Love Is The Fertilizer

In my Meditation this morning I felt, as I feel very often, this big pain in my forehead, the place where all the thinking goes on. So I looked at it. I heard myself say, go go get out! And then saw an image of little me and this huge black something, with no specific shape.  Little me is trying her hardest to push it out. Tremendous, strenuous effort, and it ain't budging.

And then I remembered the teachings, of greeting those thoughts, those pains, as one would greet a guest.  We would receive them in a nice way, offer them some refreshment, and we know, they're here now, and they're leaving, eventually. And I also remembered , that Love is the best fertilizer, the best   "force" one can use. So I started caressing that big thing, and poof, like in a cartoon, it was gone.

How can I bring that love into all areas of my life? Clearly, I can do it when I feel energized, relaxed happy, well, happy-ish, but- what happens when I'm depleted, tired, feeling lonely and just wishing for some relief?
Where and from what can I get renewed? I meditate, yes, I do some exercise in the morning, I write, and these things are beneficial, and yet-

Something's lacking.

The other day I saw a fantastic film, called : "My Afternoon's With Margueritte" , a French film starring Gerard Depardieu. It's a moving, inspiring movie about a man who all his life has been the village idiot, suffering endless laughter and scorn from his surroundings and his single mother. But he's a big guy with a big heart, and has a beautiful young girlfriend who sees the beauty in him, an amazing vegetable garden that he lives off and sells produce from - and one day he meets a 95 year old lady in the village square - and this meeting transforms him...or rather, reveals to him, how special he is. She's a  former scientist that loves to read - and so their meetings go, she reads, he listens. She points out what a great reader he is. To which he answers : What do you mean? I can't read! She answers , you LISTEN so well and that is just as good.

I won't tell you the rest.... but I will say that it is a movie that brings back faith in each of our individual uniqueness- how we all have our own style of growing, learning and loving. And the message is yes, that Love is the best fertilizer there is, the only power that can move even the blackest and darkest moments.

I wept at the end, literally. Go see it

Consistent, Linear....Or?

 leaf illustration

 
It's been over ten days since I posted on this blog.. I read somewhere: Don't give excuses , be responsible.

Woke up with the word : Consistency in my head.
Saying to myself, look: You've never been consistent with anything! You lack discipline, you lack routine you lack consistency! Perhaps I'm being harsh with myself?

So looked it up in the Merriam Webster dictionary:

1. Firmness or constitution of character: persistency
2. Agreement or harmony of parts or features to one another or a whole : correspondence; specifically : ability to be asserted together without contradiction

Ha!

My experience of myself is that I am always in contradiction with myself, never in harmony or agreement,  and that I lack firmness. Well, there you go.

Saying to myself, look: You've never been consistent with anything! You lack discipline, you lack routine you lack consistency! Perhaps I'm being harsh with myself? (THAT I'm consistent with, by the way  (-: )

Except in my Motherhood, at least when they were young, I was consistent in my parenting beliefs. And I'm consistent as a mother - as if there's a choice. I'm consistent as a seeker, as a person who looks inward and continuously strives to be  a better person.

What  does it really mean to me?

Lately, being with myself, in the process of creating my last piece, I had the opportunity to look, to notice more , non-judgmentally. I noticed I work in circles, or rather spirals...it was so clear...and it was  something I got validation for from reading how other people work. And, God knows, life isn't linear, the universe isn't linear...is it?

Why should I be? 

Looked up that word too...I give it to you here:
 
 (1) : of, relating to, resembling, or having a graph that is a line and especially a straight line : straight (2) : involving a single dimension b (1) : of the first degree with respect to one or more variables (2) : of, relating to, based on, or being linear equations, linear differential equations, linear functions, linear transformations, or linear algebra c (1) : characterized by an emphasis on line (2) : composed of simply drawn lines with little attempt at pictorial representation d : consisting of a straight chain of atoms
2: elongated with nearly parallel sides — see leaf illustration (I give it to you above)
3: having or being a response or output that is directly proportional to the input
4: of, relating to, or based or depending on sequential development
What I found funny was that the first known use of the word was circa 1656. Funny, no? And the leaf illustration! Wow! Last thing I would think about leaves is that they are linear!
And maybe more interesting or meaningful to me was that in both definitions, there is no mention of Time... these words and how they relate to time.

 Anyway I'm rambling...the day is moving along and I better start moving with it...a house to be cleaned, and the rest of my life to be lived, whether in spirals, lines, consistent or in-consistently!

"Fixing a hole...fixing me"

 "Life is not a problem, what we believe about life is the problem" Byron Katie

 "I'm fixing a hole where the rain comes in, and stops my mind from wondering, where it will go...." Lennon- McCartney

Woke up at 5 am . Bad dream, a loud noise. And the instance I woke up- panic sets in. Couldn't get back to sleep. Lying there for half an hour paralyzed, and finally, I get up, go to the living room and do the only thing I know can help in these situations. Write.

(How is it that these moments give birth to writing? mmmmmm)

I sat and wrote three pages of all my suffering in that moment. All my fears , pain , judgments of myself. How I cannot move myself forward. Here I am , just past my 49th birthday, and what have I achieved? No steady stream of income, spending all the money I got from the sale of the apartment I owned, money only going out, not in...how I'm doing too much at the same time: studies, two businesses that are not taking off and on and on and on. I put it all down...and then did the The Work on the sentence:

"I should be making a living"...which ends with :

Who would I be, how would I be without the thought: " I should be earning a living" and I'm not?

Definitely less stressed.

Suddenly snapped out of the bad mood, did my Chi-qong/Yoga routine, then 15 minute meditation,  summoned all my resources...and you know what? I had a fruitful day...checked things off my list.

 Later, a seed I sowed half a year ago suddenly popped out of the ground... met a woman who may invite me to speak about Empathy in front of a group of English/Anglo Saxon women.  I have a sale at the end of the week of my metalwork at a big event,  and I am joining a co-op of crafts- women and artists, in a town adjacent to mine where I will be able to sell straight to the public with no go betweens... not to mention that a piece of mine is in a gallery in Paris! So really, objectively...things ARE moving and are definitely not static...so why the panic? Could it be a conversation I had yesterday in which a friend showed me in numbers how I am throwing money away by renting instead of buying an apartment? Maybe I was just ripe for some stress....

So it's 1030 pm...the day is coming to a close, kids in bed, I'm at the computer, a bunny rabbit hopping around the living room, rain falling outside, freshening up the air - all is well...

"And it really doesn't matter, if I'm wrong I'm right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong!"
Lennon- McCartney

Wisdom From My Personal Guru

"No Chains Around My Feet, But I'm Not Free"

my latest piece for the Paris show, paper metal wire, plaster and fabric will post another shot soon

My son Tom stayed at home the other day.

I saw he was having trouble getting up, he looked very tired and I decided to give him the day off from school. Anyway, you know I don't think school is SO important...

So we're together in the living room, he's lying on the sofa and reading, I'm papier-mache-ing... something I've started doing more and more lately as part of my work.

He yawns

"You're tired, eh?" - I ask.
"Yes Mom, why are adults more tired than kids?"
"Well I guess it's because we have so much stuff ( I make a gesture with my hand- towards my head) up here."
"And kids?"
"Your job is just to have fun and enjoy life."

Silence

Tom smiles, we look at each other and begin to laugh...well duh! It's adults' job too!

Guess I kinda lost that....

The Non-Gratitude Mandala!

for a closer and bigger look

I've been busy the last ten days
Busy Creating

I challenged myself
Instead of going to a meditation retreat (paid for by my dear brother as a birthday present)
I chose to stay at home and finish a piece for a group show of Israeli women in Paris
A piece I was not sure I could and would make

I discovered a lot about myself in these few days
How much I love Art, for example
How I can be moved and excited by it. How excited I am to read about lives of Artists
How much I love Dialogue with other people in and during my process of creation
How I can FIND these amazing people in my life

I found out how loved I am

For four days I was alone and didn't leave the house.
Kids were at their Dad's. so I was alone (except for the bunnies)
I could move , suddenly, according to my own pace
My own Rhythm, finding it
Going from watercolors to sketching to papier mache-ing
Listening to my favourite music (My Fair Lady...amongst others)
Reminding my- Self of my favourites - singing out loud
Dancing
Happy
Excited
And I created, and I had visions of more creations

Thinking of the relationship between suffering and creating
Looking at my own
At others

This morning I got up happy, well, relatively (-:
Felt like making a Gratitude Mandala
To Thank everyone and everything in my life

And then a text message that brought up old anger again

I'm still grateful - or beginning to be again
Apparently, what needs to come up, does

Fortunately, I have my colors, my words my hands as  direct expressions
Channels for this Anger energy

Off to continue this Journey
Thanks to all of you reading this!

Deception and Living Life

 From Lynda Hill's website

Enjoy the journey and give birth to self-love, self-worth and divine creativity. Let go of the past and emerge into life and love.

The day  started out really bad.

I barely slept and awoke at 430 am.

On my way to the big city

A call in the car

Heavy conversation

In Heavy traffic.

A panic attack while driving on the highway

Breathing...you must not lose it...you must not lose it...

Therapy

Almost threw up, wish I had, why didn't I? Fear

Throw up, the

Anger

Mistrust

The deception

Yeah, he was deceiving me, but worse

I was deceiving myself

Everything happens for a reason they say

Driving home

After major crying session

I stop at a friend's

To get a hug

Love

Lying in her garden

Smelling the trees, the grass, talking with some pets (a gorgeous cat)

Calming

Grounding

Connecting

Dialogue about my art

Slowly  getting inspired, I have resources!

Energy lifting...

Children from school

Lunch

Nap

Some creative work with my daughter...still tired, slow,  but moving, moving

Almost giving up the idea of going to Yoga

And then a telephone

I'm on my feet, drop kids off at guitar and horseback riding classes

Yoga, wow I'm so glad I went

Pizza for dinner!

(just to hear kids shout YAY! at the top of their lungs makes life worth living!)

And it is

Life is worth living

And as someone put it, can't remember who

Life IS for the living

And I'm alive and moving

And creating

And all is well

Inner Ground

I'm in pain

a lot of it

and I can't seem to understand

or get around it or go through it.

I see Gabriella Hoppe  my teacher putting her hand on her shoulder, just to show that I can just

Put it there. Softly, warmly, in a supportive, gentle, accepting way

And yet I

Still push myself into it, fight it

Try and take it away

And what's with my lower back?Haven't heard from it since I was going through a crisis in 96'

When my beloved Jessie, my dog, died and we didn't have our own space to live in and there were problems getting pregnant.

Suddenly my back has come back! To tell me what?

All the intersections in my body are screaming...something, my knees, particularly the right

Can I have a pain-less day?

And tired , no energy...aagh!

And yesterday I observed and discovered suddenly the way I am

As one coach put it , circular- (and that's ok)

It was such a different day!

Got up

Meditated

Wrote in my notebook

Typed a post on my blog

Cleaned the house

Shopped

Had a last glance at my book on Greek Gold that I gave to my friend

Back home, rested

Received the kids

Cooked

Read the chapter on Inner Ground of Lifestreams by David Boadella , founder of the pschosomatic therapy known as Biosynthesis I am studying

Helped the kids with their bikes to go riding on the carless streets in Yom Kippur

Watched Elizabeth Gilbert on TED

Watched an amazing film called "Racing Daylight" from the Spiritual Circle Cinema

And a short doc on a lady called Jenny Funkmeyer

Got inspired and went to work on my art!

Creating this:

 Inner Ground

And in closing the day, wrote three things I am grateful for:
My kids my loves
Being given a second and third chance
Cornflakes, I just love them!

So why the low energy today? Maybe I can just accept it instead of fighting it?
Maybe because it started so differently, looking outward instead of inward?
Or simply because it was a difficult night?

Peace...can someone bring it on?