Sunday, December 26, 2010
Leaping into vulnerability
It's been a tough week.
And I'm layin' it out here folks, like it happened.
Some may say I'm taking the leap into vulnerability?
Started last Thursday with a serious faux pas as the French say, when I made a very blunt remark on a partner's work. I felt enraged, couldn't contain it, and/or downsize it. I can't explain the scope of feeling that came up, when I saw work I didn't like. Still trying to understand my explosion. I felt awful, as a result.
Then another meeting that ended badly (not straight away but nevertheless) with aa man I had been in a relationship with for the past half a year. A place where I had given trust time and time again and had been betrayed- but still came back for more. Some will call it masochism, I don't know what or why, just trying my best to lick my wounds and carry on with a little more self awareness, and hopefully, compassion for both of us.
But the truth is - I'm angry, and I want revenge. I felt very vengeful...seeing all kinds of movies in my head where I go to the man's wife and hand her a letter with a print out of all our e-mails from the past half a year. Truthfully, just thinking about it made me feel bad, physically and I decided no good would come of it. And still those thoughts came popping back into my head! Ahhhhhhh.
Felt very very down all through the week. Somewhere I read that Mercury was regressing and that's why there was bad communication going on for many of us. Still , that was no solace.
From all this heavy thinking and less doing I finally, on Friday, gave myself a "real" reason to feel bad in the form of a major bump on the head I got while cleaning the house, exactly 2 milimeters from my third eye, right in the middle of my forhead for all to see. Luckily with the help of Arnica it doesn't look like a bruise but it's swollen and hurts REAL BAD.
To top it all off, my Mom got it ill in the middle of a nice lunch we were invited to yesterday, in a beautiful garden, on a sunny day, which was supposed to be a tranquil moment for me. So much for that. We ended up calling an ambulance because all the blood drained from her face and she couldn't stand up, after all, she's nearing 85.
I can tell you, I was scared, particularly after attending an old friend's funeral that same week...
I know how fragile life is - I know we could all go in any given moment- andI know his passingaffected her, I know she's scared and so am I - scared to lose - if we do lose- the person who has been closest and around all these years, my Mom.
Must leave you with something hopefull, interesting , thought provoking and touching I watched this week from Brene Brown, who researches vulnerability and the way we numb ourselves in our society, the Western Society.( Why must I ? I suddenly ask myself...so that you will love me, or that I will think I'll be useful to you in some way, except for sharing my misery?)
Fow whatever reason- here goes:
Posted by Yael Brisker at Sunday, December 26, 2010