Open Heart Project

Haven't updated this blog in what seems like such a long time...

can't seem to think why, really. 

What have I been busy doing?

Amongst other things joining The Open Heart Project with the most wonderful Susan Piver, a writer and Buddhist Meditation teacher. She has inspired me to come back to meditation practice, and she does so in a way that, wow, how shall I put it, is so practical, down to earth, REAL, accessible that connects with so many issues I, and many others it turns out, face. The stresses of daily life and how to deal with them, our worthiness, and basic goodness. Things I know I need daily reminders of. 

So on a twice weekly basis I receive into my inbox a 10 minute video of Susan guiding meditation, preceded with a small talk, presenting issues of relevance to the practice. There is something so comforting for me to know they are coming. I love her voice and sense of humor, but above all, her HUMUN-ness.

What has it given me so far? A sense of space, a little more focus, and a little, and I say this with great care.. a little more tolerance of myself!

I could go on and on - instead - I recommend you try her out and see what it does for your life.

Susan Piver

infinity

infinity, a photo by Yael Brisker Fine MetalWork on Flickr.

my new logo....drawn by me...

The Power of Loving Presence - A Firsthand Experience

Yesterday I had the honor of hosting my new friend Lydia Hayman of Goodness Greatness Me at my studio-

We had met previously only on Facebook, where we both belong to a business sharing group. Somehow, when she walked in the door, I felt I had known her for years- and almost hugged her straight away (turns out later she felt the same way!)

I had invited her to my studio because I wanted to get to know her and have a chance to show her my Metal creations for real.. to see, feel and get a real sense of them.

We sat and talked - she told me of her path up too this point, and I did as well.

Lydia is a life coach with a background as a successful English teacher, coaching/teaching hundreds of kids over the years. She is a warm loving person- there was something about her presence that felt safe and trustworthy.

 I had been walking around with a lump in my throat and heart for a few days and at one point, while telling her my story- tears welled up, and in her empathic presence, they were able to flow out. Suddenly my whole body posture changed - I felt my spirit lifting- and a sense of relief. As a result, all kinds of ideas on how to leverage myself came up, spontaneously on there own.

I am a great believer in Empathy - that certain quality of presence - that undivided, loving, not-trying-to-fix- things-for-you attention- which plays a powerful, if not THE most powerful, part in healing.

Meeting her was great and I highly recommend her to anyone seeking to work through her emotional relationship with herself. She'll be offering a a small group workshop soon -I know I'll be there - I can't wait to be in her presence again!

I am happy to say she also bought this Hamsa which gives a quality of protection and beauty to any space. Thank you Lydia!

What If?

Photo Credit Elizabeth Bunsen
elizabethbunsen.tyepad.com

What if

What if I didn't have to work

Think about

Survival

About money

Every Morning

Especially those 4 ams

And especially workdays

Waking up

Worrying

Thinking of my long 

To Do's

Some of which

never get done

Like-

the essay  I need to write to receive my certificate

As a therapist 

What if

I could wake up happy

Knowing 

All is Well

Free

To create

Free to just BE

What would it feel like?

Freedom

Space

Contentment

Purpose

Help

Thinking again- How can I help?

How can I utilize my gifts, my goodness

to help others

And

Make enough to sustain myself and the kids...

And some

To feel that freedom?

Ease,

Contentment

Fulfillment

Words that I haven\t yet 

Felt

What's holding me back?

An absolute MUST SEE to anyone who is interested in compassion and empathy and connection...



I'd love to hear how it touched YOU

With Love Yael

Cause for celebration?

I just read this from Pema Chodron: (just looking at her sweet face makes me feel better...)

"In Buddhism we call the notion of a fixed identity “ego clinging.” It’s how we try to put solid ground under our feet in an ever-shifting world. Meditation practice starts to erode that fixed identity. As you sit, you begin to see yourself with more clarity, and you notice how attached you are to your opinions about yourself. Often the first blow to the fixed identity is precipitated by a crisis. When things fall apart in your life, you feel as if your whole world is crumbling. But actually it’s your fixed identity that’s crumbling. And as Chögyam Trungpa used to tell us, that’s cause for celebration."

It was perfectly timed for me, because this morning I woke up in a completely different mood, in direct opposition to how I felt yesterday - feeling panicky, disliking myself, with so much negative self talk... Obviously, these are the moments when it's hard to implement all the teachings, the meditation the Nonviolent Communication, Mindfulness , The Work, years of therapy - everything seems to crumble, as she puts it. If I would say the things I say to myself to someone else they would be out of here in a second!

 A friend commented: Maybe that's just how you are- with moods swinging back and forth?

Suddenly a voice inside says, so what are you getting from all this? Just let yourself BE for heaven's sake. Maybe there is nowhere I HAVE to be or things I MUST achieve...let things BE as they are. 

So I'm back to taking it, moment by moment - gently, somewhat more compassionately, with myself...

An Eye for an Eye...

Yesterday I got a call from a mother of one of my son's classmates. She told me that my son Tom had verbally insulted her son and had made derogatory comments about his parents, their home, and him. 

She was hurt particularly because they had always welcomed him into their home and he had spent a good few hours there. Though she did acknowledge that her son is not exactly an angel, I sensed that she was taking it personally.

I listened quietly, thanked her for telling me and promised I would talk to him.

"What happened?" I asked.

" He and I are always fighting" he answered "but this time I really got upset because he called my sister fat, and if someone insults my family, I'll let him have it!"

" So you really got upset, didn't you?" 

"Yes".

And then Mahatma Ghandi came to mind.

" Do you know what 'an eye for an eye' means?" He had never heard of it, well he's barely thirteen...

Supposedly somewhere in the Bible it is said that if someone hurts you, you must return in the same manner. I explained to Tom that this strategy has left many people dead and suffering throughout history.

 As Mahatma Ghandi put it: " An eye for an eye keeps the whole world blind"

I said, " Just because he said awful things to you, doesn't mean that you have to stoop down to his level. After all, why do people do things like that? He must have been bored, or wanting attention - and it's sad that he has to behave that way"

"So what could I do?" 

" Just walk away..."

I could see that he was beginning to get it and I left the matter. It leaves me wondering where he got the notion that he has to "get back at him?"

On the eve of the Jewish New Year I pray that all human beings and animals will live in Peace on this planet, and find different strategies to fill their needs.

Empathy - why didn't I think of it first?

Hands Offer by Elizabeth Bunsen (with permission)

Two sentences of Empathy make a difference

My daughter was upset. She was about to go to an amusement park with friends, as part of the annual beginning of the school year treat. Suddenly she realized that I'm not joining..
"What?" she exclaimed - " I need you! I need a parent!"
I said  "Yasmin! Why? You're almost thirteen and you are going with people you know and it's a closed event- what's the problem?"
"But I need you!"
"I don't think any other parents are coming and what will I do there for so many hours? None of the other kids are dragging their parents along..."
"Well I'm not the other kids!" ( I love when she says that- so true)

Tones started rising high...
"I need you Mama!"
" I didn't get a ticket because I was sure you wouldn't want me there!"
"What if something happens ?!"

And so on and so forth for a few moments. I'm at a loss and frantically begin thinking of solutions...

And then I remembered Empathy. After all, I'm teaching it...

I said: " You just really want to feel safe, don't you?"
"I guess..."
"And you'd feel much more assured if I was there"
"Yes"

And that was all I said.

A few minutes later
" Mom, that's OK, you don't need to come, I'll be fine."

So simple- why didn't I think of it first?

Not as a way to get things "over with" or manipulate a situation
Just a simple offering of understanding...

Ripe For Peace

The day before yesterday I returned from another Nonviolent Communication Camp In the Judean desert, devoted to bringing together and bridging between Israeli, Palestinan and International women and teenage girls. My role was to facilitate the youngsters group.

This gathering was much smaller - which made for more intimate connection between all of us.

What was also different for me was that this time my daughter Yasmin, aged 12, joined. I was anxious to see how she would manage, how she would "survive" without her laptop, and if in general she would be able to connect with the other girls.  There were two other Jewish girls and three 14 year old Palestinian girls from East Jerusalem, from the American School. It was pure fun and inspiring to see just how quickly and naturally they all made contact.

And how did they do this? Through music, international music...namely Adele! They stood there , the six of them, and Sang "Rolling in the Deep" at the top of their lungs in the middle of the desert! My only regret is that I wasn't quick enough to film it...it was soooooo beautiful! 

Once they had made that connection...they were off! Chatting about Facebook, music, school, Ipads - what they like to eat, etcetera. Of course, because these were all girls, who are fortunate to be able to speak fluent English, the bridge wasn't that hard to build. 

There were two  poignant and touching moments, for me. One was when we are all of us, sitting in a circle- introducing who we are and why we came to the gathering. An Israeli woman told us that she had lost her eldest son in the Second Lebanon War. She said: " I came here because I don't want to see anymore mother's  suffer, I want war to end, this madness to end, I believe there is only way- that we will talk to each other, meet each other - "   we all wept. 

Immediately after her a young woman from Bethlehem said: " Why do we need all these identities? Palestinian, Israeli, religious, secular - can't we just all accept that we are all the same?

The other moment was when my daughter sat with one of the Arab girls and said: " I must admit, that until today, the only thing I ever knew of Palestinians was from what I saw on TV watching the news with my grandmother, and it never looked good. And here we are, I see you are exactly like me!"

I believe deep in my heart that the ONLY level on which lasting peace can be made is on the level of meetings, one-on-one. This may take time, but maybe not as long as some may think. I think the world is ripe for a change, is evolving in this direction, and the powers that drag us into war are losing their hold on people.

 In the words of Yoko Ono Lennon: "A dream you dream alone is just a dream- a dream you dream together is a reality"

May all beings live in Peace - may all beings be Happy.

10 Things I know to be True. Right Now

Tom Yasmin and I in 2007

Inspired by Sarah Kay

 I love my kids.

 Kids are teachers.

 War is a reality.

 So is Peace.

 Bananas taste good.

 My feet ache.

 Loving myself makes me happy.

 Hating myself makes me learn.

 Growing up sucks.

 Even when I'm tired, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna go to sleep!" and regret it the next morning.

What are the ten things YOU know to be true? 

No Man (or Woman) is An Island

I am off to a retreat tomorrow of Israeli Palestinian and international women outside of Jericho, to learn and practice together the model known as Nonviolent Communication.  This is actually the ground in which I have been gestating in and am beginning to sprout from, these last almost 10 years. I teach NVC (short for nonviolent communication) and yes, Empathy is the heart of this model.

You can read more online on www.cnvc.org but basically what we are encouraging and inspiring people to, is a shift to a feelings and needs based communication, rather than what we were educated (most of us) on: communication from the head, judgments analysis, interpretations and getting people to do what we want from a place of shame/guilt/fear of punishment.

Practicing Empathy helps us, no matter what the other person is saying, to listen to what’s in his/her heart. This requires a presence, a silencing (temporarily) of what’s going on in us, in order to create a space for the other. When a person feels heard and understood what often happens is that they come to a solution for their problem and they develop a deeper understanding and awareness of themselves.

Also, when a person has had a chance to be heard - he or she is now more open to hearing and responding to what is going on in us. And then a dialogue begins. A deeper connection is created. As Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC puts it. “When there exists a certain quality of connection, the solutions find us” (and not the other way around.(-:). So it’s an energetic opening, perhaps a spiritual one, grounded in a compassionate relationship.

Connection, conection, connection. Is there a being on this planet, who doesn’t yearn for it?

As the 16th century poet, John Donne put it: “ No man is an island”

I invite you to learn NVC, for more connection and a more empathic and peaceful world.

I offer one on one trainings and single consultations, presentations and workshops for groups.
I can be contacted at yael.brisker@ gmail.com or on Twitter - @yaelbrisker and on Facebook where I have a  page devoted to Empathy called  Empathic Connections

With Love

A reason for being

Just came back from giving a presentation on Nonviolent Communication. Feeling high and happy, and as one friend put it "nourished" for the next couple of days at least!

One woman's feedback was, I can see and feel how important it is for you to pass this on...

And indeed, I feel so passionate about it. Maybe because I am, like a friend in England once said :"Just an old Hippy" ( I was 24 at the time)...which I guess means I am a product of the 60's - growing up in the States in those years must have had a an effect on me.

Or is it the fact that Marshall Rosenberg, the man who formulated Nonviolent Communication, got his Doctorate in 1961 , the year I was born?

In any case- I feel this is my raison d'etre, as the French say, my reason for being. This year, is going to be the year where I will give as many presentations and workshops as I possibly can . I feel my breakthrough is near...

Time to go to sleep...sweet sleep

Lessons learned from my pets

I have two bunny rabbits and a German Shepherd puppy who is 8 months old. Since they've been in my life I've had the opportunity to learn a lot from them. Like everyone else, they are a mirror of where I am now.

Here are the lessons:

1. Change comes slow, habits take time to integrate: When I wanted to move the rabbits toilet box I noticed that if I move it in one swoop, even if it's 30 centimeters (about a foot's length) away, it just won't work. They'll keep on going to the same spot. But if I move it a fraction of an inch every day, then little by little, they adjust. Same goes for us, little by little...

2. Be patient. This I learned from my bunnies and dog, and relates to the lesson above. If you want to teach a new trick, or understand what's going on, take your time, observe, reflect and then make a move. So be patient, with yourselves and others.

3. Out of that comes: Don't make sudden moves. Rabbits are hunted animals- every time I walk into their "room" and come in suddenly or loudly they freak out and run away. So I've learned to slow down, soften my movements, be more conscious and aware and no one gets scared away, including myself.

4. Sometimes it's best to sit still and let things come to you. When I had only one bunny I learned that I could never approach him, to try and pet him. I had to sit quietly and let him come to me, and then, and only then, could I softly stroke him. Same for the dog- when we're outdoors, if I keep chasing her she will always run away, but if I stand still, or sit down, or retreat, she will come to me. Maybe, in our do do do lives, from time to time, we can sit quietly and let life happen?

Emma aged 8 months

5. Operating from anger is counter productive and weakens you! Nothing can be learned from doing things angrily. In fact. particularly for dogs, whom we tend to speak to as if they're human : " Emma! Why did you chew my art work?" as if she understands, an angry human is a weak leader. And if the leader is weak, the dog understand that he better be in charge, and then you're in trouble. Cesar Milan teaches that we must be calm and assertive. Isn't that true for all of life?

6.  Last for now, but not least: Live in the Moment. Animals can be the greatest gurus of this, for they are living examples of what it means to be present in the moment. Who hasn't had the experience of the joy you're greeted with coming in the door, even if you left a minute ago? Or if you got angry with her,( which you'll inevitably be (-: ) she will never never hold a grudge! That is amazing, in of itself.

Watching my dog sit outside in the grass in the park near our home, I see her delighted in every breeze, every fly that flies by, every moment is vibrant and happy, and when she sleeps, it's deep and recharges her. How I envy that!

So what have you learned from your pets? I'd love to hear

Today I'm 50!

A Yael In The Judean Desert, I really must get a new photo!

 

It's my birthday and a big one, and I thought it would be nice to celebrate by writing in this blog again.

So here I am a big girl and I mean BIG! Like 50 is really saying to me, Baby- it's now or never ( well almost). I am determined to make a contribution to this world that will be meaningful to others and myself AND will earn me a great living!

Is that something that's ok to want? Yes , I know they say you are not measured by your bank balance, and I can always ask myself: When there's a constant stream of income , that covers all your expenses and more, THEN. will you value yourself? THEN will you be happy? 

First , let me say - I AM HAPPY TODAY. Not only because there was an outpouring of love from so many people today, and my kids surprised me in the morning with cake and flowers and explicit instructions not to get out of my pajamas and NOT to wash dishes. I am happy because I just feel good! Right here, right now.  

Remembering I came upon this one day at Jonathan Fields blog:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success - Emerson

Ahhh, This resonated, then and now. I breath easier reading this, don't you?

So I'm 50. I hope you all will be hearing from me this year often and of things I'm out there doing, for the benefit of all , but also for the ability to look at myself in the mirror and say, Yael, you made it, you reached your goals!

Love to all!

It's all written

I have a neighbor. He's very old, about 85 years, he sits all day in his living room in front of a big tv and talks to it for lack of anyone else to talk to. He came here from Greece, I'm not sure when, before or after WW2. In any case, traditionally, in those countries, people sat with their doors open, on balconies and talked to each other, way before modern life with it's smartphones and ipads, when hardly anyone looks at each other anymore. So he sits in his livingroom with the windows and the shutters wide open, watching TV and commenting, singing along, and whenever a neighbor passes by, hurrying on his way to work ( because he also happens to be situated above the joint car park) he always says hello,well, shouts hello.

I'm his favorite neighbor. I always say hi and a few words, ask how he's doing.I ask him what the weather forecast is, because he always knows. He loves my kids and has been watching them grow. " You've got great kids!" he always says. Once in a while, like this morning for example, he'll see me, and say:

 " Don't worry"

What? Am I walking around with a worried look? I must be. I am not known for my Poker Face. I am the most transparent person I know.
Everything, but everything I'm feeling, shows.

So, don't worry, he says...it's all written up there, he points to the sky. Whatever needs to be, will be...I give him the thumbs up, and feel inspired to go straight upstairs to this computer to write to you about it. Why? I don't know, just felt like sharing it.

Is it all written? Pre-determined? People have been asking this question for ages, and I don't think anyone has an answer. Some say we are living in an illusion of control. All this web activity, coaches coaching, Secrets being unrevealed, telling us we can dream up a future and it will be.

Once all mankind's wisdom came from the aged, the elderly folks of the tribe, who had seen so much and passed on their experience. And now? I don't want to say the world belongs only to the young ( and the internet), but let's face it, most elderly people, sadly, have no part in society.

But let's get back to you out there, I hope, like me, you can find some comfort from this man's words. It's all written... seems like sometimes I put so much energy in thinking about the future, and worrying about it, I have no time for the present. Maybe there's too much control tied to it. Sometimes I feel compelled to do things and then wonder why. Maybe it's not ALL up to me?

 So I'm inviting you, if you find yourself tense and caught up in worry, to ponder these words for a few seconds, and see what happens...does it loosen the grip a little?

Wishing you and myself peace

P.S. (how outdated is that? ...And still, an after thought):

A few days passed. I didn't publish this post, because the battery died out on me at the last moment.  All sorts of things happened, amongst them my smartphone getting stolen, getting angry with a rep of the telephone company, and mostly angry with myself for falling prey to sales talk and promises of freebies.( Sorry for being human , Yael). I have all sorts of decisions to make - about renting another apartment or finding one to buy...and plenty of other small, but pressing issues.

 And still, the words of my old neighbor reverberate.... don't worry...I'm taking a deep breath, trying to find solace in those words, in ANY words for that matter.

I looked in the Gandhi quotes page and my eyes rested on:

" Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

And a little self compassion won't hurt...

A little Empathy goes a long way...

I'm standing outside in the public playground/garden under the building where I live, waiting for a telephone technician, A mother witha baby stroller is just leaving and her older child, maybe two years old, is still playing with some leaves, totally absorbed as children are.

"I'm leaving!" the mother says and starts to go, turning the corner, where her daughter cannot see her.,
The little girl looks up, and starts to cry: Mama!
Mother returns: We have to go, come now, or I'll go without you!
The child's face is in the pile of leaves.
I'm going!
Child cries again and finally starts walking in the direction of her Mom.

I want to say to her: You know, she's not doing this against you...but I am silent.
The little girl reaches her mother and hands her a little something she found as a present
Mother for a split second: Very sweet, BUT, you must come when I call you! You must come!

I find I am really affected by this exchange. These few moments, for me, condense the way we so many times handle situations. I don't mean to sit here in judgment. I've BEEN ( and maybe still am) that Mother. An eternal, hands full, looking tired with two young 'uns Mother who hasn't got a clue what to do and just wants to get on with her day. I've BEEN that Mother who finally threatens her child...
and I probably was the child who was frightened into complying, not understanding her "crime".

My heart goes out to both of them,

And I know there is another way out of it. A peaceful way. A word or two of Empathy on the adults part could go a very long way. Something like: " Wow I see you really like those leaves, right?" and " You really want to stay here a little longer, yeah?"
 Sounds obvious and maybe a little too dumb to say, but in these two questions, so many underlying needs get met. First and foremost connection. The child feels hat she is seen, the Mother is WITH her child in her experience, and therefore may even relax a minute or two long enough to enjoy a special, magical moment with her child. And then she might say, I really want to get going, to which her child might still resist, to which the Mother may drop another: "It's hard to leave, isn't it?" So much is taught here...gentle consideration.

I'm not saying it's easy. That Mom needs a ton of Empathy sent her way in her predicament. And yet, it's possible.

This exchange won't take longer than the usual, and it will create ripples of peace and understanding that might reach out into generations to come.

I have used Empathy in many situations, and by no means all of them. My children are living proof that when their needs are heard and taken into consideration, they will grow up to be kinder more capable of compassion in a world that to this date, knows mostly the language of dominance and fear.

If you ever find that you're in a situation with someone ( children large and small) and it's not moving in the direction you want., try Empathy first and let me know if it works for you.

my darling and I

My love and understanding to you...

Wisdom from an eleven year old sage...

I have tears in my eyes.

My son, Tom wanted to stop playing piano. He said: It's just not fun for me! This brought up a lot of stuff for me. And yet I did my best to listen with empathy. To get my own pre-conceptions out of the way.

I guessed his different feelings and needs. His frustration. He didn't want his teacher to be hurt, he didn't want to face the moment of saying "goodbye" to her.  ( He knows she really cares for him and thinks he's good) And yet I heard my self saying things like: "if you want to succeed at anything you need to practice a lot and it's not always fun" (mmmm, is that true? ) He answered: what has that got to do with it? (he's right. what does it have to do with it?)

We went over different aspects, I offered solutions, ideas,  but mostly I heard his tears and his heart crying out for something.

I know how you feel, I said
You do?
Yes
How so?
Well I remember that when I was a child and playing piano, I stopped because the piano was in the basement and I was soooo scared to be there, and even more scared to tell my Mom I was scared. And then, played flute...and then we moved to Israel, for me a new land, though my homeland, and all the support system of the school in the States was gone. And no one else in my new class played...and... and I stopped. Also I know about the pitfalls of being an artist in any field. How easy distractions come in. How easily I doubt.

I also noticed that I was trying to convince him to continue. I noticed tension in my body.

Suddenly I said: Ok Tom, you can stop. you know I won't force you.
Really? he asked , suddenly surprised.
Yes, really
I let go, I really let go. I felt it in my body. I felt him relax.

Came to the computer ( which is in the living room, where the piano is too), Started to read , tweet etc. Suddenly, out of the blue, Tom starts playing. After a few moments, he says:
I've decided to continue.
Really?
Yes, he said
Why?
I remembered that sometimes there are obstacles in life. I can either overcome them, or get stuck.

And with that , he resumed playing for another half an hour, happily

He is eleven.
All I can say is I'm humbled, privileged to have this soul as my child.

Guest post at www.mindfulground.com

Proud to be on  Carina from Denmark's website! Come check out my first ever guest post!

 http://www.mindfulground.com/mindfully-not-present-by-yael-brisker/

Would love to hear what you think!

Enjoy!

Happiness Is a Soap Bubble

on loan from oliviatejada.com who got it on flickr and inspired by her

Happiness

Watching a child, any child,

Even my somwhat cynical pre-teenage daughter,

Blowing bubbles

Brings with it so much delight

Such pure happiness...

What is it about those bubbles?

Universally happy

Funny

Exciting

Giggly

Bubbles

To Dream The Impossible Dream...?

After listening to El at TruthPassionJoy.com I want to make a lis, a list of dreams, a list of things I want.

Why is it so hard for me?

The past couple of months have been so full of pain (physical too) and self-doubt, that everything I thought was true for me suddenly wasn't there anymore. My goal /dream of becoming a therapist, even believing in my ability to write, went down the drain, hence the long absence from this blog.

 I experienced panic becoming the main feeling I was walking around with.

I have so many abilities.
I can sing
I can write
I can photograph
I can listen and empathize
I have fantastic hands, for making things and for soothing, people say my touch is great.
I love the internet and can use some of it's tools, though there is always more to learn...
I'm wonderful with babies and people...

But what about my list?
what about my dreams?
Well, what?
I want to FEEL the feeling of wanting with all my heart. Not what my parents or sibling wanted for me, not my children's wants, my own.

When was the last time I really WANTED, trying to find it somewhere in my life.
Does it have to be big? Can it be made of tiny wants? When I think about food for example, what kind do I love? Can I feel it coming from my belly? Food and wanting seem to go together...

And  SO WHAT if I know (or speculate) that it started when I was a tiny infant and didn't get my needs met at the right time and got disconnected from my own impulse. How does that knowing help me now? How can I NOW start again, gradually to dream, to want, to train this muscle of wanting, dreaming dreams so I can finally make this list, be convinced of it, and start to implement it.

Looks like the answer is in the question. Gradually....slowly with patience, with love, gently, like I would do with my babies...

I start again