Reading the last mail from him
I felt a huge knot in my belly
But the "automatic response system" was on,
And it was
To write a response from my head,
More, I did this , You said that
Had a shower
And then, that pain again
What if I just SIT with it for a moment?
Instead of re-acting
Instead of plodding on, tasks
Instead of Denial?
What would happen?
in my abdomen, the knot
"I feel pain, I feel pain" out loud
Move up and up and out, breathing all the time
Tears welling, flooding my eyes
Voice, suddenly, wailing, crying,
And then an urge to throw up
This is where I get scared
I start pushing it down
Again, No just not throw up, not alone
Running to the bathroom
Nothing comes up
Come back to sofa. Sit. Write Move , Breath
A little more pain.
No relief, yet, knowing there will be. And still
Shop. Do. Continue
Life is calling
Sitting , Allowing...Results?
I go back to the bathroom ,wash my face
Look at the face in the mirror
Suddenly I look to myself, younger fresher...at peace