After listening to El at TruthPassionJoy.com I want to make a lis, a list of dreams, a list of things I want.
Why is it so hard for me?
The past couple of months have been so full of pain (physical too) and self-doubt, that everything I thought was true for me suddenly wasn't there anymore. My goal /dream of becoming a therapist, even believing in my ability to write, went down the drain, hence the long absence from this blog.
I experienced panic becoming the main feeling I was walking around with.
I have so many abilities.
I can sing
I can write
I can photograph
I can listen and empathize
I have fantastic hands, for making things and for soothing, people say my touch is great.
I love the internet and can use some of it's tools, though there is always more to learn...
I'm wonderful with babies and people...
But what about my list?
what about my dreams?
I want to FEEL the feeling of wanting with all my heart. Not what my parents or sibling wanted for me, not my children's wants, my own.
When was the last time I really WANTED, trying to find it somewhere in my life.
Does it have to be big? Can it be made of tiny wants? When I think about food for example, what kind do I love? Can I feel it coming from my belly? Food and wanting seem to go together...
And SO WHAT if I know (or speculate) that it started when I was a tiny infant and didn't get my needs met at the right time and got disconnected from my own impulse. How does that knowing help me now? How can I NOW start again, gradually to dream, to want, to train this muscle of wanting, dreaming dreams so I can finally make this list, be convinced of it, and start to implement it.
Looks like the answer is in the question. Gradually....slowly with patience, with love, gently, like I would do with my babies...
I start again