Since the begiining of this affair, this love affair,I have felt like a pendulum swaying this way and that. Like a leaf on a branch moved by the slightest breeze.
M said: " He'll never leave her, if you don''t want to get hurt, if you want this man, leave him now, straight away!"
G says: " Sounds like you need to live from your truth, you should live by your morals"
Another M says : He doesn't sound trustworthy, what does he want? And on the other hand, if you want him, you must be like Aphrodite...luring, beautiful smart, transformative...
A says: give it a chance! Why should he move from his favorite, regular resteraunt to a new one when he hasn't tasted enough to know, whether he really likes it or not?
S says : He's right, A is, give it a chance, meanwhile, you're learning, you're experiencing, it's better than nothing!
And today, with yet another A , another voice, I hear myself apologising, for it, justifying in her ears, and maybe mine?, Justifying the fact that I'm living against my morals? And then she adds, well, when there's been sex, it completely takes over the head! Feeling ashamed, like there's something wrong with that.
So many voices! So many opinions! Reminds me of my Academy of Art days...when there were too many voices.
And what does Yaeli say? What does she know? (Middle of the night now, a small baby is crying from some apartment, somewhere, crying and crying....my heart cringes to hear it, why doesn't someone go to her? Dammit!!!( maybe that's me crying), God she's screaming now, please send someone to her for Heaven's sake!!!)
What does Yaeli know.
I know, that on Sunday night, after spending sometime together at the pool, talking, laughing hugging, and then much later at my place, I slept like a baby, a baby that has all it's needs met (unlike the one screaming in the distance- she stopped now, either she ran out of air or someone finally had some mercy). I slept so well, and woke up with so much energy! I went to sleep feeling satisfied, full, and slept the best I have done in years!
And then came Monday, off to Anne to interview her, then a feeling starts to creep over me , strange short text message, and then reading that mail at the dentists' office, (" It's not you it's me ..".) I nearly threw up, I felt so bad. I felt his anguish, his uncertainty and my heart sank into the depths, and a bad mood set in.
Tuesday, him wanting to talk, a meeting. S says go , of course you must go ( Jesus, have I no backbone to speak of?)
Meeting at the coffee shop, me trembling, trying to speak my truth, to say what I need, that I want a relationship, a consistnet one., huggging in the end, and yes, ok, we're back on course.
And today was Wednesday ( that baby is still crying...Lord, have mercy!) Feeling worried distracted, unhappy, except at my weekly Yoga class, Short conversations on the phone, he sounds bad, he's unwell, it sounds like he's worse off than me! Why do I need this? He keeps saying, you should find yourself another guy, at least three times...
I don't like myself this way! I'm angry scolding myself, trying to figure out: who's right who's wrong? What IS right?
I've always had a lot of patience. anyone who's seen my Metalwork, the intricacy of the pieces, the minute detail,s can tell they take hours to make. I made them with a lot of patience and love.
And in myParenting path, again a lot of patience. Breastfeeding twins simultaneously for three years...I'm sure I broke some record somewhere. And the homeschooling, present for them, till they reached six. It took a lot out of me. And I did it with a lot of love, devotion and conviction, no less.
And now, now it looks like I have run out. Maybe all that patience was me holding in, holding back my own needs, holding back my own true expression, my womanly needs, I don't know. I just know that I'm out. Really out. Out of patience and out of time.I want it all, I want what I deserve, and I want it NOW.What is all? To live in a way which makes me feel good about myself, a way that feels good in my body
A teacher of mine once asked: Yael, do you know where the soul lives? In THE BODY. I spent so many years disconnected from my body, not listening to it. Letting my head rule. Shoulds and should nots. My Yoga teacher, Anne, says in class: When you say "I" and make a gesture with your hand, where does it go automatically? Try it. Say : "I". It goes straight to the center of your body, around the solar plexus. It doesn't go to your head...Anne says that's why our posture says so much about our mental emotional state. Shoulders drooped and the whole chest area like a cavity, shows how we feel and how we face life. Lift the sternum, roll your shoulders back, it's like looking at life from a whole new perspective.
Sadness coming up now. My soul loves this man, is connected to him, maybe from a previous lifetime? Who knows and what does it matter?\
" In my garden
I have planted thee.
In my humble garden
In my heart
Roughly translated from Hebrew, from the poet Rachel.
And I don't like the package it came wrapped in...And I have no patience. Zero. Sorry
That's me , now.