Remember this song..? " I never can say goodbye, no no no I , I never can say GOODBYE..! (this clip brings me back - you gotta watch it!
I just finished a four day workshop in Biosynthesis, a method of body oriented Psychotherapy I am both training in, and experiencing through therapy for the past year and a half.
The theme of this workshop was : "Crowning". All stages of the learning process in Biosynthesis are connected to the Chakras, and now we have reached the Crown chakra. Crowning has many associations, many aspects, one of them being, how capable are we of saying: "Goodbye"?
As every woman knows, when the head of the baby leaving his mother's womb "crowns"...we are saying goodbye, to a life we knew and entering a new one. Really, it's kind of a death...How we experienced this moment, this process, our birth, how hurried, stressed or forced, or relatively easy it was, has had an impact on us, on a cellular level, and usually a very unconscious one.
One of our exercises was to reflect, together with a partner about what saying Goodbye means to us. And different aspects of it, for example, when I say goodbye I am afraid I am losing my safe ground. This aspect resonated for me most. Also we were asked to find the benefits in these aspects.
Ahhhh. What came up for me of course was saying goodbye to my dear dad...but, I didn't bring it up.
Instead I remembered how often as a child, I had no choice , but to say goodbye to places and people.
How terrifying it is for me. As early as four years old, when we moved from Israel to the States, and then within the States from the West to East coast, and finally from the US back to Israel (what a shock to the system that was, and one I can remember!) During the first part of the exercise, just talking about it, I experienced an incredible headache1 I felt like I was getting sick again! What I did see as a benefit from all this was my ability to make friends easily, and adjust pretty fast, and maybe have a broader perspective.(?)
During the second part, we were asked to see a vision, to try and imagine a change , even small, envision it! Since I had mentioned I wanted to move because my apartment is getting too small for my soon to be 11 year old twins and I ( and the bunnies), my partner invited me to see a new apartment, one that I move to not because of external reasons, but because I choose too. It was great! I took a walk in my new apartment, saw my new bedroom, my kids' rooms, a beautiful kitchen. At the end of that part, like a miracle, my headache was gone!
Wow this work is so powerful!
And this brings me back to, ahem, the affair that started when the #215800 challenge began. From the get go, my dream said, Yael , this ain't for you. Did I did listen? Nope! Then I got ill, very ill with that horrible, practically strangling throat infection. Well, I've known Louise Hay long enough and had enough throat infections over the years to know what that means! Add to that my shoulder and my knee that act up and out whenever I feel weak and there is no SPACE for me. And to top it all off, I began to get an itch, you- know-where, and then even the sex was no fun! ( boy I'm beginning to sound like some invalid!)
Ahhhh. Some space for some self compassion.
I also notice some kind of movement, in and out, pushing away, pulling back, reaching out. Scared to be alone...
And yet, here I am tonight, when, according to the Jewish calendar I should be celebrating The Love Festival, I am alone. Upset that once again, I've been moved. That against my choice, yes that's it - my need for choice is not met, again.
To be honest, I'm not as upset now as I was earlier...because being alone, folks , is my default.
Next post - putting in my order to the Universe!