"Help me! I think I'm Falling in Love Again..." Haven't thought of that Joni Mitchell song for years! Maybe because I haven't fallen in love like this for years, or for a very long time for that matter...and it' s not, I say NOT the beer I had! If I had taken Ecstasy I'd be worried, 'cause that put me into situations that were Hard to get out of in the past...)-:
Started writing this hours ago..and broke off to go do Savasana, shopping, and get on with my day. I am exhausted. I haven't experienced excitement like this in a long time...I was so happy. I cried. Real big cry. Strangely,it was crying like the last affair ended, so why am I crying when something's beginning? I never met someone so right before, right for me.Was it the beer? One beer? No it couldn't have been . This guy has been trying to meet me for a couple of months already. Let's have coffee, when can we meet?
Ugh, I can't even continue writing I'm so tired and my kids need picking up from school in about 10 minutes so I'll just say that I COMPROMISED again ladies. Am I being too hard on myself?
Probably...I'll continue with this later.
Later has come...and there's no choice , if I want to continue with this challenge, but to write the story.It's not really a story and I am no storyteller, and it sounds suddenly so regular - so nothing special. Why do I feel shame when I tell this?
So off I went to meet him. Actually it was better, because the early evening drink was further away and in the evening we met at a bistro near my home. This is someone I knew when I was 16, not really well, but moving around more or less in the same circles in high school. And then he contacted me through Facebook. So we're talking, 30 years since I saw him...and his picture on FB was not that clear...and of course it was hard to assess , would or wouldn't I feel attracted..what are his eyes like? I walk down to this place , twilight, he's sitting outside, it's hot, very hot the last couple of days here in Israel. He sees me, gets up..he's tall he's good looking (at least to me) not in any movie star kind of way, but I notice I like his lips , his smile, and he's very nervous , just like me. He's 50 and I will be next year and both of us are like 16 year olds. He orders a beer, yeah I love .beer, why not? We begin to talk we gaze into each other's eyes.
Right now as I am writing this , Pink Floyd is playing somewher in the background..."Remember when you were young, you shone like the Sun...Shine on you crazy Diamond. ..."
Am I hopelessly romantic? Was I taken, just swept away because of my need to be held , seen, listened to? You can tell this is moving in a a not so happy direction. Right?
We had a beer and ate, it was lovely I was wearing a blue shirt that really compliments my eyes, with a gorgeous silk Indian scarf with turqoises and blues, gorgeous. A lovely setting...and then it becomes time to go. We've had a great conversation, I feel very comfortable, saying to myself, wow, I've never felt so at ease with a man .He's even been in Therapy! My dream man! He's aware, he's meditating he's asking about my Yoga practice I tell him about this challenge...
He walks me home it's all so romantic, we laugh, on the way he suddenly grabs me and gives me this most amazing, engulfing, all encompassing (am I exagerrating here? ) hug! What a hug, what sweetness! Lips meet, wow I am swept I tell you swept! Laughing, happy , Gosh this week has been going so well for me!
Did I mention he's in a relationship, people? I was reluctant to meet him because of this and had forboding dreams about it in the beginning of the week- but those e--mails those talks on the phone! I just loved what I heard.
He walked me home, a few more hugs and off he went. I'm in love , I say to myself!
" "Help me, I think I'm falling, in Love too fast, it gets me hoping for the future and worrying about the past" Joni joni , don't you just have a way with words..." cause I've seen some hot hot blazes come down to smoke and ash..."
I was so excited, I couldn't fall asleep.
Tossed turned and tossed, a good night chat with him...tossed and turned , fell asleep woke up again at 3 am and that's the last I slept that night, and if any of you saw my tweets, well, maybe you did because most of you are still awake at your side of the world. Then my friend Inbal who's on the other side of the globe too gets on the chat, she's in Costa Rica with her family..and I tell her I'm in love and I burst into tears ! I won't keep you in suspense, and I'll fast forward to this morning...he's been mountain bike riding (rugged, yes) and me doing my thing, tomorrow is Sabbath everything is closed, he comes over and as much as I am reluctant too, but my body wants too - it's clear, we get into bed. Together. And it's sweet, if my head wasn't getting in the way! I'M FULL OF SELF JUDGMENTS ABOUT ME.....it's painful, and it got much worse, as my fatigue got worse. To add to that I heard nothing from him for four hours, and already I'm saying to myself : You see?? You compromised and this is what happens...
Is that my Mom's voice or me? To be continued...
p.s.Just noticed today's subject was Fear, well isn't it just all about fear, my fear of a relationship?Sigh