After listening to El at TruthPassionJoy.com I want to make a lis, a list of dreams, a list of things I want.
Why is it so hard for me?
The past couple of months have been so full of pain (physical too) and self-doubt, that everything I thought was true for me suddenly wasn't there anymore. My goal /dream of becoming a therapist, even believing in my ability to write, went down the drain, hence the long absence from this blog.
I experienced panic becoming the main feeling I was walking around with.
I have so many abilities.
I can sing
I can write
I can photograph
I can listen and empathize
I have fantastic hands, for making things and for soothing, people say my touch is great.
I love the internet and can use some of it's tools, though there is always more to learn...
I'm wonderful with babies and people...
But what about my list?
what about my dreams?
Well, what?
I want to FEEL the feeling of wanting with all my heart. Not what my parents or sibling wanted for me, not my children's wants, my own.
When was the last time I really WANTED, trying to find it somewhere in my life.
Does it have to be big? Can it be made of tiny wants? When I think about food for example, what kind do I love? Can I feel it coming from my belly? Food and wanting seem to go together...
And SO WHAT if I know (or speculate) that it started when I was a tiny infant and didn't get my needs met at the right time and got disconnected from my own impulse. How does that knowing help me now? How can I NOW start again, gradually to dream, to want, to train this muscle of wanting, dreaming dreams so I can finally make this list, be convinced of it, and start to implement it.
Looks like the answer is in the question. Gradually....slowly with patience, with love, gently, like I would do with my babies...
" Avert the evil eye with this this beautiful wall hanging Hamsa. Traditionally hung over doorways throughout the Middle East...it brings together all religions in their quest for well being! made of embossed brass, with turquoise patina and transparent finish." $60
I've been making this piece for a long time now...and haven't always felt good, mainly about how much I was asking for it.... mmmmmm what should I do? To do or not to do?
I'm writing or trying to write, but the truth is I'm still in pain, and this time it's a great physical pain, that I've been carrying for the past, oooh I don't know , four years?Just noticed i blogged about two posts ago...
I was told about 18 months ago that I have a a situation on my left shoulder called a calcification of the ligaments with muscles and that is causing me a lot of pain all the way up to my skull and down my arm.
I've tried all kinds of things: changing my diet for awhile, getting two steroid shots, which gave relief but are not a solution, medical yoga, osteopathy.
Pills, and good ol' denial.
Maybe if I pretend it's not there it will go away.
And there have been periods in which I've felt a whole lot better, and even for a few days wondered where it had disappeared to?
But lo, it came back and gotten much worse. So much so that I gave up Yoga...
The only thing I haven't done is have a talk with it.
Well I did ask once: what do you want to tell me? and heard a song, in Hebrew, actually a love song, that says: " Give me your hand , give me a place, in your world.."
Problem is, I didn't stay with it enough to REALLY HEAR. To go deeper.
Some people say, since we are all this one vibrating organism and are all essentially one, our body is no different. Some also say ( and I believe this) that the soul lives in the body, and that when something goes amiss, it means there is something WE are missing, and the soul is just letting us know.
Last week I came down with a bad flu, and sat down and wrote till some thing's became clearer. For example that I'm trying to do too much stuff at once.
Then the Universe cut down some stuff for me ( so I wouldn't have to choose)
And what now? Feeling kind of lost again
they say:
Stay with the experience. I don't know but I think that if I sit with this pain long enough and stop running around trying to ACHIEVE, then maybe I might be able to develop a real conversation, maybe I will hear something I haven't already, maybe some new direction in my life?
yawn
Time for bed, at least I can try and respect that simple wish, to go to sleep?
So how do you cope with pain? Do yo re-act and try to push it away? would love to hear
with love to all
Woke up with a paraphrase of Oprah's quote: "Cheers to a new day and another chance to make a fresh start"
And definitely, gratitude for that, and yet, I'm in pain. I have been living in pain for the last few years.
Since my separation basically. It's a pain in my shoulder, and though I had it checked, an ultra sound done, and did yoga for the last almost two years, it's still there, and getting worse! And added to that, lately my right hand - so stiff and painful I can barely work, write, cut vegetables, excruciating is the word.
My dentist's secretary says: " If you're nearing fifty and you don't feel pain, then you're dead!" Well happy as I am to be alive, must I live in pain?
In my meditation this morning, I realize, I am barely breathing! And my body is frozen. The image that comes up is one of a massive Egyptian sculpture, one of those kings sitting frozen on their thrones. I try to soften it, turn it into flesh and bones, like Pinocchio coming to life , but no, that doesn't work, it just seems to make it worse.
And the question that comes up for me is, why I am continuing this? Why am I allowing myself to live in pain? I feel totally dry, brittle , almost.
M greatest sense is that this is the year I need to STOP, make some priorities, and mainly, put myself first...
So how do you, who are hopefully still reading this from time to time, stop?
And I'm layin' it out here folks, like it happened.
Some may say I'm taking the leap into vulnerability?
Started last Thursday with a serious faux pas as the French say, when I made a very blunt remark on a partner's work. I felt enraged, couldn't contain it, and/or downsize it. I can't explain the scope of feeling that came up, when I saw work I didn't like. Still trying to understand my explosion. I felt awful, as a result.
Then another meeting that ended badly (not straight away but nevertheless) with aa man I had been in a relationship with for the past half a year. A place where I had given trust time and time again and had been betrayed- but still came back for more. Some will call it masochism, I don't know what or why, just trying my best to lick my wounds and carry on with a little more self awareness, and hopefully, compassion for both of us.
But the truth is - I'm angry, and I want revenge. I felt very vengeful...seeing all kinds of movies in my head where I go to the man's wife and hand her a letter with a print out of all our e-mails from the past half a year. Truthfully, just thinking about it made me feel bad, physically and I decided no good would come of it. And still those thoughts came popping back into my head! Ahhhhhhh.
Felt very very down all through the week. Somewhere I read that Mercury was regressing and that's why there was bad communication going on for many of us. Still , that was no solace.
From all this heavy thinking and less doing I finally, on Friday, gave myself a "real" reason to feel bad in the form of a major bump on the head I got while cleaning the house, exactly 2 milimeters from my third eye, right in the middle of my forhead for all to see. Luckily with the help of Arnica it doesn't look like a bruise but it's swollen and hurts REAL BAD.
To top it all off, my Mom got it ill in the middle of a nice lunch we were invited to yesterday, in a beautiful garden, on a sunny day, which was supposed to be a tranquil moment for me. So much for that. We ended up calling an ambulance because all the blood drained from her face and she couldn't stand up, after all, she's nearing 85.
I can tell you, I was scared, particularly after attending an old friend's funeral that same week...
I know how fragile life is - I know we could all go in any given moment- andI know his passingaffected her, I know she's scared and so am I - scared to lose - if we do lose- the person who has been closest and around all these years, my Mom.
Must leave you with something hopefull, interesting , thought provoking and touching I watched this week from Brene Brown, who researches vulnerability and the way we numb ourselves in our society, the Western Society.( Why must I ? I suddenly ask myself...so that you will love me, or that I will think I'll be useful to you in some way, except for sharing my misery?)
