Reading the last mail from him
I felt a huge knot in my belly
But the "automatic response system" was on,
And it was
To write a response from my head,
More Justifications
More Blame
More, I did this , You said that
Words
Got up
Had a shower
And then, that pain again
I thought:
What if I just SIT with it for a moment?
Instead of re-acting
Instead of plodding on, tasks
To do
Instead of Denial?
What would happen?
Tried it
Sat, slowly
Felt Pain
in my abdomen, the knot
Said:
"I feel pain, I feel pain" out loud
Felt it
Move up and up and out, breathing all the time
Tears welling, flooding my eyes
Voice, suddenly, wailing, crying,
Strange sounds
And then an urge to throw up
This is where I get scared
I start pushing it down
Again, No just not throw up, not alone
Running to the bathroom
Nothing comes up
Just Nasuea
Come back to sofa. Sit. Write Move , Breath
A little more pain.
No relief, yet, knowing there will be. And still
Must go
Shop. Do. Continue
Life is calling
Sitting , Allowing...Results?
I go back to the bathroom ,wash my face
Look at the face in the mirror
Suddenly I look to myself, younger fresher...at peace
What a very heart rending piece. The pain here is almost tangible and the ending felt like a soft sigh. Does that make sense? New follower, thanks for stopping by my blog!
ReplyDeleteThank you mommylebron...I love all the "le's" of your family, makes everyone so regal!
ReplyDeleteYes, to answer your question, it does make sense, the end was a sigh...there was some relief...ahhh