|My Face Is Smiling, But I am Not|
This must have been one of the worst let downs in my life.
Oh yeah I've had plenty.
Lots of unrequited love.
Early crushes unspoken. A falling in love in my early years, 18 to be precise, that ended a year and a half later in desertion, and haunted me for years and years until that fateful meeting in Central Park just near Strawberry Fields, meeting him with his wife...
Men disappearing from my life.
Yet this last one hurts now, more than before, and what comes up is a sense of betrayal of trust that runs deeper. Maybe because of the process I'm going through, of opening up, of being more connected to my feelings than before, maybe because he helped me BE in the moment and also say what's going on for me. That split second of intimacy, that closeness, is what lingers for me. It was a moment of being seen and heard.
And then , the next day- cut. Gone.
I know it's not because of me. I know he has his issues. He didn't mean to hurt me. He's just answering his own needs. I know I set myself up from the start. Maybe my choice of partners is poor- some will say that it's my soul's journey, that there's a lot more unknown than known...
All of this may be true - it just hurts hurts so bad. And feels alone, probably more alone than I have ever felt and there has been a lot of alone-ness in my life.
How to heal? How to trust again?
Your thoughts are welcome.