When we keep repeating ourselves over and over...

Remember those record's from the old days? And those grooves the needle would get caught in whenever there was the slightest scratch - and which, until we would gently lift it would just repeat the same music over and over? That was really annoying, right?

So, today, we don't use those records anymore but our habits, particularly of repeating ourselves over and over, reacting in the same automatic ways and wanting to be "right"; These habits are, how shall I put it, lagging behind technology? 

Do these re-actions bring us any closer to getting our deeper needs met? Probably not.

So how do we gently "lift the needle"?

For me, it means creating a little gap that enables me to choose how I want to respond instead of just shooting whatever comes to mind. My Dad, may he rest in peace, used to say: whenever you find yourself getting angry, go drink a glass of cold water. ( I'm wondering how often he used his own advice...). Sometimes, when situations arise I am able to take an in-breath and out breath, release stress and ask myself, what am I feeling? What do I need? And sometimes, particularly in the family, I notice, it doesn't happen, and I find myself stuck in that ol' groove. In which case I try to remember to be kind to myself, and remember that, as Marshall Rosenberg puts it (roughly): In the family, where our feelings and needs are strongest -  is the place where it is hardest to change those habits which we know don't serve us anymore. And here is where we need to be as compassionate as we can to ourselves...

So how do you create the gap, and move ahead with compassion? I'd love to hear your remarks.

"I Was a Free Man in Paris"

Been Back from Paris for a week now, and it seems like a Dream. What Can I take from this all too short visit? Mostly the memory the feeling , of how it felt to feel free...roaming, wandering, not having to answer to anyone or be anywhere or have responsibility for anything except for experiencing and enjoying life. The feeling of my heart expanding and breathing.

Aaaahhhhhhhhhh.........

When your child blocks her ears and says: Don't talk!

I was chatting with a close friend of mine on the web today. We both have twins aged ten, a boy and a girl...this a transcript of our conversation which can teach two things: first how being in Empathy with my friend simultaneously gave her some relief and opened her up to hear my point of view, and also,  gave a little strategy with what to do, when your child just doesn't want to hear you talk:

 

Friend: I fear that my daughter  will be a handful as she grows.

 

Me: Why a handful? Is she acting in a 'cheeky' kind of manner?

 

Friend: Maya is very closed. She never wants to discuss her feelings and she doesn't want to hear about my feelings either! She freaks out when I do and just pushes me away!

 

Me:  Leaving you at loss at what to do? And wishing you could connect more easily?

 

Friend:  I mean if I tell her about my feelings, like lets say she has done or said something and I want to tell her that it hurt my feelings and I feel such and such a way, she will hide under the blankets and block her ears and push me away and say stop .

  

Me: Want my guess?

 

Friend :  yes!

 

Me:  I think when kids do that they must  be hearing our message as blameful...so I say to them

does it sound like I'm blaming you? And they or he or she says YES!

 

Friend: O.k. and then what?

  

Me: That's a starting point;  Sometimes not much more is needed, to calm first.

 

Friend:  ok. I see.

 

Me:  It's an ongoing process... I can then say: ok, I understand, well let me see how I can put this differently... but sometimes just that little tiny acknowledgment really turns around the situation. Sometimes I'll say: well I notice you really don't want to hear me now....right?

 

Friend:  ..But she really doesn't want to hear me now!  and not later either!

 

Me:  You know what I noticed lately? You know how when you are frantically looking for something and it never turns up? and then you just let go....and presto, there it is? Sometimes we just need to LET GO.

 

Friend:  That's true. I understand about letting up and then things fixing themselves.

 

Me:  I am sure you want a connection with your child that includes being able to talk with one another

and I support that totally

 

Friend:  of course.

 

Me:  Leave her , let her be, let her come to you...she will I promise you. Meanwhile use the time for introspection, continue learning and and check to see , am I blaming her? Not to blame yourself! Just look at it, and see how you can put it  or do it differently.

 

Friend:  And if u r in a way blaming her?

 

Me :  Check with yourself : what am I needing? What am I lacking here?

 

Jeannie:  I get it.

 

Me: From the Nonviolent Communication perspective, the only reason that anyone EVER blames, shouts , hurts etc, is because there is some unfullfilled need in side of YOURSELF. And to look at with compassion, not more blame have some mercy for your sweet self, you deserve it.

 

Friend:  I know

 

Me:  I believe we are doing the best we can; As one of the teachers I love says: We are doing the BEST we can, with the awareness we have right now, so give yourself some love baby

 

Friend: That's true.

 

Me: Our kids can not and I don't think Should not, fill our needs mainly, they just CAN'T, they're still struggling with their own needs, they're still growing up. My experience is that it just doesn't help to put blame on them and believe me, I do it too, everyday...

 

Friend: Lol

 

Me:  Great, glad I put a smile on your face

 

A little more food for thought and consideration. Talking is one way to meet the need for CONNECTION, that we mentioned that my friend, and every parent I work with, wants with their child. Once we have recognized that need, we can now think of other ways to meet that need. Sometimes offering to play with your child, which children of any age love doing, can create it, or simply saying: "Can I have a hug?" - never met a kid , unless in extreme situations, who won't respond to that.

 

Remember: Give yourself time.

Rome wasn't built in a day!

Systems and Structures- why they're good for you (as I'm finding out)

Recently, well, half a year ago,( but that's pretty recent, ain't it?), I did a business course with Mark Silver of Heart of Business. Six classes that were illuminating, and inspiring and almost every superlative I can think of. I really love Mark's approach and I have been following him for over two years, and that's before I joined twitter! I know I gained alot from it even though, to be honest, my business is not taking off yet and I have still so much to implement from that course alone.

Well truth is I'm kind of ashamed to say that I didn't even listen completely to the last lesson, entitled: " Structures and Systems". Only now I am beginning to understand why.One of the hardest things for me to do is to create a structure for myself in my life. It's like I am rebeling against it. Somehow, it's always gotta be something from the outside that does it for me. Maybe, yes, there is a slight chance I am being a little hard on myself, but I have a theory why it's so hard to create a structure for me to work in - and it's connected to schooling. I won't get into it now, but I am finding that creating a structure, a routine, gives me alot more freedom and more importantly, a sense of comfort and much less stress.

I wonder what it's like for you? What methods do you use to create structure and a routine in your lives that isn't imposed from the outside?

Pregnant Waiting

 I am a student of Biosynthesis a body oriented psychotherapy, and I also teach a process known as Nonviolent Communication, focusing particularly in my work on how to give and receive Empathy. Both systems put an emphasis on not "knowing " the answer for the person you're working with... who is sharing an experience or pain of some kind. It's having the capacity to wait, "pregnant waiting" and let things unfold, let things come up by themselves, and not jump in with my own insights  or musings, or worse, knowledge. How hard is that? Just to wait...

Can I apply this wisdom into my own life, and not be stressed to come up with an answer for it?

What's your experience?

This post was inspired by : "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D a heartfelt and touching account of her work and life as a doctor....well recommended.

I'm getting up! I'm getting up!

It's Passover tonight. That means spring cleaning, that means I have to get out of bed and actually START somewhere. Woke up at 5 am first time, whew, I still have time I say to myself, plus the fact that they moved the clock, it's actually 4 am. Relief. 7 am I open my eyes again, well there's no school today the kids don't have to get up - that gives me another half hour, right? 730 mind's racing, thoughts streaming in seeing myself getting up cleaning here, there, shopping for some food, words formulating - ideas for blog posts , like "Last Minute Girl...that's what I am". some Byron Katie, I should make a list of things to do - is that true ? Not to mention my e-mail contact list which I decided needs some organizing

Where do I begin? not exactly the same content- but songs always pop into my head somehow (-:

Finally it's the bunny rabbits letting me know they're hungry that get me out of bed, and things begin to happen on there own, like they always will I guess... you know what I mean?

Happy Easter and Passover to one and all!

What happens when you don't know?

I don't know what to call this post and I don't know how to define myself.
What happens when you don't know?
Somewhere some- where in cyberspace I read that it's good to give things space...it's like I've noticed that when I'm frantically looking for something it never turns up. But if I take a little breath and say: give it some space, within minutes I see it. So maybe this little teeny bit of wisdom can be applied to the rest of my life?

Usually when sitting at a coffee shop I either read or write ( in my notebook it has to be said...handwriting does it for me). Today I sat in the sun, and did nothing, well I tried to write, found I didn't have a pen -  asked the waitress for one, it didn't work and then a voice inside said : leave it, just be.
Scared I have to say , fear comes in when I'm thinking I HAVE to do something.And I'm frantically running around ...no results there. So now I'll try some space ...and now here I am, and we'll see what comes up,  somethin's gotta.