“He tried hard to help me, you know he put me at ease and he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees, I wish I had a river...I could skate away on....” Joni Mitchell (found a particularly shivering live version here)
Well I don’t know how hard he tried to help me, seems he was helping, or trying to help himself. But the fact of the matter is this beautiful eerry sad Joni song really portrays my mood now.
Aphrodite really did her work on me. I was excited, “in love” felt sexy and creative for the most part of this last month. In Hebrew the words creation and sexual urge or desire are from the same root. I can tell why. They just go together. And now, I’ve sunk into some depth which is hard to describe...but as my friend Michal put it, that’s kind of the way I am. Sad. That’s my default. Yes, I smile at you from this picture, (well actually, smiling at my son Tom who took this picture and always says to me first thing in the morning: Ima, Smile!) So yeah, I smile alright, but it’s not a smile coming from the depths of my soul.
Except when I put on music and just dance.
Struggling to find words...
After being told ( by mail, mind you!) last week by the man I was involved with, that he needs to go away and be with himself and face reality (‘it’s not you, it’s me...’) to coming back on track, and agreeing that we are in touch, to again being told (by e-mail, again) that it is over, I feel a mixture of things:
One: relief- because many of my needs were not getting met- namely, for a happy, fun open mutual, honest, reciprocal relationship, and I couldn’t find it within me to break it off, though I made some attempts. Secondly the moral issue...someone out there being lied to...yes yes, not my business -yet I am with someone who is doing that. Makes me sick to my stomach now to think I cooperated with that.
And now, an alone ness and sadness that have come to stay...find myself still checking my inbox, in anticipation, looking at the cellphone that’s silent, no text messages...the need for attention and being special...
Thank God that I am supported by therapy and loving friends...my therapist noticed how I tried so fast, in the good ol’ family tradition, to put up that ol’ stiff upper lip and keep going , as in business as usual... as if nothing had happened....as if I didn’t open my heart, wide wide open...as if I didn’t take that chance, as if I hadn’t been suddenly, left standing there with my mouth wide open.
Friends say..or at least some, it’s not you it’s him, he’s not connected to himself, he’s not worthy of you, but what if it is me?What if I am really not someone who guys want to be close to? Apart from in sex?aaaaahhhhhhhh
Let’s examine that for a moment, shall we? Lets say it is me, and I am awful to be with- a know it all, a perfectionist, judgmental, sad, rigid, a little puritanical despite my cool rebellious past and facade? What does that mean? Obviously it means that no one, who will get to know me, will want to stay with me. Somewhere deep inside me is a belief that I don’t deserve a man I want and suits me just fine.
After writing these words, I just collapsed on my bed, with a sore throat, heavy, tired feeling like I’m going be very sick, with a kind of pins and needle feeling all over.
So what if I don’t find anyone? Then what? I’ll be alone, and then what? I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life...well I’m miserable now so I don’t have to wait for the future for that! Of course I have no proof that any of this is true. As Katie puts it :”Reality is always kinder than our story”
It’s the next morning..been to the doctor and received antibiotics which I am reluctant to take. As Yasmin, my daughter put it, sometimes when you know what you have it’s already the cure...she’s a wise one that one.
The same evening I completely collapsed. High fever, the works. My twins took care of me, bringing me water to drink and cooling my forehead with towels, and yes I am taking those antibiotics.
Wish I could lift myself but the weight of the disappointment is too heavy...as my therapist put it: just be gentle with yourself for now...give time for healing...
This post has talken me days to write, that's it - off it goes into cyberspace.