So, it's over.
This thing was building up for a couple of months or more. Courting me through Facebook chat, gmail, and then suddenly, even though I said no a couple of times, suddenly it exploded, phone calls, text messages, e-mails and three explosive meetings, full of emotion and intensity, and heavenly sex and a feeling of connection I had never experienced before. Yesterday my appetite was gone completely. I barely slept for a few days.
And now. Silence.
I woke up heavy with a heavy heart, went to my therapy session, you read about this before, and decided to talk with him. And ASK...what are your intentions regarding me. Am I a just a fling for you, or do you see in your vision being with me, in some reasonable time frame. Understand...he said, I can't make any drastic moves in my life now, my Mom has cancer I'm inundated with things at work and family ... I said straight away: these are all excuses, you just don't want to move from your comfort zone. You have a nice home (even though it's HERS) everything is nice and comfy. So, you just thought , mmmm I'll have a nice little fling here? Well his answers could've been taken from some third grade pulp fiction...So I won't even repeat it here, I respect my readers too much. What do you want he asked? I want a partner, in an aware relationship, a present one, I won't BE with someone in this manner, no matter how IN LOVE I felt. I felt my body shake when I said to him, if you can't leave a situation where you're not happy for a long time and live with integrity, then you're not the man for me in any case. I am living my truth. My body was shaking as I said this, oops I wrote this twice...it was strong.
I should know because I did live a lie for a long while. I was living with a man who I couldn't come near to sexually and mostly denied that part of me, which was, let's face it, easy to do when you have twins, and you're breastfeeding them for three years, After that and until I left my husband , the kids were home-schooled. All this went on till that fateful class re-union back in 2005. Just a few days earlier I had found out my Hemoglobin was so low that I needed IV of Iron for three weeks, twice a week. I was soooooooooo tired and drained in every sense.
And then came this re-union, and a guy who had always had a crush on me when we were little...it was immediate, like fire. And it went on for nine months. Towards the end of that period, actually through almost all that time., I felt terrible about lying. I was scared. I was afraid ...but at one point my inner truth was stronger and I confronted my husband . In the beginning I said I want an open marriage, and then the truth came out. I'm very lucky to have been married to a man who was a gentleman through the whole process...He said: If you don't leave him then we must part. So I said OK, lets...
I want you to understand that this was all after trying so many times to get him to come to therapy with me. Only when someone else showed up did he agree. But it was too late...and it had been too late for a long time. So I found an apartment and four months later, I took the kids and moved to another town, sent them to school (an alternative one, but still a school) and started my journey. Oh yeah, the affair ended when I realized the man wasn't following...so I was left, alone.
And now, physically alone at that. With two kids aged five and a half. It became the most stressful time of my life. My blood pressure went up, my period stopped, and I had a couple of bad relationships, one with a psychpath and the other just pretty screwed up. Went to "normal" therapy, and then, thinking I want to finally live a dream of becoming a therapist, found the Body Psychotherapy called Biosynthesis, which I am studying and experiencing as well. So now I've sent my now ex-lover home to Mama, and to therapy, and said that until he decides to leave her, we won't meet again. And that's it. Didn't have time to even grieve, because I had to pick up my kids from school.
Tears don't come easily to me...they were suppressed for a very long time. I fell in love, I did, it was something so powerful...maybe I should've hung on a little more? Maybe he would've become attached to me and then left her???
God, can you PLLEEEASE send me a worthy, loving, handsome, just right kinda guy for me? I want to continue my journey hand in hand....
Off to carpool the kids....see you all good souls later...