Sunday, October 10, 2010
"Fixing a hole...fixing me"
"Life is not a problem, what we believe about life is the problem" Byron Katie
"I'm fixing a hole where the rain comes in, and stops my mind from wondering, where it will go...." Lennon- McCartney
Woke up at 5 am . Bad dream, a loud noise. And the instance I woke up- panic sets in. Couldn't get back to sleep. Lying there for half an hour paralyzed, and finally, I get up, go to the living room and do the only thing I know can help in these situations. Write.
(How is it that these moments give birth to writing? mmmmmm)
I sat and wrote three pages of all my suffering in that moment. All my fears , pain , judgments of myself. How I cannot move myself forward. Here I am , just past my 49th birthday, and what have I achieved? No steady stream of income, spending all the money I got from the sale of the apartment I owned, money only going out, not in...how I'm doing too much at the same time: studies, two businesses that are not taking off and on and on and on. I put it all down...and then did the The Work on the sentence:
"I should be making a living"...which ends with :
Who would I be, how would I be without the thought: " I should be earning a living" and I'm not?
Definitely less stressed.
Suddenly snapped out of the bad mood, did my Chi-qong/Yoga routine, then 15 minute meditation, summoned all my resources...and you know what? I had a fruitful day...checked things off my list.
Later, a seed I sowed half a year ago suddenly popped out of the ground... met a woman who may invite me to speak about Empathy in front of a group of English/Anglo Saxon women. I have a sale at the end of the week of my metalwork at a big event, and I am joining a co-op of crafts- women and artists, in a town adjacent to mine where I will be able to sell straight to the public with no go betweens... not to mention that a piece of mine is in a gallery in Paris! So really, objectively...things ARE moving and are definitely not static...so why the panic? Could it be a conversation I had yesterday in which a friend showed me in numbers how I am throwing money away by renting instead of buying an apartment? Maybe I was just ripe for some stress....
So it's 1030 pm...the day is coming to a close, kids in bed, I'm at the computer, a bunny rabbit hopping around the living room, rain falling outside, freshening up the air - all is well...
"And it really doesn't matter, if I'm wrong I'm right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong!"
Posted by Yael Brisker at Sunday, October 10, 2010