Am I any closer to ME? - challenge day 6

   A Yael  or Ibex, in the Israeli Negev Desert

Now I'm angry and jealous, too.

And I just read this which didn't make me feel any better - from another blog on the challenge - quoted from Eat Pray Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." 

Is this what is happening to me? Well I already quoted Joni- didn't I? Just as I was about to surrender completely to the experience...and just beginning to feel trust, boom, something hits me in the face. Jealousy...all he said was that he's in Tel Aviv on a fashionable avenue , looking at chics as he drives by and that he loves looking at chics and boom I'm hit like a stone..well I wanted to say , hey I love looking at chics too, but I didn't because the next thing you know I'll be hearing an offer to do a threesome. Men are so into that fantasy, aren't they.

So yeah - I feel sad now I feel on a roller coaster ride - and what has happened to my focus? God. I thought I had evolved - I thought I was over men who were in a worse condition than me, I thought I had met an equal!

I wish I had something else to write about, I am hitting myself over the head and nothing nothing will help...no Byron Katie or anything. I am tired- that is the truth. And when you're tired everything seems wrong. I need a break, I have to sleep tonight I just have to. Will continue this later, no one said it has to be written in one sitting, right? Barely through and I feel like I am trudging through. Want to be smart and useful and inspired like all the cool ladies and a couple of guys on this challenge.

Here I am it's almost 2 am and I am awake again...well one thing is clear. Since this affair has begun I am not sleeping at night, and I think that says it all. I went to sleep at 10 o clock and woke up at 1am and that's it...3 hours sleep, that's just not enough!

Let's look at what's happening here...until I met him I was having a great week, I did two evenings on Empathy, was sleeping (well almost) every night. My friend Gila is right -  I must know what I want, If I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who's tied to someone else then that's what I need to do! No one can live my life for me, unfortunately, sometimes I feel. Like I said while I got a warm warm hug from her ( she's 7 months pregnant with her third child and quite big):  Can I get into your womb for awhile? And seriously this is how I often feel. Just someone take care of me again, please! Somehow I think that this challenge and all this writing may lead to something...

Today while I was at my daughter Yasmin's riding class, I spoke to him on the phone. Now normally I'll be watching her class, 'cause it's important to her and to me. Quality time. So I'm talking to him and noticing, I am not at ease. When will I see you again..he asks. How about tomorrow afternoon I can cut out of work early and come over, he says. An afternoon with the lover... Aagh already I begin to feel uncomfortable. And what about that dream I had last week, where it was clear, I don't want to be hidden from sight! I don't want to be someone's affair! What I'm more worried about with this thing, is that again, I am looking outside of myself for the answer. Wake up , girl it's just not going to happen!

I am working hard, so hard in my life, to become more aware, more in touch with my feelings, and to act upon them. And here I am letting that slip away...and for what? To get some loving attention from someone, it seems. I say that to myself as if it's a small thing. I am yearning for it. I haven't really been in a real relationship with someone for years, perhaps never, because my marriage was with a man who is incapable, who was far more out of touch with himself and me. 

Somewhere along the line, in my first relationship, with my mother, I mean, trust was broken. And it must have been at a very young age, and over some time, for me to learn that I can't find it. And now, through therapy I am trying to get in touch with, and re-create that trust. and I believe that it's possible,  otherwise, why would I be spending so much time and energy there?

Wow, I suddenly realized I am well past the 800 word mark ( do quotes count?)

Am I any closer to ME?

to be continued and that's a promise to my-self and to you.

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