I just read this from Pema Chodron: (just looking at her sweet face makes me feel better...)
"In Buddhism we call the notion of a fixed identity “ego clinging.” It’s how we try to put solid ground under our feet in an ever-shifting world. Meditation practice starts to erode that fixed identity. As you sit, you begin to see yourself with more clarity, and you notice how attached you are to your opinions about yourself. Often the first blow to the fixed identity is precipitated by a crisis. When things fall apart in your life, you feel as if your whole world is crumbling. But actually it’s your fixed identity that’s crumbling. And as Chögyam Trungpa used to tell us, that’s cause for celebration."
It was perfectly timed for me, because this morning I woke up in a completely different mood, in direct opposition to how I felt yesterday - feeling panicky, disliking myself, with so much negative self talk... Obviously, these are the moments when it's hard to implement all the teachings, the meditation the Nonviolent Communication, Mindfulness , The Work, years of therapy - everything seems to crumble, as she puts it. If I would say the things I say to myself to someone else they would be out of here in a second!
A friend commented: Maybe that's just how you are- with moods swinging back and forth?
Suddenly a voice inside says, so what are you getting from all this? Just let yourself BE for heaven's sake. Maybe there is nowhere I HAVE to be or things I MUST achieve...let things BE as they are.
So I'm back to taking it, moment by moment - gently, somewhat more compassionately, with myself...