I can't even say no to my cleaner. for heaven's sake! I can't say simply - you're fired! Or , NO thanks. I don't need you anymore. ( well. the truth is I DO need help with the house, I WANT help, but not HIS help)
This is so symptomatic of my whole life. Saying NO, the ability to say NO, this doesn't suit me, this isn't RIGHT, it doesn't FIT ME.
Even when I say no, finally, I'm in regret two minutes later, saying, did I do the "right" thing?
Why can't I say NO, no, no, or even I'll think about it, or let me check with myself, and get back to you? Maybe because checking with my self doesn't have any results? I'm not going to find any new answers in my- SELF? Is it because I am SO disconnected? A sense of desperation comes over me with these words.
Aagh! Oh Brother, as Charlie Brown would say.
and NO! (My passive- aggressiveness coming out)
Or this trip I organized , I initiated, and then woke up one morning, before paying for it, feeling, no , this is too big for me, ...and here I am, going on Saturday with my 84 year old Mom, and she's OLD I realize suddenly, so old it makes my heart break, and two kids, for a week, wow I'm stressed.
I could go on and on, about almost every area in my life, but I guess it would just be more of the same, from start to finish.
But what influences my day. my mood most, is my love affair... I said NO. I regretted it. I said No again...I'm going back and forth. No, I won't sleep with him anymore, it'll give me perspective, I'll be able to see ,more clearly, do I even LIKE this guy? Shit, (sorry for the profanity, lack of better word) we've never even been to a movie together!
Well, almost, on Saturday, I found myself, in what is known as " by coincidence" in the same film theater that he went to with his lady. Pure Masochism! And in a film, (fantastic btw, about a man who has a lover, following up to his decision. I won't tell you the end). That wasn't the film I was planning on seeing, but the only one there were tickets for, and I knew he'd be there.
I saw a great film...and saw how much it hurt. My friend and I thought it would be a gas , but on truth, it hurt, and a lot.
He left in the middle - how could he?So RELEVANT to his life, I guess it says everything about the man. (here I go with my totality and judgments again and again)
Saying NO, has to do with healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries which are formed and imprinted when we are babies, or rather, toddlers. How much we were allowed to say NO in those formative years. Was our No accepted? Empathized with? Recognized as part of our healthy development? Healthy boundaries help us have healthy aggression, which means , to move forward in life, planning, executing, assertiveness... moving ahead...on...all areas where I see myself lacking.
no, no. no......NO NO NO!! It's a hurting aching no... (brings up the memory of this song, which I'm happy to find on You Tube)
I'm learning, I know I am - and I will master this art of saying no, self connected, healthy, self empathizing, self loving, no.