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The Art of Fine Metalwork and the Art of Empathy and Nonviolent Communication- woven together for you....

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Allowing myself to feel pain

Reading the last mail from him
I felt a huge knot in my belly
But the "automatic response system" was on,
And it was
To write a response from my head,
More Justifications
More Blame
More, I did this , You said that

Got up
Had a shower
And then, that pain again
I thought:
What if I just SIT with it for a moment?
Instead of re-acting
Instead of plodding on, tasks
To do
Instead of Denial?
What would happen?

Tried it
Sat, slowly
Felt Pain
in my abdomen, the knot
"I feel pain, I feel pain" out loud
Felt it
Move up and up and out, breathing all the time
Tears welling, flooding my eyes
Voice, suddenly, wailing, crying,
Strange sounds
And then an urge to throw up
This is where I get scared
I start pushing it down
Again, No just not throw up, not alone
Running to the bathroom
Nothing comes up
Just Nasuea
Come back to sofa. Sit. Write Move , Breath
A little more pain.
No relief, yet, knowing there will be. And still

Must go
Shop. Do. Continue
Life is calling
Sitting , Allowing...Results?
I go back to the bathroom ,wash my face
Look at the face in the mirror
Suddenly I look to myself, younger fresher...at peace

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Saying goodbye...

Remember this song..? " I never can say goodbye, no no no I , I never can say GOODBYE..! (this clip brings me back - you gotta watch it!

I just finished a four day workshop in Biosynthesis, a method of body oriented Psychotherapy I am both training in, and experiencing through therapy for the past year and a half.

The theme of this workshop was : "Crowning". All stages of the learning process in Biosynthesis are connected to the Chakras, and now we have reached the Crown chakra.  Crowning has many associations, many aspects, one of them being, how capable are we of saying: "Goodbye"?

As every woman knows, when the head of the baby leaving his mother's womb "crowns"...we are saying goodbye, to a life we knew and entering a new one. Really, it's kind of a death...How we experienced this moment, this process, our birth, how hurried, stressed or forced, or relatively easy it was, has had an impact on us, on a cellular level, and usually a very unconscious one.

One of our exercises was to reflect, together with a partner about what saying Goodbye means to us. And different aspects of it, for example, when I say goodbye I am afraid I am losing my safe ground. This aspect resonated for me most. Also we were asked to find the benefits in these aspects.

Ahhhh. What came up for me of course was saying goodbye to my dear dad...but, I didn't bring it up.

Instead I remembered how often as a child, I had no choice , but to say goodbye to places and people.
How terrifying it is for me. As early as four years old, when we moved from Israel to the States, and then within the States from the West to East coast, and finally from the US back to Israel (what a shock to the system that was, and one I can remember!) During the first part of the exercise, just talking about it, I experienced an incredible headache1 I felt like I was getting sick again! What I did see as a benefit from all this was my ability to make friends easily, and adjust pretty fast, and maybe have a broader perspective.(?)

During the second part, we were asked to see a vision, to try and imagine a change , even small, envision it! Since I had mentioned I wanted to move because my apartment is getting too small for my soon to be 11 year old twins and I ( and the bunnies), my partner invited me to see a new apartment, one that I move to not because of external reasons, but because I choose too. It was great! I took a walk in my new apartment, saw my new bedroom, my kids' rooms,  a beautiful kitchen. At  the end of that part, like a miracle, my headache was gone!

Wow this work is so powerful!

And this brings me back to, ahem, the affair that started when the #215800 challenge began. From the get go, my dream said, Yael , this ain't for you. Did I did listen? Nope! Then I got ill, very ill with that horrible, practically strangling throat infection. Well, I've known Louise Hay long enough and had enough throat infections over the years to know what that means! Add to that my shoulder and my knee that act up and out whenever I feel weak and there is no SPACE for me. And to top it all off, I began to get an itch, you- know-where, and then even the sex was no fun! ( boy I'm beginning to sound like some invalid!)

Ahhhh. Some space for some self compassion.

I also notice some kind of movement, in and out, pushing away, pulling back, reaching out. Scared to be alone...

And yet, here I am tonight, when, according to the Jewish calendar I should be celebrating The Love Festival, I am alone. Upset that once again, I've been moved. That against my choice, yes that's it -  my need for choice is not met, again.

To be honest, I'm not as upset now as I was earlier...because being alone, folks , is my default.

Next post - putting in my order to the Universe!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sunset...Never get tired of 'em

A couple of nights ago on a beach North of Tel Aviv....How come I never get tired of them?Enjoy....
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Two parts of my body - two messengers

Wow , again too much time between posts! Just noticed it's been ten days...oh how I miss being challenged, in a writing structure, to be contained...

 For a very long time I have had two very painful parts in my body: My left shoulder and my right knee. so long that when I went to see the orthopedic doctor a year ago, he said : that pain in your shoulder is Ancient. How ancient? Past life perhaps? I can't really say. I have a vague memory of sitting in my Vipassana retreat 25 years ago hearing the word Samskaras, in relation to the aches and pains that come up during meditation.

I know, they each have a story to tell, coupled with my back....but what are they trying to say? I'd like to say I have a dialogue with them, but really it's more like they are shouting something and I keep saying...huh?

Once , during a session with a friend the word "space" or "place" came up. Today, in my therapy sesssion, other things came up. I was talking about my affair with this man, repeating what I had said to him yesterday which was : " You're asking for patience from me? Well I want it too!" As I said this, I made two gestures with my hands. First I lifted both of them in  a Stop sign gesture, and then immediately brought my right hand to my left shoulder, partly supporting it - partly massaging it...and the whole arm crossing my body in a gesture of protection. My therapist then asked me to repeat the same movements again and again, while giving attention to what feeling or memory arises as I do this.

 ( In Biosynthesis, the method of therapy I am doing and studying formally, we let the movement bring up more information, or help stir memories)

What came up was alot of sadness. And an effort to protect myself...I am so trying to protect myself from more hurt in my life. And how much support I need, how much is lacking...

My therapist then asked: can I come and sit behind you and support this shoulder and your head? Lets experience something different, something new, and see how it feels? Then she also suggested we move to the floor, to the mattress and for me to create a safe space to be supported in, and all the while, more memories keep coming in, of how I am in relationships, all kinds of relationships, how much I want to be taken care of...how much I want to be seen, and how tired I am of holding it all together, tired of feeling alone.

 (This process, can only happen btw, in a therapuetic situation where trust and a connection, a strong bond, have been formed between therapist and client).

Suddenly the image that comes to my mind is of a Buddha that Jack Kornfield talks about in his book : "Wise Heart". This particular Buddha was a clay sculpture from centuries ago, cared for by the monks in the area. One day a monk discovered a crack in the clay. Everyday the crack widened and eventually revealed a GOLD Buddha that had been hidden from sight so many years, no one remembered it was there. Obviously it is a metaphor for our pure, unchanged selves, covered by all that and how much work we need to do to move the clay aside to be free.

Tired, longing to be free....
Stopping here.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


“He tried hard to help me, you know he put me at ease and he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees, I wish I had a river...I could skate away on....” Joni Mitchell (found a particularly shivering live version here)

Well I don’t know how hard he tried to help me, seems he was helping, or trying to help himself. But the fact of the matter is this beautiful eerry sad Joni song really portrays my mood now.

Aphrodite really did her work on me. I was excited, “in love” felt sexy and creative for the most part of this last month. In Hebrew the words creation and sexual urge or desire are from the same root. I can tell why. They just go together. And now, I’ve sunk into some depth which is hard to describe...but as my friend Michal put it, that’s kind of the way I am. Sad. That’s my default. Yes, I smile at you from this picture, (well actually, smiling at my son Tom who took this picture and always says to me first thing in the morning: Ima, Smile!) So yeah, I smile alright, but it’s not a smile coming from the depths of my soul.

Except when I put on music and just dance.

Struggling to find words...

After being told ( by mail, mind you!) last week by the man I was involved with, that he needs to go away and be with himself and face reality (‘it’s not you, it’s me...’) to coming back on track, and agreeing that we are in touch, to again being told (by e-mail, again) that it is over, I feel a mixture of things:
One: relief- because many of my needs were not getting met- namely, for a happy, fun open mutual, honest, reciprocal relationship, and I couldn’t find it within me to break it off, though I made some attempts. Secondly the moral issue...someone out there being lied to...yes yes, not my business -yet I am with someone who is doing that. Makes me sick to my stomach now to think I cooperated with that.

And now, an alone ness and sadness that have come to stay...find myself still checking my inbox, in anticipation, looking at the cellphone that’s silent, no text messages...the need for attention and being special...

Thank God that I am supported by therapy and loving friends...my therapist noticed how I tried so fast, in the good ol’ family tradition, to put up that ol’ stiff upper lip and keep going , as in business as usual... as if nothing had happened....as if I didn’t open my heart, wide wide open...as if I didn’t take that chance, as if I hadn’t been suddenly, left standing there with my mouth wide open.

Friends say..or at least some, it’s not you it’s him, he’s not connected to himself, he’s not worthy of you, but what if it is me?What if I am really not someone who guys want to be close to? Apart from in sex?aaaaahhhhhhhh

Let’s examine that for a moment, shall we? Lets say it is me, and I am awful to be with- a know it all, a perfectionist, judgmental, sad, rigid, a little puritanical despite my cool rebellious past and facade? What does that mean? Obviously it means that no one, who will get to know me, will want to stay with me. Somewhere deep inside me is a belief that I don’t deserve a man I want and suits me just fine.

After writing these words, I just collapsed on my bed, with a sore throat, heavy, tired feeling like I’m going be very sick, with a kind of pins and needle feeling all over.

So what if I don’t find anyone? Then what? I’ll be alone, and then what? I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life...well I’m miserable now so I don’t have to wait for the future for that! Of course I have no proof that any of this is true. As Katie puts it :”Reality is always kinder than our story”

It’s the next morning..been to the doctor and received antibiotics which I am reluctant to take. As Yasmin, my daughter put it, sometimes when you know what you have it’s already the cure...she’s a wise one that one.
The same evening I completely collapsed. High fever, the works. My twins took care of me, bringing me water to drink and cooling my forehead with towels, and yes I am taking those antibiotics.

Wish I could lift myself but the weight of the disappointment is too heavy...as my therapist put it: just be gentle with yourself for now...give time for healing...

This post has talken me days to write, that's it -  off it goes into cyberspace.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

In a garden...looking for my ground..

Since the begiining of this affair, this love affair,I have felt like a pendulum swaying this way and that. Like a leaf on a branch moved by the slightest breeze.

M said: " He'll never leave her, if you don''t want to get hurt, if you want this man, leave him now, straight away!"

G says: " Sounds like you need to live from your truth, you should live by your morals"

Another M says : He doesn't sound trustworthy, what does he want? And on the other hand, if you want him, you must be like Aphrodite...luring, beautiful smart, transformative...

A says: give it a chance! Why should he move from his favorite, regular resteraunt to a new one when he hasn't tasted enough to know, whether he really likes it or not?

S says : He's right,  A is, give it a chance, meanwhile, you're learning, you're experiencing, it's better than nothing!

And today, with yet another A , another voice, I hear myself apologising, for it, justifying in her ears, and maybe mine?, Justifying the fact that I'm living against my morals? And then she adds, well, when there's been sex, it completely takes over the head! Feeling ashamed, like there's something wrong with that.

So many voices! So many opinions! Reminds me of my Academy of Art days...when there were too many voices.

And what does Yaeli say? What does she know? (Middle of the night now, a small baby is crying from some apartment, somewhere, crying and crying....my heart cringes to hear it, why doesn't someone go to her? Dammit!!!( maybe that's me crying), God she's screaming now, please send someone to her for Heaven's sake!!!)

What does Yaeli know.

I know, that on Sunday night, after spending sometime together at the pool, talking, laughing hugging, and then much later at my place, I slept like a baby, a baby that has all it's needs met (unlike the one screaming in the distance- she stopped now, either she ran out of air or someone finally had some mercy). I slept so well, and woke up with so much energy! I went to sleep feeling satisfied, full, and slept the best I have done in years!

And then came Monday, off to Anne to interview her, then a feeling starts to creep over me , strange short text message, and then reading that mail at the dentists' office, (" It's not you it's me ..".) I nearly threw up, I felt so bad. I felt his anguish, his uncertainty and my heart sank into the depths, and a bad mood set in.
Tuesday, him wanting to talk, a meeting. S says go , of course you must go ( Jesus, have I no backbone to speak of?)

Meeting at the coffee shop, me trembling, trying to speak my truth, to say what I need, that I want a relationship, a consistnet one., huggging in the end, and yes, ok, we're back on course.

And today was Wednesday ( that baby is still crying...Lord, have mercy!) Feeling worried distracted, unhappy, except at my weekly Yoga class, Short conversations on the phone, he sounds bad, he's unwell, it sounds like he's worse off than me! Why do I need this? He keeps saying, you should find yourself another guy, at least three times...
I don't like myself this way! I'm angry scolding myself, trying to figure out: who's right who's wrong? What IS right?

I've always had a lot of patience. anyone who's seen my Metalwork, the intricacy of the pieces, the minute detail,s can tell they take hours to make. I made them with a lot of patience and love.

And in myParenting path, again a lot of patience. Breastfeeding twins simultaneously for three years...I'm sure I broke some record somewhere. And the homeschooling, present for them, till they reached six. It took a lot out of me. And I did it with a lot of love, devotion and conviction, no less.

And now, now it looks like I have run out. Maybe all that patience was me holding in, holding back my own needs, holding back my own true expression, my womanly needs, I don't know. I just know that I'm out. Really out. Out of patience and out of time.I want it all, I want what I deserve, and I want it NOW.What is all? To live in a way which makes me feel good about myself, a way that feels good in my body
A teacher of mine once asked: Yael, do you know where the soul lives? In THE BODY. I spent so many years disconnected from my body, not listening to it. Letting my head rule. Shoulds and should nots. My Yoga teacher, Anne, says in class: When you say "I" and make a gesture with your hand, where does it go automatically? Try it. Say : "I". It goes straight to the center of your body, around the solar plexus. It doesn't go to your head...Anne says that's why our posture says so much about our mental emotional state. Shoulders drooped and the whole chest area like a cavity, shows how we feel and how we face life. Lift the sternum, roll your shoulders back, it's like looking at life from a whole new perspective.

Sadness coming up now. My soul loves this man, is connected to him, maybe from a previous lifetime? Who knows and what does it matter?\

" In my garden

I have planted thee.

In my humble garden

In my heart

Within me'

Roughly translated from Hebrew, from the poet Rachel.

And I don't like the package it came wrapped in...And I have no patience. Zero. Sorry

That's me , now.