"He comes for conversation..." Day 7

"He comes for conversation, I comfort him sometimes...comfort and consultation, he knows , that's what he'll find..."

Joni Mitchell 

I am so, so tired- This has been the most emotionally nerve- wracking week of my life...from an incredible high with myself, because I was feeling so happy with my work and the emerging of new things, to  this emotional entanglement. Well, my friend Michah, an old friend of 30 years and a guy...says I should THANK this man for:

 a. giving me material to write in this challenge and

 b.  (and more importantly) to show me where I am exactly in my life..He's a mirror, and that's true, I mean, if I believe that all experiences and people mirror where we are in life , with our-selves, then baby, this is no exception. So thank you, you out there who is reading this blog everyday and is in direct connection to my soul. Also, he said that I should dump him, and the sooner the better! (And as I read in my comments, so say some of you...:-) )

I have never never felt this way. Everything resonates, the voice , the touch the laugh, the intensity of the gaze. And then a voice says...what do you know about this man? How he handles his finances, how truthful is he?( Not to mention what kind of music he likes...) Michah says if he is living with a woman he has no more connection with and is continuing to live with her, then he is OUT OF TOUCH with his feelings and that I should get out, and immediately, otherwise I am in for some big big hurt. He's got experience with that. And yes , I agree. I need to ask my-self and look at where I am and what I want.

How available am I for a relationship?

I am seperated for almost four years and have not yet been able to finalize my divorce.Yes , I left my husband physically, but have found it incredibly hard to sign the papers. Saying, maybe I should give up my quest, to find the mate of my dreams and just go back to him. He's a nice man, he was always devoted to me and still is, but there was so much missing there on the emotional and physical level. I have no impulse to go back, so why don't I just close that chapter, complete that circle, and move on? Scared to.

It's 7 am I have to get in the car and go to Tel Aviv, the big city where I resided for 18 years, and left four years ago when I left my husband. I am a little behind in my writing. Well I had to sleep for a change! It's off to my therapy session, which is a Godsend as far as I'm concerned now.Will continue later.

I'm in a cafe in Tel Aviv opposite my therapist's clinic. Things I wanted to write yesterday came to mind. For example, my aloneness. I have been alone all my life. Sure, I have friends , I was married for 13 years, I have two beautiful amazing children, a mother. and yet a feeling of alone- ness is all pervading, there always. Images of myself alone, age 7 sitting in my bedroomn in the States with my Danny Kaye records telling stories,(Hans Christian Anderson), dancing and singing in the livingroom to Peter Paul and Mary, and the only Israeli record I knew at that time. Daydreaming in the backyard...alot of alone, suddenly come back. 

So what's different? Maybe this is the way I was meant to be , to spend my life in solitude. According to alot of theories , if we were left alone as babies, this a pattern embedded in us at a very very early age and it's something we learn to re-create agin and again ( God I really must learn to type faster).

Dr. William Sears who's Baby Book was my Bible when the twins were born, said : Needs that are met at the right time, allow the child to move on to the next developmental stage, in a healthy way. Needs that are not met, can never be replaced later on.: (Paraphrasing here.) Well I believed that until I encountered the system of therapy I am in. We CAN learn, or re-learn our capacity to trust, to be in true connection with someone. It's possible, through our bodies, on a cellular level.

I have to sign off again...therapy's about to begin. How lucky am I? To have this challenge, to have my therapist, to have him....who's making me write! And to you lovely ladies who have been reading and commenting. Gratitude, really. later

Out from therapy. Orna, my therapist says what she's hearing from me is two things:

1. I am trying , perhaps too hard and too fast, to give myself answers and to label things. As in: "I'm not available for a relationship..and this is why it's happening!". With an exclamation mark. Stuff like that...but it is much deeper than that.

2. From my descriptions of the way I interacted with my friend, asking her to hold me, asking for her time...she notices that what I truly want is to be close, to be HELD, to BE with someone...in every sense of the word. Ahhhh The recognition of that brought on alot of tears. And mainly, I need to rest

See you all later.