"When I do something I don't want to, my heart hurts" - Yasmin aged ten.
I'm already so goddamn miserable! Why? I can't seem to put a finger on it.
Thoughts-I shouldn't have slept with him, I compromised, I did something against my will and now I'll pay for it, now that I've slept with him he'll disappear, he didn't like my house, he saw all the flaws,in my kitchen , my bathroom, my bedroom, the hair I didn't remove from my legs (well I am kind of practically hairless. I'm thinking negative negative negative. I talked too much, he didn't like the Biosynthesis talk, I scared him off, But mainly- " I shouldn't have slept with him so fast" that's the thought that's giving me hell!
Well, lets "Work" it Byron Katie style:
"I shouldn't have slept with him so fast" -
1. Is that true?
Yes! I know it! I'm positive of it - based on the fact that I am barely hearing from him, and it's the weekend, I know he's at home with his lady, but still...
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true, a hundred percent, that you shouldn't have slept with him?
thoughts that come up, while letting that question sink:
He's amazing, he's everything I've always wanted...so the answer is , I guess I'm not so sure...
3. How do I feel, what happens to me , when I think that thought?
I'm in hell, complete Hell! My mood goes way way down, I walk around with a frown on my face, I lose focus, I am totally NOT in the present moment, re-screening every scene again and again, there's fear arising. And worst of all, there's this pain in my heart - just like my daughter said when I dragged her (well, not literally!) back to her room to fix the mess she had made- " Quote above. God those two kids are WISE, in touch with their feelings...well at least I can pat myself on the back here...good job, Yael.
Suddenly I'm thinking maybe the real sentence to do The Work on, is, I didn't want to sleep with him, is THAT true?mmm - still, let's finish this one first.
Question number four: Who would I be, How would I be without that thought? 'Cause with it, I'm in hell. Without it, let me see. ( Katie guides us to SIT with the question for a moment, so I'm sitting, at the pool, actually)
Sigh, well I think I'd be PRESENT, definitely not in Hell, this self inflicted burning inferno, not Heaven - which is the other side of Hell. Remembering my hero John Lennon...."Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try, no Hell below us, above us only sky..." Looking up now through the trees at the sky, so expansive, so big!
Looking down - and around, I notice people around me at the pool, and noticing that I find women's bodies so much more beautiful and appealing than most of the men, they're such hairy beasts! Except my new man who has hair in just the right amount...and there he is, back in my head!
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Heaven and Hell
Now the Turnaround If you're not familiar with "The Work", this is the part where after you've questioned and inquired into the truth about your thoughts, you get to start exploring the infinite possibilities, by turning the original statement around:
" I shouldn't have slept with him, so fast""- turns into:
I should have slept with him (when I did). Now three possible reasons why that's true:
1. Because my body was saying YES to it. Every time he hugged me my first chakra would basically MOVE, even remembering that I still feel it!
2. Because I did. That's reality. It happened. And if I'm not under the illusion that "I" control everything I do, then I'm much more forgiving, accepting of myself, what a relief..
3. Because I am in love, and that's natural, girl, and now I feel my heart now, but softer...
Well, after writing all that down (on paper first btw) I feel MUCH better! This "Work" is like magic- as Katie puts it : it's the fast track to end your own suffering - but not in a cheap way, it's mindful it's self accepting, and I highly recommend it when you find a thought is not letting you BE.
So, I feel better, I had a swim in the pool with my kids, Yasmin and Tom who you'll no doubt be hearing about in the days to come.
And still, I can't get him out of my head: His lips, his tattoo, on that tanned shoulder, the way he laughs and the way he looks straight into my eyes , so close, noses colliding, and then you see only one eye...remember this? I used to love doing this as a kid - Imagining him here with me at the pool. But where is he? With his lady.
To be continued-