The thing is that when we’re together it feels so GOOD. It feels right, I am in a relationship, an experience, he is teaching me intimacy. Something I have never known and never thought possible.

Laughing a lot, talking a lot , BEING, just being, gazing into each other’s eyes deeply, getting to know each other...we’re still really strangers! (Frank Sinatra singing in my head. my Mom's favorite)

Yes, it’s true. he’s in a relationship that, according to him , doesn’t work for him on many levels anymore, he’s changed.. They’ve changed, so why doesn’t he leave? Oops, I’m in his business now.

According to Byron Katie, there are three kinds of businesses...yours, mine and God’s, however you understand God to be. The Tao, Mother Nature, The Divine. If I’m in your business ,or God’s, that is, places where I have no say and no control, then I suffer, I feel alone, separate. So I imagine her asking: Who’s business is it with whom he lives? Obviously , his. Also, when I am opposing, resisting, arguing with Reality as it is now, I suffer.

Who would I be without the thought: He should leave her? Someone very much in love, living and enjoying myself! That’s something I have very rarely allowed myself to do. Questions of right and wrong go flying out the door!

Just spoke to an old-new friend. Tal. My family came to live in Davis California in 1965, my Dad was at the University of California there. A short while after our arrival, her parents, newlyweds from Israel also came, and eventually became good friends of my family. I remember her Mom pregnant with her I remember being in awe, my hand on her belly, feeling the movements.
Fast forward many many years , we weren’t in touch for ages Meanwhile her parents had divorced , everyone grew up. The next time I saw her was when I split up from my husband and moved to a smaller town called Hod Hasharon. Her Mom had just died from cancer and as it happened had been living, without my knowledge, around the corner from me.

 In the Jewish tradition, it is customary that after a person dies there is a Seven day morning period, when people come to pay their respects and sit with the grieving family. My Mom and I came. And I re-met Tal, who had just given birth for the first time, and was breastfeeding her newborn. In the past few years she had been to India, did a lot of meditation and became, amongst other things, a life coach. Immediately we recognized in each other soul sisters. She makes these wonderful portable Meditation pillows, and has become deeply interested in Nonviolent Communication, the process which I have been living and breathing for the past seven years. We clicked.

In our conversation now she said...Yael, it sounds like this love affair is a lesson for you on how to be fully present in each moment without attachment to end results. Pure and simple. I know what my goal is, I know what I envision in terms of a relationship , a partner that I want. He may or may not be “the one” but I am sure as heck gonna allow myself to LIVE IT.

So is it a surrender? Maybe, but not in the win or lose sense. Rather, it is like relaxing into a Yogic pose. With awareness, with acceptance to where I am now. Breathing, Moving, becoming stronger and more and more flexible in my body, in my life. Yoga!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

During yoga class this morning...

During yoga class this morning, which was sooo wonderful...I felt so present, thoughts of my recent affair barely bothered me. I was focused on my Teacher, Anne Catherine, her voice has such a wonderful resonance for me. This is an Iyengar Yoga class for women only, in order to focus on our special structure and needs... During the class Anne brings our awareness time and time again to different parts of the body which take more of an active part in each pose. Bringing a lot of focus and awareness and clarity. She quoted B.K.S. Iyengar saying: "Paradoxically, when we can separate the different parts of the body and bring our awareness and intention to each part, it gives us clarity and peace of mind.
During Savasana, when she was guiding us to start to go deep into the cellular level of the skin and relax deeply, I suddenly had a  great idea! I am going to interview Anne for this challenge! I think it can benefit a lot of you out there...even though everyone comes from slightly different approaches, they are all united in yoga!
 Anne has 25 years experience, she has been all over the world, not to mention she trained many times with the Master Iyengar himself , in India, and his daughter Geeta. She invests a lot of her time on self development. Anne is also a single mother of two, she has a thriving studio in Ra'anana, a town adjacent to mine, and I have known her for  years now.

She has no website, no Facebook, no Twitter. Nevertheless her classes are packed and people are waiting in line to get into her medical and recuperative classes  (is that a word?) She has never written about herself, or any of her thoughts down, so she was happy to hear my idea! I am totally excited about this and will post this  next Monday which should be the last day of this challenge, I think.

I came out feeling so energized and happy from this idea. And from it came more ideas. To dedicate each of the coming posts to different people in my life.
Made kind of a mental list: First my kids, then my Mom, and close friends, I love the power of the two young and assertive women who run my child's horseback riding farm. Wow, they're amazing those two. Technically they could be my children...some sadness there remembering two abortions from my 20's, (somehow I would like to write something for them too), and for some reason, my friend from the bicycle shop , who's a man who seems to see right through me..

I came home to find Mary Beth's post, that really inspired me. I love way she writes and the way she incorporates her beautiful photographs. This challenge has introduced me to so  many creative spirits!
What I want to tell you is that I had another opportunity today to observe myself in this "relationship" Which I haven't been updating you about because I was feeling low, going from high to low, from being a victim to a creator, from being in touch with myself to disconnecting, in places where I am still struggling to find connection.
 I put the word relationship in quote signs, but in fact, it is a relationship, in that it just shows me again and again where I am with myself, what I am feeling and needing and believing, how I re-act, endlessly noticing, trying to be as present as possible while thoughts are racing through my head.
This morning on my way to Yoga, I said to myself that my heart bleeds to think of his woman's pain...I'm sure she's just as unhappy as him. I must must live up to my values. I must!

Byron Katie, who you've noticed I like to quote, says " Everything happens FOR ME and not TO ME,
I like that sentence...it gives meaning, it gives me a sense of empowerment, that I can learn and grow from every experience.
Evening, My daughter Yasmin is playing the theme song from Titanic. You may say it's corny, but it's a beautiful melody, and always makes me feel sad, I sang it at my father's grave last year ...
Tired, I think this is  enough for today.

wrote this last night and the computer didn't cooperate with me as far as posting this , so here it is now, a bit revised.love

This whole series is beautiful....A Tel Aviv beach!


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Meditation -lost the count I think day14 for me

So My thoughts

Micha , Michal, friends, who’s right?

Who’s wrong, what do I need what

do I want?

I’m like the leaves up in the tree, swaying

With every breeze, that comes along.

Where is my center? ah breathing now, softening my belly,

Feeling , my belly my breath At least for this meditation, in the body.

And the head

Rules, (still)

Last night again came the request

Can I come and see you? Need to hold you, smell you.Can I come on such and such a night?

Desperation in his voice, well through the lines of a chat actually (-:


My body says yes, ‘cause the wanting is there for me too


Body says yes,

Heart is scared

Head  says No!

Heart. vulnerable, soft open , well half open,bleeding. I’m scared

I don’t want to be hurt.

What do I want, a guarantee? As if there is one someone could give me.


The image of the sky that I photographed in the winter, on the beach in Tel Aviv

Wide open, clear, expansive, free

No more words come. Though was awake at 530, up at 545, showered

Did a 15 minute sitting,wrote in my journal by hand for another 10

Promised myself to just write until seven

Suddenly, Tom my son was up, needed to relieve myself, the Bunnies started their day and needed attention

and the moment is Lost.

Children to school then for my weekly yoga class, hurray for that.

And then back to my life.

This is my Best...today

Monday, June 21, 2010

A letter to my long deceased Daddy...

So I noticed that yesterday Bindu made a note of Fathers day. It's not Father's day in Israel, but I lived in the States for seven good years of my childhood and my Dad, long gone now, loved living there.  If it was only up to him we would still be living there and maybe what happened later wouldn't have occurred. So I dedicate this post today to my Dad, Hananya Brisker, may he rest in Peace

When I was 18 my dad died in a road accident. He was crossing the street in our town, in mid August at midday, and a woman drove too fast and ran straight into and over him. He was not killed immediately. He was taken to hospital , suffering many injuries, shattered bones, and mainly a very bad blow to his head. Two weeks he struggled for his life. He lost the battle.
And where was I through all of this? I was in Europe, on an after-high-school-before Army trip with a high school friend. Just something alot of kids did after school. Army here is obligatory, though nowadays alot of youngsters find ways not to get drafted. I was a "good" girl, and though I didn't want to go...I did, well that's not new and hasn't changed all that much.( I'm being hard on myself 'cause that's the kind of mood I'm in now)
In any case, the doctors told my Mom and brother there was no point bringing me back, because he'll pull through. But I knew something was terribly wrong. He had surgery before I left and I was told that he was back in hospital because of complications. What complications? I asked but wasn't given a straight answer.

I was in Sweden for my 18th birthday, sad alone, worried, still, the good girl just carries on. When I reached Norway I went to visit Edward Munchs' museum with all his morbid depictions of Death, and I knew deep inside. Suddenly I was told to return ASAP, and the day after I arrived , he passed on. He was waiting. I didn't get to see him because he was unconscious after undergoing surgery for that head injury. It failed. I never saw him again.

The last picture I have of my dad is waving bye bye to me through the rear window as the car took me to the airport. That was 31years ago. Once, years ago a therapist asked me to write a letter to my dad and put it in an envelope. It was the first time I really spoke to him after his death, and expressed my anger and desperation....
That was 15 years ago. Am I healed? Have I forgiven the lady who ran him over? Have I forgiven my Mom and Brother for not giving me the opportunity to choose to return or not? Have I forgiven myself? And last but not least, have I forgiven you, daddy, for what I experienced as a desertion?
Now, I will take this opportunity to write him another letter. 31 years after his death
Dear Aba
I am writing you this letter in English on Father's day. You always said that before we left for the States when I was four, my Hebrew was beautiful. It's kind of weird actually...I don't know what we would say to each other if we met today. You were always my hero, tall handsome, cool in my eyes, with your Fry boots that you bought in the States, you really liked that Cowboy look, didn't you?

 So many years I have been carrying your memory, it's almost become a burden,  carrying that pain from the way you left. Although I have often felt your presence. For example I knew you were there when I lived in England in the 80's and was briefly married to that eccentric English guy who smuggled drugs. You made sure no harm came to me, thanks for that.

 Abba, you had a couple of famous sayings you used to repeat that I  desperately tried to follow, like : When in Doubt -Don't. I found myself failing miserably every time, always going against my instinct. Or : When you find yourself getting angry, go drink a glass of cold water. Sounds like good advice, but I have always wondered if you ever followed it, especially when you were beating my brother.

You called me Honey Bunch and said you wanted me to be an independent woman, something I always tried to measure up to, without knowing what that means, with no clear map on how to do that. On the other hand, I was always given the message that I couldn't really decide for myself.

Re-reading this I'm wondering if I am not repeating myself from the last letter I wrote, on the 30th Anniversary of your death. Forgive me if I am
And the all pervasive question, Why? Why did you leave? Byron Katie says: We don't get to call the shots on this one. No one knows when it's going to happen. Death. Still the feelings of desertion never went away. And will they ever? I have so many questions pertaining to your absence...like the quality of my relationships and connections with men ever since.  I really don't know.

All I know, is that I still miss you...your smile, your laugh, the way you used to dance with me to a Beatles record, and your big big shoulder that I could cry on...sorry I didn't take advantage of that more. 
Loving and Missing you always, 
Your Yaeli
P.S. You died way way before the digital age and I don't have one photograph scanned. Maybe it's time to do something about it. 

Saturday, June 19, 2010

From Reaction to Creation and Mountain Solid...Day 11

What a fantastic start to the day!
Woke up at eight, did 20 minutes yoga : Tadasnana - the mountain pose, got firmly grounded, felt my feet, my legs strong and lifting the rest of my body towards the sky, positioning my sacrum in the direction of the earth, breathing all the way up to my crown where an imaginary string connects me to the  sky and makes sure that my body is aligned and there’s no stress. Then, Sun Salutations, suriyanamaskar, breathing, slow, aware, giving attention to every pose , particularly adhomukha-svanasana- the dog pose. Noticing where I’m tight, where I’m letting go...

What you don’t know about me ladies, is that I did  a two year teacher’s training course in Yoga 15 years  ago, at the Wingate Institute, the foremost sport academy here in Israel. What matters is that it was with my first yoga teacher Orit Sengupta, who since then has risen to a Guru status, developing her own particular version of yoga, integrating scriptures, translating Patanjali into Hebrew, deep into meditation and pranayama.

I didn’t finish that course. I was in a very stressful time in my life. My husband and I had moved out of our apartment, bought one, and were in the process of planning to renovate. Meanwhile we found out there were fertility problems, we were living at my Mom’s, and to add to all that my beloved dog Jessie, was diagnosed with cancer and died a few months later. She was  like a baby to me, a friend...I don’t have to tell you what a relationship with a beloved animal is. Tears still come to my eyes when I think of her.

I didn’t become a Yoga teacher, but it remained in my body. I did Iyengar for quite awhile, and when I was finally pregnant with twins, I did classes with Anne Catherine, a prominent Iyengar teacher who had just moved to Israel from France. Until 10 days before the birth, I came to class...

Then the twins came and everything changed...did Chi Qong for two years and now I am back...to my old love, Yoga.
When I returned to Anne Catherine, who meanwhile became a single mother of two, and has a thriving Yoga studio,  is an inspiring woman herself, she said , Yael, your body is so gifted, it’s a shame...

John Lennon singing in the background : “All you need is love...” “ There's Nowhere that you can be...that isn’t where you are meant to be, it’s easy....” Right ON!

So I’ve been back to yoga for a year now, with new understandings, in addition to the Body Psychotherapy I am doing, and now with this challenge I feel that my practice is coming from different places. Today while doing the Tree pose, Vriksasana, which usually is hard for me to balance in ( I have always had balance issues) I kept repeating a Meditation from the dear dear teacher Zen Master: Tich Nhat Hanh:

“ Breathing in, I see myself as a Mountain, breathing out , I feel solid” And I saw, in my minds eye Mount Fuji in Japan, and the more I repeated it and breathed it, the more solid and balanced and grounded my pose was and I didn’t lose it even once- I could stay there for hours! Then I went to the pool, had a swim, practicing the technique I am learning, Total Immersion, sat in the sun did a few more Yoga stretches and here I am.

So I need to give you an update of this “love” affair.

All day yesterday, until the evening, I was miserable. He went away for the weekend with his lady. I walked around with a frown. Even singing “ The Bare Nescesisities” with my Ukelele, which if I pluck up enough courage I will put on You tube for you...didn’t do much for my spirits. All day my mind was filled with two words:

Reaction versus Creation. First, wow, I realized that they are made with exactly the same letters!  :- ))

And I notice, when I am in Reaction to him, to life, to anything, I am a victim, I have lost my center, I have no grounding whatsoever. And when I am in Creation, well that says it all doesn’t it?
I am empowered I feel strong, I LOVE MYSELF, I trust my instincts, everything is good , all is Well in my world. I can write , I can paint, I can talk to my friends, contribute to the world...everything is possible! I have choice. I am a Queen , like India Arie sings, I am a Lioness!  (I am a Leo! )

Later, my power began returning. I took my Mom out for dinner. She is 84 with her memory not what it used to be, she repeats herself a lot. But one thing I can tell you - when she is present she is present, it’s almost funny to notice. Everything is new to her. She remembers little details of things that happened to her when she was twenty. We talked about her love affair with my Dad, who was married when she met him. He moved out a short while after they met, but, it took him three years to get a divorce! And we’re talking the 1950’s here folks. So, finally she said, either-or, and well, I am proof that he made a choice!

So, this guy has to make a move. No more Free Hugs here man! This time ...I am going to keep my promise to dear Yaeli, and not betray her anymore, or leave her/me again. George Harrison is singing:
“..Something in the things she shows me....I don’t want to leave her now, you know I believe and HOW......du to do do , doo doo dummmmm.”!


Friday, June 18, 2010

I'm Weak..or Am I? - day 10

 photo credit  my friiend from Holland , artist Morea  van t Hullenaar find her @mokusa on twitter

I'm weak

Judgment Jackal

A Hug, a hug a hug
Hugs are so tempting.

Am I weak?
My heart's there
My thoughts are there
So what if my body is or isn't there, so what?
And yet

Trying to disconnect
He keeps coming back, saying
I can't not talk to you, hear your voice, your laughter
Mail you, text you.

So, here I am, looking at needs that would be met in a balanced, loving relationship - not to mention , open one

Sexual expression (yes!)
Warmth - absolutely, alot of it
Friendship (YES!)
Tenderness (love me tender, love me true)
Empathy (how did I forget that one?)
A mutual Vision, meaning
Happiness- to be in a state of happiness is our birthright, I believe that. And we're doing the world a big service, by being happy. It's contagious

Wow, so many needs could and would be met in the right relationship - with the right man. And they all spell out the word- LOVE

Watching my thoughts. My body. Levels of discomfort. Of comfort. Body tense? No good for Yael. Body relaxed? Good for Yael. It's as simple as that
.It's like all my life I am looking, searching for the key, and it's right here, under my nose. Under my head (-:

Last night, he came by. Called to ask, could he please have a hug. And he meant it, to my surprise. It was me who led the way to the bedroom, not that there was any objection on his part. How could there be? But after a few minutes, a deep , long long gaze into my eyes: I really came just for a hug, your hug. Why is that hard for me to believe?

I want to call the shots here, stay connected to myself, not be led...

I'm completely transparent, To anyone reading this, but mostly to him. He notices every breath I take, every in-breath and out breath, giving them meaning, asking, are you frustrated, dissatisfied? He notices it all, like I'm his object of meditation. Even through the cell phone he can tell where I am, by my reactions, my silence...I'm so vulnerable! It's just so much easier to do this on my own! Or is it? When I was very young, in my 20's I read in some book on Astrology that the most important transformational work we can do is with a partner. And I believe that.

It's the 400 word mark now Why did Bindu ask us to write 800 words? Yesterday (a little comic relief here folks ) my son says, as I am telling about this challenge to his Dad, " That's easy! Who's gonna know if you did it or not?!?"  It's not school, Tomi! I answer him, we laugh together.
Well I think I know...whenever I meet that 400 word mark, I know the rest is gonna flow out, and bring with it alot more.

So, This Man is my reality, now. He is my meditation, my response, the way I feel, everything is highlighted. I am in relation to some one. It is a challenge, an opportunity. I can't hide, where could I go?
Just read this from Jackie Walker a fellow challenge member:

"If I’m being true to myself and exploring new things, as long as I feel peace in my heart, I’ll continue.  If I feel that something isn’t congruent to my peace, I stop.

So here's the thing: when we agreed to disconnect for awhile, till he moves out, which he says he is planning to do at the end of July, I was at peace. Then he re- appears for the hug, boom, peace is out the door. Now don't get me wrong. When he's here I am at peace, I feel comfortable,  when he goes and stories start to flood, did I didn't I , should I shouldn't I. Then the trouble begins. Notice that. Whenever I need to choose a course of action, even yesterday I noticed it with a friend. So hard for me to choose, what is right??

Breath. Notice.What else is there to do, not try to rush in and fix it. Move it. To change it. It's called self-empathy, or mindfulness. Just be with it.

Yesterday I bought five books, four of them translations, at a sale at the local book store. I came in wanting to buy just " Goddesses In Everywoman" by Jean Shinoda Bolen. A book by a therapist about how the Goddesses' archetypes live in each of us. Came out with "Anne Frank- A Diary of a Young Girl" been meaning to read that again, Tom Sawyer,  The Wise Heart, by Jack Kornfield, and an Israeli Original, by Etgar Keret. short stories

I opened The Wise Heart in the place where he talks about how Dian Fossey and her predecessor managed to learn so much about the gorillas, where others before them had failed. And do you know why? Because the previous scientists came in with guns, with an aggressive energy and the gorillas felt it. Fossey came in quietly, gently, bowing her head in humility, respect. And just sat, and listened and slowly but surely, they let her in, let her become part of the family.

Be gentle to yourself, Yael. Kind. Show your own self, soul some humility, mercy, and respect. But mostly BE.

It's Friday..need to shop, organize , clean, go to the pool later. Relax. Later dear people.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"Love is a story told to a friend...it's second hand..."Joni Mitchell - Day 9

I was on a roll yesterday writing two posts. Today started off ok .Went from a great yoga class in the morning to a meeting with a fellow practitioner who turns out has been studying women's gender studies at University, whilst raising 3 kids. She didn't mention her husband at all and finally it came out that she is not happy there .Sigh. But I still felt empowered, glad I had made my decision, the master or rather mistress of my own destiny.
Then as the day wore on I became progressively more tired. Tasks that have been put off all these last days of confusion needed doing, papers filed( still not done), accountant contacted, kid's Giraffe language class evaluations , then to my Mom's for lunch with the kids ( she's 84 and old but still aware of what's going on and has her views :-) I told her about my short affair. She  pointed out something which I chose not to think about before. If this is what he's doing to HER, he could do the same to you in a few years. Why do you need this?
So, what's left? Practice mindfullness on this whole thing, I mean, God what else can I do? Everytime I close my eyes I see his face. I open them take a deep breath and say: THINKING, and carry on. And then again and again and again. Just notice..
And thoughts keep coming at me.
I'm tired , all I want is to sleep. The thought " how could I be so dumb?!" comes. Major judgement Jackal raising his head. Really, I just didn't expect to like him so much, to be swept off my feet! Or maybe I did?  Byron Katie says:" What you have is what you need and it is also what you want" How do I eat that? 
And what do I want? A big kinda love, one that laughs hugs, alot of touch, fights gets angry, forgives cries,  rolls around, sees places together, goes to movies, eats great food, one that uses all the senses, and just experiences life at it's fullest, richest - lives! Is aware, is wanting to be more aware, happier, to use life as Ram Dass puts it : Grist for the Mill. (thank you brother Yuval for introducing me to him 25 years ago) 
And mostly, I just want to be happy to wake up together and go to sleep peacefully, with no doubt in my heart, with a man I love...
A man who enjoys life and wants to live it every moment, not getting up to go to a job he hates and has been wanting to get out of for years, but instead, plays it safe..and plays it safe in a relationship that doesn't meet his needs anymore. (Did you read that? You know who you are..)Sorry this was written with anger and bitterness in my heart...
Tomorrow morning is still you people-in- other- lands evening so I will write tomorrow, and hopefully start getting on track of my life again..my business my work, my vision, my aspirations, Yallah as we say, here in the Middle East let's go!! 

It's the next morning. Went to sleep heavily, forgot again to do a Gratitude list and a list of things I did differently, like my therapist suggests. Even if it's a small thing give it acknowledgment,  she says, it's like harvesting, little by little. I have such a tendency to see what's wrong! Like my friend and soul sister Sara says....this whole experience has come to show you that it IS possible to find someone who suits you just fine...it's still kind of hard for me to see it in that way. So I woke up groggy, tightness in my shoulders (Anne Catherine my Yoga teacher, said yesterday they were like stone) but started to move the day. I am thankful I have these kids to get up to...
Did 10 minutes "sitting" watching my thoughts, then another ten handwriting, then off to school.

And now I am looking at what I wrote and wondering to myself what is relevant to this blog, to you out there, because I still want so much to be useful in some way.

When I review my life I have always written.  Pages upon pages. Writing comforts me, particularly hand writing does it for me, but not only- as I am finding in this challenge.....  It soothes. comforts, heals, releases, it's something which is always there, always available, I don't need to go anywhere or make an appointment. Wow,  now that's a resource.  I even used my lists and notebooks in the last piece I created in a group show , of 100 Israeli women artists who were each given a mannequin , and asked to dress it with her feelings about feminism, and/or their own personal journey. So you can see my contribution here and here. (Please use zoom to see the details) I took old notebooks, lists, of every kind that I saved and papier mached them all, covering her from head to toe, and then making a Mask, headdress, all from my words. In the back is her papier-mached brain, and the skull made from my metalwork. It's quite a complicated piece..like me, and not so easily "read" so maybe it doesn't really communicate so well. Actually, it got lost amongst the colorful crowd around me. I called it: " Same Old Yael, Older Body" , written on the neckpiece she is wearing, made of brass wire and on her Headress - " Does Anyone Really Change?

That's all for now...love to all. Enjoy

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

So, it's over....Day 8

So, it's over.

This thing was building up for a couple of months or more. Courting me through Facebook chat, gmail, and then suddenly, even though I said no a couple of times, suddenly it exploded, phone calls, text messages, e-mails and three explosive meetings, full of emotion and intensity, and heavenly sex and a feeling of connection I had never experienced before. Yesterday my appetite was gone completely. I barely slept for a few days.

And now. Silence.

I woke up heavy with a heavy heart, went to my therapy session, you read about this before, and decided to talk with him. And ASK...what are your intentions regarding me. Am I a just a fling for you, or do you see in your vision being with me, in some reasonable time frame. Understand...he said, I can't make any drastic moves in my life now, my Mom has cancer I'm inundated with things at work and family ... I said straight away: these are all excuses, you just don't want to move from your comfort zone. You have a nice home (even though it's HERS) everything is nice and comfy. So, you just thought , mmmm I'll have a nice little fling here? Well his answers could've been taken from some third grade pulp fiction...So I won't even repeat it here, I respect my readers too much. What do you want he asked? I want a partner, in an aware relationship, a present one, I won't BE with someone in this manner, no matter how IN LOVE I felt. I felt my body shake when I said to him, if you can't leave a situation where you're not happy for a long time and live with integrity, then you're not the man for me in any case. I am living my truth. My body was shaking as I said this, oops I wrote this twice...it was strong.

I should know because I did live a lie for a long while. I was living with a man who I couldn't come near to sexually and mostly denied that part of me, which was, let's face it, easy to do when you have twins, and you're breastfeeding them for three years, After that and until I left my husband , the kids were home-schooled. All this went on till that fateful class re-union back in 2005. Just a few days earlier I had found out my Hemoglobin was so low that I needed IV of Iron for three weeks, twice a week. I was soooooooooo tired and drained in every sense.

And then came this re-union, and a guy who had always had a crush on me when we were little...it was immediate, like fire. And it went on for nine months. Towards the end of that period, actually through almost all that time., I felt terrible about lying. I was scared. I was afraid ...but at one point my inner truth was stronger and I confronted my husband . In the beginning I said I want an open marriage, and then the truth came out. I'm very lucky to have been married to a man who was a gentleman through the whole process...He said: If you don't leave him then we must part. So I said OK, lets...

I want you to understand that this was all after trying so many times to get him to come to therapy with me. Only when someone else showed up did he agree. But it was too late...and it had been too late for a long time. So I found an apartment and four months later, I took the kids and moved to another town, sent them to school (an alternative one, but still a school) and started my journey. Oh yeah, the affair ended when I realized the man wasn't following...so I was left, alone.

And now, physically alone at that. With two kids aged five and a half.  It became the most stressful time of my life. My blood pressure went up, my period stopped, and I had a couple of bad relationships, one with a psychpath and the other just pretty screwed up. Went to "normal" therapy, and then, thinking I want to finally live a dream of becoming a therapist, found the Body Psychotherapy called Biosynthesis, which I am studying and experiencing as well. So now I've sent my now ex-lover home to Mama, and to therapy, and said that until he decides to leave her, we won't meet again. And that's it. Didn't have time to even grieve, because I had to pick up my kids from school.

Tears don't come easily to me...they were suppressed for a very long time. I fell in love, I did, it was something so powerful...maybe I should've hung on a little more? Maybe he would've become attached to me and then left her???

God, can you PLLEEEASE send me a worthy, loving, handsome, just right kinda guy for me? I want to continue my journey hand in hand....

Off to carpool the kids....see you all good souls later...

"He comes for conversation..." Day 7

"He comes for conversation, I comfort him sometimes...comfort and consultation, he knows , that's what he'll find..."
Joni Mitchell 
I am so, so tired- This has been the most emotionally nerve- wracking week of my life...from an incredible high with myself, because I was feeling so happy with my work and the emerging of new things, to  this emotional entanglement. Well, my friend Michah, an old friend of 30 years and a guy...says I should THANK this man for:
 a. giving me material to write in this challenge and
 b.  (and more importantly) to show me where I am exactly in my life..He's a mirror, and that's true, I mean, if I believe that all experiences and people mirror where we are in life , with our-selves, then baby, this is no exception. So thank you, you out there who is reading this blog everyday and is in direct connection to my soul. Also, he said that I should dump him, and the sooner the better! (And as I read in my comments, so say some of you...:-) )

I have never never felt this way. Everything resonates, the voice , the touch the laugh, the intensity of the gaze. And then a voice says...what do you know about this man? How he handles his finances, how truthful is he?( Not to mention what kind of music he likes...) Michah says if he is living with a woman he has no more connection with and is continuing to live with her, then he is OUT OF TOUCH with his feelings and that I should get out, and immediately, otherwise I am in for some big big hurt. He's got experience with that. And yes , I agree. I need to ask my-self and look at where I am and what I want.

How available am I for a relationship?

I am seperated for almost four years and have not yet been able to finalize my divorce.Yes , I left my husband physically, but have found it incredibly hard to sign the papers. Saying, maybe I should give up my quest, to find the mate of my dreams and just go back to him. He's a nice man, he was always devoted to me and still is, but there was so much missing there on the emotional and physical level. I have no impulse to go back, so why don't I just close that chapter, complete that circle, and move on? Scared to.

It's 7 am I have to get in the car and go to Tel Aviv, the big city where I resided for 18 years, and left four years ago when I left my husband. I am a little behind in my writing. Well I had to sleep for a change! It's off to my therapy session, which is a Godsend as far as I'm concerned now.Will continue later.
I'm in a cafe in Tel Aviv opposite my therapist's clinic. Things I wanted to write yesterday came to mind. For example, my aloneness. I have been alone all my life. Sure, I have friends , I was married for 13 years, I have two beautiful amazing children, a mother. and yet a feeling of alone- ness is all pervading, there always. Images of myself alone, age 7 sitting in my bedroomn in the States with my Danny Kaye records telling stories,(Hans Christian Anderson), dancing and singing in the livingroom to Peter Paul and Mary, and the only Israeli record I knew at that time. Daydreaming in the backyard...alot of alone, suddenly come back. 
So what's different? Maybe this is the way I was meant to be , to spend my life in solitude. According to alot of theories , if we were left alone as babies, this a pattern embedded in us at a very very early age and it's something we learn to re-create agin and again ( God I really must learn to type faster).
Dr. William Sears who's Baby Book was my Bible when the twins were born, said : Needs that are met at the right time, allow the child to move on to the next developmental stage, in a healthy way. Needs that are not met, can never be replaced later on.: (Paraphrasing here.) Well I believed that until I encountered the system of therapy I am in. We CAN learn, or re-learn our capacity to trust, to be in true connection with someone. It's possible, through our bodies, on a cellular level.
I have to sign off again...therapy's about to begin. How lucky am I? To have this challenge, to have my therapist, to have him....who's making me write! And to you lovely ladies who have been reading and commenting. Gratitude, really. later

Out from therapy. Orna, my therapist says what she's hearing from me is two things:

1. I am trying , perhaps too hard and too fast, to give myself answers and to label things. As in: "I'm not available for a relationship..and this is why it's happening!". With an exclamation mark. Stuff like that...but it is much deeper than that.

2. From my descriptions of the way I interacted with my friend, asking her to hold me, asking for her time...she notices that what I truly want is to be close, to be HELD, to BE with someone...in every sense of the word. Ahhhh The recognition of that brought on alot of tears. And mainly, I need to rest

See you all later.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Am I any closer to ME? - challenge day 6

   A Yael  or Ibex, in the Israeli Negev Desert

Now I'm angry and jealous, too.

And I just read this which didn't make me feel any better - from another blog on the challenge - quoted from Eat Pray Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." 

Is this what is happening to me? Well I already quoted Joni- didn't I? Just as I was about to surrender completely to the experience...and just beginning to feel trust, boom, something hits me in the face. Jealousy...all he said was that he's in Tel Aviv on a fashionable avenue , looking at chics as he drives by and that he loves looking at chics and boom I'm hit like a stone..well I wanted to say , hey I love looking at chics too, but I didn't because the next thing you know I'll be hearing an offer to do a threesome. Men are so into that fantasy, aren't they.

So yeah - I feel sad now I feel on a roller coaster ride - and what has happened to my focus? God. I thought I had evolved - I thought I was over men who were in a worse condition than me, I thought I had met an equal!

I wish I had something else to write about, I am hitting myself over the head and nothing nothing will help...no Byron Katie or anything. I am tired- that is the truth. And when you're tired everything seems wrong. I need a break, I have to sleep tonight I just have to. Will continue this later, no one said it has to be written in one sitting, right? Barely through and I feel like I am trudging through. Want to be smart and useful and inspired like all the cool ladies and a couple of guys on this challenge.

Here I am it's almost 2 am and I am awake again...well one thing is clear. Since this affair has begun I am not sleeping at night, and I think that says it all. I went to sleep at 10 o clock and woke up at 1am and that's it...3 hours sleep, that's just not enough!

Let's look at what's happening here...until I met him I was having a great week, I did two evenings on Empathy, was sleeping (well almost) every night. My friend Gila is right -  I must know what I want, If I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who's tied to someone else then that's what I need to do! No one can live my life for me, unfortunately, sometimes I feel. Like I said while I got a warm warm hug from her ( she's 7 months pregnant with her third child and quite big):  Can I get into your womb for awhile? And seriously this is how I often feel. Just someone take care of me again, please! Somehow I think that this challenge and all this writing may lead to something...

Today while I was at my daughter Yasmin's riding class, I spoke to him on the phone. Now normally I'll be watching her class, 'cause it's important to her and to me. Quality time. So I'm talking to him and noticing, I am not at ease. When will I see you again..he asks. How about tomorrow afternoon I can cut out of work early and come over, he says. An afternoon with the lover... Aagh already I begin to feel uncomfortable. And what about that dream I had last week, where it was clear, I don't want to be hidden from sight! I don't want to be someone's affair! What I'm more worried about with this thing, is that again, I am looking outside of myself for the answer. Wake up , girl it's just not going to happen!

I am working hard, so hard in my life, to become more aware, more in touch with my feelings, and to act upon them. And here I am letting that slip away...and for what? To get some loving attention from someone, it seems. I say that to myself as if it's a small thing. I am yearning for it. I haven't really been in a real relationship with someone for years, perhaps never, because my marriage was with a man who is incapable, who was far more out of touch with himself and me. 
Somewhere along the line, in my first relationship, with my mother, I mean, trust was broken. And it must have been at a very young age, and over some time, for me to learn that I can't find it. And now, through therapy I am trying to get in touch with, and re-create that trust. and I believe that it's possible,  otherwise, why would I be spending so much time and energy there?

Wow, I suddenly realized I am well past the 800 word mark ( do quotes count?)

Am I any closer to ME?

to be continued and that's a promise to my-self and to you.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

From the Mouths of Babes...

 "When I do something I don't want to, my heart hurts" - Yasmin aged ten.

I'm already so goddamn miserable! Why? I can't seem to put a finger on it.
Thoughts-I shouldn't have slept with him, I compromised, I did something against my will and now I'll pay for it, now that I've slept with him he'll disappear, he didn't like my house, he saw all the flaws,in my kitchen , my bathroom, my bedroom, the hair I didn't remove from my legs (well I am kind of practically hairless. I'm thinking negative negative negative. I talked too much, he didn't like the Biosynthesis talk, I scared him off, But mainly- " I shouldn't have slept with him so fast" that's the thought that's giving me hell!
Well, lets "Work" it Byron Katie style:

"I shouldn't have slept with him so fast" -
1. Is that true?
Yes! I know it! I'm positive of it - based on the fact that I am barely hearing from him, and it's the weekend, I know he's at home with his lady, but still...
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true, a hundred percent, that you shouldn't have slept with him?
thoughts that come up, while letting that question sink:
He's amazing, he's everything I've always wanted...so the answer is , I guess I'm not so sure...
3. How do I feel, what happens to me , when I think that thought?
I'm in hell, complete Hell! My mood goes way way down, I walk around with a frown on my face, I lose focus, I am totally NOT in the present moment, re-screening every scene again and again, there's fear arising. And worst of all, there's this pain in my heart - just like my daughter said when I dragged her (well, not literally!) back to her room to fix the mess she had made- " Quote above. God those two kids are WISE, in touch with their feelings...well at least I can pat myself on the back here...good job, Yael.
Suddenly I'm thinking maybe the real sentence to do The Work on, is, I didn't want to sleep with him, is THAT true?mmm - still, let's finish this one first.
Question number four: Who would I be, How would I be without that thought? 'Cause with it, I'm in hell. Without it, let me see. ( Katie guides us to SIT with the question for a moment, so I'm sitting, at the pool, actually)
Sigh, well I think I'd be PRESENT, definitely not in Hell, this self inflicted burning inferno, not Heaven - which is the other side of Hell. Remembering my hero John Lennon...."Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try, no Hell below us, above us only sky..." Looking up now through the trees at the sky, so expansive, so big!

Looking down - and around, I notice people around me at the pool, and noticing that I find women's bodies so much more beautiful and appealing than most of the men, they're such hairy beasts! Except my new man who has hair in just the right amount...and  there he is, back in my head!

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Heaven and Hell

Now the Turnaround If you're not familiar with "The Work", this is the part where after you've questioned and inquired into the truth about your thoughts, you get to start exploring the infinite possibilities, by turning the original statement around:
Here goes:
" I shouldn't have slept with him, so fast""- turns into:
I should have slept with him (when I did). Now three possible reasons why that's true:
1. Because my body was saying YES to it. Every time he hugged me my first chakra would basically MOVE, even remembering that I still feel it!
2. Because I did. That's reality. It happened. And if I'm not under the illusion that "I" control everything I do, then I'm much more forgiving, accepting of myself, what a relief..
3. Because I am in love, and that's natural, girl, and now I feel my heart now, but softer...

Well, after writing all that down (on paper first btw) I feel MUCH better! This "Work" is like magic- as Katie puts it : it's the fast track to end your own suffering - but not in a cheap way, it's mindful it's self accepting, and I highly recommend it when you find a thought is not letting you BE.

So, I feel better, I had a swim in the pool with my kids, Yasmin and Tom who you'll no doubt be hearing about in the days to come.

And still, I can't get him out of my head: His lips, his tattoo, on that tanned shoulder, the way he laughs and the way he looks straight into my eyes , so close, noses colliding, and then you see only one eye...remember this? I used to love doing this as a kid - Imagining him here with me at the pool. But where is he? With his lady.
To be continued-

Friday, June 11, 2010

"Help me! I think I'm Falling in Love Again..." - day 4

"Help me! I think I'm Falling in Love Again..." Haven't thought of that Joni Mitchell song for years! Maybe because I haven't fallen in love like this for years, or for a very long time for that matter...and it' s not, I say NOT the beer I had! If I had taken Ecstasy I'd be worried, 'cause that put me into situations that were Hard to get out of in the past...)-:

Started writing this hours ago..and broke off to go do Savasana, shopping, and get on with my day. I am exhausted. I haven't experienced excitement like this in a long time...I was so happy. I cried. Real big cry. Strangely,it was crying like the last affair ended, so why am I crying when something's beginning? I never met someone so right before, right for me.Was it the beer? One beer? No it couldn't have been . This guy has been trying to meet me for a couple of months already. Let's have coffee, when can we meet?

 Ugh, I can't even continue writing I'm so tired and my kids need picking up from school in about 10 minutes so I'll just say that I COMPROMISED again ladies. Am I being too hard on myself?

Probably...I'll continue with this later.

Later has come...and there's no choice , if I want to continue with this challenge, but to write the story.It's not really a story and I am no storyteller, and it sounds suddenly so regular - so nothing special. Why do I feel shame when I tell this?

 So off I went to meet him. Actually it was better, because the early evening drink was further away and in the evening we met at a bistro near my home. This is someone I knew when I was 16, not really well, but moving around more or less in the same circles in high school. And then he contacted me through Facebook. So we're talking, 30 years since I saw him...and his picture on FB was not that clear...and of course it was hard to assess , would or wouldn't I feel attracted..what are his eyes like? I walk down to this place , twilight, he's sitting outside, it's hot, very hot the last couple of days here in Israel. He sees me, gets up..he's tall he's good looking (at least to me) not in any movie star kind of way, but I notice I like his lips , his smile, and he's very nervous , just like me. He's 50 and I will be next year and both of us are like 16 year olds. He orders a beer, yeah I love .beer, why not? We begin to talk we gaze into each other's eyes.

Right now as I am writing this , Pink Floyd is playing somewher in the background..."Remember when you were young, you shone like the Sun...Shine on you crazy Diamond. ..."

Am I hopelessly romantic? Was I taken, just swept away because of my need to be held , seen, listened to? You can tell this is moving in a a not so happy direction. Right?

We had a beer and ate, it was lovely I was wearing a blue shirt that really compliments my eyes, with a gorgeous silk Indian scarf with turqoises and blues, gorgeous. A lovely setting...and then it becomes time to go. We've had a great conversation, I feel very comfortable, saying to myself, wow, I've never felt so at ease with a man .He's even been in Therapy! My dream man! He's aware, he's meditating he's asking about my Yoga practice I tell him about this challenge...

He walks me home it's all so romantic, we laugh, on the way he suddenly grabs me and gives me this most amazing, engulfing, all encompassing (am I exagerrating here? ) hug! What a hug, what sweetness! Lips meet, wow I am swept I tell you swept! Laughing, happy , Gosh this week has been going so well for me!

Did I mention he's in a relationship, people? I was reluctant to meet him because of this and had forboding dreams about it in the beginning of the week- but those e--mails those talks on the phone! I just loved what I heard.

He walked me home, a few more hugs and off he went. I'm in love , I say to myself!

" "Help me, I think I'm falling, in Love too fast, it gets me hoping for the future and worrying about the past" Joni joni , don't you just have a way with words..." cause I've seen some hot hot blazes come down to smoke and ash..."

I was so excited, I couldn't fall asleep.

Tossed turned and tossed, a good night chat with him...tossed and turned , fell asleep woke up again at 3 am and that's the last I slept that night, and if any of you saw my tweets, well, maybe you did because most of you are still awake at your side of the world. Then my friend Inbal who's on the other side of the globe too gets on the chat, she's in Costa Rica with her family..and I tell her I'm in love and I burst into tears ! I won't keep you in suspense, and I'll fast forward to this morning...he's been mountain bike riding (rugged, yes) and me doing my thing, tomorrow is Sabbath everything is closed, he comes over and as much as I am reluctant too, but my body wants too - it's clear, we get into bed. Together. And it's sweet, if my head wasn't getting in the way! I'M FULL OF SELF JUDGMENTS ABOUT ME.....it's painful, and it got much worse, as my fatigue got worse. To add to that I heard nothing from him for four hours, and already I'm saying to myself : You see?? You compromised and this is what happens...

Is that my Mom's voice or me? To be continued...
 p.s.Just noticed today's subject was Fear, well isn't it just all about fear, my fear of a relationship?Sigh

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I can't believe this I've been stood up!-challenge day 3

I can't believe this I've been stood up! Well not really, because it was an emergency and he had to go see to his ailing Mom, but still talk about disappointment!
This has been a crazy day, such a build-up, wind-up any name you can think of. Woke up at 430 am and couldn't fall back asleep so went to write my 800 words which turned into 850...and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Bummer! Would've gone to another Yoga class at 1815 but missed it because of this drink that didn't happen. Man!! (my daughter aged 10 loves to say that)..well that kinda softens my heart when I think of her. Whenever I think of Yasmin and Tom, my twins, my heart softens , I bet it does for you Moms too!
Ok so where was I. Blah, I don't feel inspired to write now. Yesterday I was riding on a cloud 'cause I had just come back from giving a talk on Empathy to a group of horseback riding trainers. What a fantastic bunch! All in their 20's. I tell you - there is, there IS a shift in consciousness (I'll never get the spelling of that word right, thank God for spelling check!) So, yes. there is a shift and why am I saying this, it's because, when I asked. what is Empathy to them, almost all of them came up with beautiful answers. One girl said that when you empathize with someone you help that person  find within him/herself that certain feeling or quality. It is a gift
Ah, sinking feeling now in my heart. All day I was excited, tired, day dreaming, you name it, waiting for this date, even went to get my eyebrows plucked so I could be prettier. So what now? I'm going back to reading the diary of Etty Hillesum, a young Jewish Dutch woman who wrote her diary in the midst of World War 2, and guess what she was writing about? Not about politics, but about her own personal journey, her own self development...it's fascinating. Yes that's it I'm going to read more and get back to writing this later...Bye (about 400 words left
Oh bother, oh brother who can read at a time like this and a fairly heavy diary at that! What am I a masochist? Well in a sense , yes, Here I was , or here I am about to embark on some affair, well I'm not sure because it was a first date, but there I was about to get into something which I don't know how I would get out of because sisters, he's in a relationship, this guy. And yet there's something about him, the way he listens,even through a chat or an e-mail, what a quality, how attractive is that?

Looking for photographs to add to these posts I found this one of a beautiful day at the beach in Tel Aviv, in Febuary, when I was at a Biosynthesis workshop led by the one and only Esther Frankel. 
Well for many of you it means nothing, and why should it? What is Biosynthesis anyway. Body oriented psychotherapy where every conceivable and known part of us, i.e. mental, emotional, physical, in movement, standing sitting, structured points of touch, breath, all come together in therapy. For me, it's been revolutionary. You know, I've been in therapy many times, all of them great with people, who have been dear,dear guides on my path, but I am experiencing change on a cellular level here. From the perspective of biosynthesis , and not only, we were feeling absorbing people way before language came in and that means from the moment we were conceived and I mean embryology here folks.Our experiences started as minute old zigots, to the journey down the fallopian tubes , implantation in the womb, and the following weeks of development are crucial. Not to mention what was going on in Mom's life during our pregnancy, her mental, emotional well being, through our birth and early infant and childhood, and how our early needs were met, or not. As the case was with me , and many many more people .Our basic trust. Deep breath...I've become aware of my body, my energy, my grounding, or lack of in a way that I never experienced before!. My Yoga practice is different,  and my levels of contentment with myself are slowly, but surely rising. I am befriending Yael, yes that's it. Making friends with who I am, expressing my Self more. which leads to moving forward with my Teaching Empathy, deciding to give myself a break from metalwork which has defined me for so long, starting to paint Mandalas, hey does Bindu know that her name is the center point and beginning of each Mandala? .S
Suddenly a phone call, and he's on his way! The date is happening folks, sisters....getting nervous and excited. Till tomorrow.....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

#215800 Challenge - Day 2

Well how hard is it to write with two bunny rabbits running around? Somewhere I think it was Osho who said that Rabbits are like our consciousness , our thoughts , running, jumping , (munching?) ...well It's 6 am and  I have been up since 430, but still stayed in bed...excited happy, feeling a sense of joy and peace and self acceptance I have almost never experienced, contented- yes I think that's the word. Usually I wake up in a state of panic....and stress, at least it's been like that since I separated form my husband almost four years ago. Not to mention those three am panic attacks, those are the worst...in the dead of the night. Alone, Kids sleeping in the other room can be comforting, but when they're not there...it's much worse. But slowly, gradually I am beginning to be , BE, be happier with myself. And what has been creating this change? Without a doubt the therapy I doing in a system, a form of Body- Psychotherapy called Biosynthesis, which I am also training to be therapist Well first and foremost Gratitude to Dina my dear old, friend, who kept nagging me to come and study this system. 
But maybe first I should tell you a little bit about myself because after all, who am I? what have I come here to do? what's been my path until now? 
Born in Israel in 1961, August which just happens to be the same year and month Barack Obama  was born, just a few days apart a fact that fills me with inspiration and what? Inspiration. Ok break for some coffee.
So I was born in a village or farming community called a Moshav, in Hebrew. My Dad had been trained in Agriculture , and specialized in citrus fruit, which at the that time, when the State of Israel was young, was the number one  export. Jaffa Oranges were big! When he and my Mom married they moved to this farming community, built themselves a little cottage, all very romantic, except for two major drawbacks. In addition to working on his own land in his own orchards , my father travelled across Israel, guiding, teaching training other farmers how to grow citrus fruits. So my Mom, a city girl by birth, was left alone...and without a car, and was apparently very very lonely. To add insult to injury, when she was pregnant with my big brother , Yuval, my Dad spent about half a year of her pregnancy abroad, because he was off traipsing around the world working!. Well if he was alive,I would give him a piece of my mind with all the knowledge I now possess about how important the state of mind of Mom is during pregnancy...sadly, only now , when she is 84 years old, did she remember to be angry with him for this. Sigh, a moment of compassion for Mom, that's not easy to feel for her usually...
So I was born in this farming community, surrounded by orchards and to this day the smell of blooming citrus flowers just does it for me... a scent so basic and loved....
When I was half a year old my Mother had had enough of this isolation and there were probably other reasons, but they sold the place and moved closer to town. That being Tel Aviv.  When I was four, my Dad decided to finish his Masters degree and we moved to California..UC, Davis, straight to the family residents of students, called Orchard Park! Though I was, apparently in a state of trauma, for the first few months, not uttering a word at the preschool I went to, I will forever be in gratitude for this move. Otherwise , would I be writing to you in English?Would my consciousness be expanded to include the ideals and ideas of the 60's? And the music that was playing in the background growing up? Bob Dylan, Peter Paul and Mary (my heroes and the first live concert I ever saw at age 7 , still sends shivers up my spine when I remember it), BEATLES! Man, when I was six, June 1967, two things happened. The Six Day War, and for me more important, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band! Friends of my parent's gave us that album upon it's release and I would listen to it in awe...scratching my name on the back where the words were, which years later helped me find that album again after it had been stolen from us at a party. Woo Hoo!)
Undoubtedly, the answer to the question somewhere above is no! And yet for years and years I spent my time bemoaning the fact that I had been moved from place to place with no say in the matter, uprooted, and that's why my life is....(you can fill in the space if you like).Today I understand that it was the lack of Empathy that made it hard. But I digress, is that the word? No it's all important, 'cause it's me, Yael writing to you today, HAPPY! IN GRATITUDE, for everything everything that I've been through, and come out alive , happy safe, and finally finally realizing my dream to Teach Empathy, with the wonderful tool called Nonviolent Communication. Whoah there, gal, you've written 850 words, and it's time to wake up the kids! See ya tomorrow!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Feeling awful again
Understanding. Love
Am I doing enough?
What is enough?
Who am I fooling?
Can I
Can we
Really give ourselves empathy?
Just writing
Seems like some kind of
Self understanding
And yet,
Where am I going?

Nowhere fast...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

טיפים למתן אמפתיה

@Yaelbrisker , send You one of my roses, called "peace", smel... on Twitpic
 photo credit: Morea my friend from Holland 

 נכון שכשמישהו מספר לנו את סיפורו מיד עולים לנו עצות, הסברים, היית צריך... וכו'?

כל אלו טובים, אך לפני הכל, אמפתיה. לפני חינוך, עצות, פתרונות, רחמים, דעות והזדהות. הם חשובים, אך הם יכולים לחכות בשקט לתורם. קודם אמפתיה. מדוע? כי כשמישהו מרגיש שהקשיבו עד הסוף, הוא או היא הרבה יותר פתוחים לשמוע את מה שיש לכם להציע.
מהי אמפתיה
אמפתיה היא הבנה מכבדת של האחר, ושל עצמנו. לתת אמפתיה זה להיות בנוכחות מלאה עם אותו האדם, מבלי להביא את  "סדר היום" שלנו. להבין אותו מנקודת מבטו .כשאני אמפתית לעצמי, אני ערה לרגשות שלי ונותנת להם מקום...

למה לנו להיות אמפתיים

  הקשבה אמפתית מרפאה. היא יוצרת גשר, חיבור. היא פותחת ערוץ לדיאלוג. היא נותנת לגיטימציה לרגשות. היא יוצרת הקלה וחוסן רגשי להמשיך את החיים, ואני מאמינה שהיא תורמת ליצירת שלום ...
היא דרך לתת מענה לצרכים שונים: הכרה, קבלה, הבנה, נראות, מתן תוקף לרגשות ולחוויה שהאדם עובר.

איך נדע שקלענו בול
כשאדם חווה אמפתיה בדרך כלל אנחנו מיד מבחינים בהקלה על פניו, הגוף נהיה פחות מתוח, משהו מתרכך. הרבה פעמים משתחרר בכי, או שמחה , ומה שבטוח שבן שיחנו יענה  : "כן - נכון! זה מה שאני מרגיש!

טיפ 1
       להתחיל את המשפט ב: " אז את/אתה...?" אמפתיה לאחר לעולם לא יכולה להתחיל ב-אני ". 
       טיפ 2
שיקוף : לחזור מילה במילה על מה שהאדם השני אמר, כדי שיהיה ברור ששמעת
   טיפ 3
סימן שאלה במקום נקודה בסוף משפט - עוזר ליצור דיאלוג בכך שמשאיר פתח לתשובה מהצד השני. "  אז אתה עצוב כי רצית חיבוק?" 
 טיפ 4
? ניחוש הרגשות וצרכים של הדובר : אתה מעוצבן כי רצית לשחק עם הילד הזה 
         טיפ 5
להמנע מלומר: "אני מבינה,אבל " - מיד הרחקתם את בן/בת השיח שלכם - ה'אבל' שולל את כל מה שנאמר קודם
טיפ 6
         גם אם לא דייקתם,המשיכו לנסות,כוון שהכוונה והגישה האמפתית חשובים ועושים את שלהם.
         טיפ 7
אמפתיה יכולה להיות לא מילולית. חיבוק, מבט מגע במקום הנכון, או סתם להיות בנוכחות שקטה.
אפשר ורצוי להיות אמפתיים גם עם עצמינו: בוקר אחד הייתי לחוצה במיוחד. במקום לכעוס על עצמי, אמרתי : "אוף!  אני כל כך מתוסכלת ולחוצה, אני כל כך זקוקה למרחב! " עצם ההכרה הביאה הקלה..

זיכרו: לא תמיד נוכל, לפעמים לא בא לנו ובוודאי שלא צריך להיות אמפתיים. אי אפשר לזייף אמפתיה
 אימון ותרגול משפרים את היכולת שלנו. לפעמים זה נשמע מאולץ. מהניסיון האישי שלי האמפתיה עושה פלאים, ושווה את המאמץ.
איך זה בשבילכם? אשמח לשמוע מהחוויה שלכם עם אמפתיה