Let Go

 One thing I've noticed while meditating. When I'm thinking -  I hold my body much more, it's a lot more tense, particularly in my shoulders. Suddenly , when I notice I'm thinking, I am able to direct my awareness to my shoulders...and let them drop, let them go. And then - I feel my thighs resting on the chair -  and I am IN my body for a few split seconds. Wow! It's like a revelation! To feel all the tension release, even for a moment, relax my breathing lengthen my spine...like I've often read  the Barefoot Doctor explain, (who BTW is ill, and we're sending him best wishes of a speedy recovery). And then a few seconds later...I'm in my head again.

The other day I was tense, worried. My 85 year old Mom decided she's driving to a local mall to meet a friend. Problem is she has dementia, still in very early stages , but it isn't getting better. She refused to have her live-in companion go with her. There was nothing I could do, except make sure she knows the way. Please call me when you get there, I asked. Of course, she didn't, she forgot. And she wasn't answering her cell, which was probably in her bag.

I'm pacing around, anxious, thinking of ways to reach her, calling the cafe' she's supposed to be at and suddenly my almost 11 year old son comes up and  says to me, Ima- you need to let go.

Let Go? How can I let go? Byron Katie often says: Can you let go when it's not available to you? Is that true that it's possible?

But he's right in a way. Maybe another word for it is trust. Trust the Universe  to keep this big ball we're on turning and moving us all in the direction we're supposed to...
I let go. I directed my attention to places I can actually DO something, like my work, even though I'm frustrated there, and no matter how many good tips I read from Jim's Marketing Blog, or read Seth's Blog or  watch all these amazing creative people on the net that I admire like Melissa Dwindle launch great ideas, I still seem to not BREAKTHOUGH.

Still, relatively, it's a place where I have some sense of control.

An hour later- my Mom called to say she's home...

So, How do you let go?

Looking Into Your Eyes

Looking into your eyes

I see the eternal
The child
The Innocence
the love, the vulnerability
the love, the pain
the pure , the joyful
the longing
to love
to be loved

Looking into your eyes
They are the eyes of everyone I meet
I see
In this world
In my life

I meet you everyday
I meet me in You
The eternal
The One
Some call it God

Thank you for reflecting
Everything
I need to know
To Learn
To be
Peace

To Rest

Today I'm resting. I'm going to pretend that I'm sick, because that was the only way I was allowed to stay at home when I was little, and well, now my inner parent is still keeping that up...

I'm going to stay in bed.
Have breakfast in bed, which I just made for myself
Read
Talk
Sleep, a lot
Rest

A few days ago, I was having a terrible morning.

We were late for school and my daughter was still standing in front of the mirror and brushing her hair. "Yasmin... let's go we're late.." Yes yes just a second"
 Finally, I blew up!
" I'm leaving!" I shout.
 Suddenly it's all fire inside , in my body. Like a terrible fire that is out of control..

We finally make it to school. Standing in the parking area, kissing and hugging her goodbye, because I do not want to part in an argument, I catch sight of a friend, I wave . She comes close : " How are you?" I smile: S-it I say.  So, why are you smiling? she asks. "It's my default" and tears come up. What is it? I make a movement with my hands like a huge mountain in front of me. " Everything's too big, huh?" I nod and fall into her big hug and burst into tears.

"Yael, you've go to rest," she continues. "You do so much. You don't stop, you must find some rest!"

Back home I reflect on how hurried I am in everything. Even eating. I eat a sandwich I can barely sit still, there's so much tension in my body...

Even meditation and yoga are a chore that must be done.

How to rest? How to find relaxation during the day when I find myself so rigid so tight?
Well, they say awareness is the beginning, and I find I have made progress in the last year and a half, yet still, there's a long way to go...

Would love to hear, how do you rest? How do people relax?

p.s. Last night I watched "Julie and Julia". The movie about the writer Julie Powell who got famous for writing a blog about the year she spent making every single recipe from Julia Child's " Mastering The Art of French Cooking". Great film, that also tells the story of two great ladies and their relationships and their passion, their creativity and one-mindedness but more than anything I was inspired by watching the special feature in the DVD about how the movie was made. I noticed that the two key figures that made this film, the producer and the director, were women, and I was inspired by that... a film about two women, by women, not to mention the great Meryl Streep.
And of course, there was a lot of love in all of it
 How empowering is that?

How to Heal?

My Face Is Smiling, But I am Not

 This must have been one of the worst let downs in my life.

Oh yeah I've had plenty.
Lots of unrequited love.
Early crushes unspoken. A falling in love in my early years, 18 to be precise, that ended a year and a half later in desertion, and haunted me for years and years until that fateful meeting in Central Park just near Strawberry Fields, meeting him with his wife...
Men disappearing from my life.

Yet this last one hurts now, more than before, and what comes up is a sense of betrayal of trust that runs deeper. Maybe because of the process I'm going through, of opening up, of being more connected to my feelings than before,  maybe because he helped me BE in the moment and also say what's going on for me. That split second of intimacy, that closeness, is what lingers for me. It was a moment of being seen and heard.

And then , the next day- cut. Gone.

I know it's not because of me. I know he has his issues. He didn't mean to hurt me. He's just answering his own needs. I know I set myself up from the start. Maybe my choice of partners is poor- some will say that it's my soul's journey, that there's a lot more unknown than known...

All of this may be true - it just hurts hurts so bad. And feels alone, probably more alone than I have ever felt and there has been a lot of alone-ness in my life.

How to heal? How to trust again?

Your thoughts are welcome.