Wow , again too much time between posts! Just noticed it's been ten days...oh how I miss being challenged, in a writing structure, to be contained...
For a very long time I have had two very painful parts in my body: My left shoulder and my right knee. so long that when I went to see the orthopedic doctor a year ago, he said : that pain in your shoulder is Ancient. How ancient? Past life perhaps? I can't really say. I have a vague memory of sitting in my Vipassana retreat 25 years ago hearing the word Samskaras, in relation to the aches and pains that come up during meditation.
I know, they each have a story to tell, coupled with my back....but what are they trying to say? I'd like to say I have a dialogue with them, but really it's more like they are shouting something and I keep saying...huh?
Once , during a session with a friend the word "space" or "place" came up. Today, in my therapy sesssion, other things came up. I was talking about my affair with this man, repeating what I had said to him yesterday which was : " You're asking for patience from me? Well I want it too!" As I said this, I made two gestures with my hands. First I lifted both of them in a Stop sign gesture, and then immediately brought my right hand to my left shoulder, partly supporting it - partly massaging it...and the whole arm crossing my body in a gesture of protection. My therapist then asked me to repeat the same movements again and again, while giving attention to what feeling or memory arises as I do this.
( In Biosynthesis, the method of therapy I am doing and studying formally, we let the movement bring up more information, or help stir memories)
What came up was alot of sadness. And an effort to protect myself...I am so trying to protect myself from more hurt in my life. And how much support I need, how much is lacking...
My therapist then asked: can I come and sit behind you and support this shoulder and your head? Lets experience something different, something new, and see how it feels? Then she also suggested we move to the floor, to the mattress and for me to create a safe space to be supported in, and all the while, more memories keep coming in, of how I am in relationships, all kinds of relationships, how much I want to be taken care of...how much I want to be seen, and how tired I am of holding it all together, tired of feeling alone.
(This process, can only happen btw, in a therapuetic situation where trust and a connection, a strong bond, have been formed between therapist and client).
Suddenly the image that comes to my mind is of a Buddha that Jack Kornfield talks about in his book : "Wise Heart". This particular Buddha was a clay sculpture from centuries ago, cared for by the monks in the area. One day a monk discovered a crack in the clay. Everyday the crack widened and eventually revealed a GOLD Buddha that had been hidden from sight so many years, no one remembered it was there. Obviously it is a metaphor for our pure, unchanged selves, covered by all that and how much work we need to do to move the clay aside to be free.
Tired, longing to be free....