Beauty and Beyond Words

2012-01-22T14:12:00.000-08:00

A reason for being

Just came back from giving a presentation on Nonviolent Communication. Feeling high and happy, and as one friend put it "nourished" for the next couple of days at least!

One woman's feedback was, I can see and feel how important it is for you to pass this on...

And indeed, I feel so passionate about it. Maybe because I am, like a friend in England once said :"Just an old Hippy" ( I was 24 at the time)...which I guess means I am a product of the 60's - growing up in the States in those years must have had a an effect on me.

Or is it the fact that Marshall Rosenberg, the man who formulated Nonviolent Communication, got his Doctorate in 1961 , the year I was born?

In any case- I feel this is my raison d'etre, as the French say, my reason for being. This year, is going to be the year where I will give as many presentations and workshops as I possibly can . I feel my breakthrough is near...

Time to go to sleep...sweet sleep

Lessons learned from my pets

2011-10-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have two bunny rabbits and a German Shepherd puppy who is 8 months old. Since they've been in my life I've had the opportunity to learn a lot from them. Like everyone else, they are a mirror of where I am now.

Here are the lessons:

1. Change comes slow, habits take time to integrate: When I wanted to move the rabbits toilet box I noticed that if I move it in one swoop, even if it's 30 centimeters (about a foot's length) away, it just won't work. They'll keep on going to the same spot. But if I move it a fraction of an inch every day, then little by little, they adjust. Same goes for us, little by little...

2. Be patient. This I learned from my bunnies and dog, and relates to the lesson above. If you want to teach a new trick, or understand what's going on, take your time, observe, reflect and then make a move. So be patient, with yourselves and others.

3. Out of that comes: Don't make sudden moves. Rabbits are hunted animals- every time I walk into their "room" and come in suddenly or loudly they freak out and run away. So I've learned to slow down, soften my movements, be more conscious and aware and no one gets scared away, including myself.

4. Sometimes it's best to sit still and let things come to you. When I had only one bunny I learned that I could never approach him, to try and pet him. I had to sit quietly and let him come to me, and then, and only then, could I softly stroke him. Same for the dog- when we're outdoors, if I keep chasing her she will always run away, but if I stand still, or sit down, or retreat, she will come to me. Maybe, in our do do do lives, from time to time, we can sit quietly and let life happen?

Emma aged 8 months

5. Operating from anger is counter productive and weakens you! Nothing can be learned from doing things angrily. In fact. particularly for dogs, whom we tend to speak to as if they're human : " Emma! Why did you chew my art work?" as if she understands, an angry human is a weak leader. And if the leader is weak, the dog understand that he better be in charge, and then you're in trouble. Cesar Milan teaches that we must be calm and assertive. Isn't that true for all of life?

6. Last for now, but not least: Live in the Moment. Animals can be the greatest gurus of this, for they are living examples of what it means to be present in the moment. Who hasn't had the experience of the joy you're greeted with coming in the door, even if you left a minute ago? Or if you got angry with her,( which you'll inevitably be (-: ) she will never never hold a grudge! That is amazing, in of itself.

Watching my dog sit outside in the grass in the park near our home, I see her delighted in every breeze, every fly that flies by, every moment is vibrant and happy, and when she sleeps, it's deep and recharges her. How I envy that!

So what have you learned from your pets? I'd love to hear

Today I'm 50!

2011-08-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

A Yael In The Judean Desert, I really must get a new photo!

It's my birthday and a big one, and I thought it would be nice to celebrate by writing in this blog again.

So here I am a big girl and I mean BIG! Like 50 is really saying to me, Baby- it's now or never ( well almost). I am determined to make a contribution to this world that will be meaningful to others and myself AND will earn me a great living!

Is that something that's ok to want? Yes , I know they say you are not measured by your bank balance, and I can always ask myself: When there's a constant stream of income , that covers all your expenses and more, THEN. will you value yourself? THEN will you be happy?

First , let me say - I AM HAPPY TODAY. Not only because there was an outpouring of love from so many people today, and my kids surprised me in the morning with cake and flowers and explicit instructions not to get out of my pajamas and NOT to wash dishes. I am happy because I just feel good! Right here, right now.

Remembering I came upon this one day at Jonathan Fields blog:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success - Emerson

Ahhh, This resonated, then and now. I breath easier reading this, don't you?

So I'm 50. I hope you all will be hearing from me this year often and of things I'm out there doing, for the benefit of all , but also for the ability to look at myself in the mirror and say, Yael, you made it, you reached your goals!

Love to all!

It's all written

2011-06-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

I have a neighbor. He's very old, about 85 years, he sits all day in his living room in front of a big tv and talks to it for lack of anyone else to talk to. He came here from Greece, I'm not sure when, before or after WW2. In any case, traditionally, in those countries, people sat with their doors open, on balconies and talked to each other, way before modern life with it's smartphones and ipads, when hardly anyone looks at each other anymore. So he sits in his livingroom with the windows and the shutters wide open, watching TV and commenting, singing along, and whenever a neighbor passes by, hurrying on his way to work ( because he also happens to be situated above the joint car park) he always says hello,well, shouts hello.

I'm his favorite neighbor. I always say hi and a few words, ask how he's doing.I ask him what the weather forecast is, because he always knows. He loves my kids and has been watching them grow. " You've got great kids!" he always says. Once in a while, like this morning for example, he'll see me, and say:

" Don't worry"

What? Am I walking around with a worried look? I must be. I am not known for my Poker Face. I am the most transparent person I know.
Everything, but everything I'm feeling, shows.

So, don't worry, he says...it's all written up there, he points to the sky. Whatever needs to be, will be...I give him the thumbs up, and feel inspired to go straight upstairs to this computer to write to you about it. Why? I don't know, just felt like sharing it.

Is it all written? Pre-determined? People have been asking this question for ages, and I don't think anyone has an answer. Some say we are living in an illusion of control. All this web activity, coaches coaching, Secrets being unrevealed, telling us we can dream up a future and it will be.

Once all mankind's wisdom came from the aged, the elderly folks of the tribe, who had seen so much and passed on their experience. And now? I don't want to say the world belongs only to the young ( and the internet), but let's face it, most elderly people, sadly, have no part in society.

But let's get back to you out there, I hope, like me, you can find some comfort from this man's words. It's all written... seems like sometimes I put so much energy in thinking about the future, and worrying about it, I have no time for the present. Maybe there's too much control tied to it. Sometimes I feel compelled to do things and then wonder why. Maybe it's not ALL up to me?

So I'm inviting you, if you find yourself tense and caught up in worry, to ponder these words for a few seconds, and see what happens...does it loosen the grip a little?

Wishing you and myself peace

P.S. (how outdated is that? ...And still, an after thought):

A few days passed. I didn't publish this post, because the battery died out on me at the last moment. All sorts of things happened, amongst them my smartphone getting stolen, getting angry with a rep of the telephone company, and mostly angry with myself for falling prey to sales talk and promises of freebies.( Sorry for being human , Yael). I have all sorts of decisions to make - about renting another apartment or finding one to buy...and plenty of other small, but pressing issues.

And still, the words of my old neighbor reverberate.... don't worry...I'm taking a deep breath, trying to find solace in those words, in ANY words for that matter.

I looked in the Gandhi quotes page and my eyes rested on:

" Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

And a little self compassion won't hurt...

A little Empathy goes a long way...

2011-04-20T02:52:00.000-07:00

I'm standing outside in the public playground/garden under the building where I live, waiting for a telephone technician, A mother witha baby stroller is just leaving and her older child, maybe two years old, is still playing with some leaves, totally absorbed as children are.

"I'm leaving!" the mother says and starts to go, turning the corner, where her daughter cannot see her.,
The little girl looks up, and starts to cry: Mama!
Mother returns: We have to go, come now, or I'll go without you!
The child's face is in the pile of leaves.
I'm going!
Child cries again and finally starts walking in the direction of her Mom.

I want to say to her: You know, she's not doing this against you...but I am silent.
The little girl reaches her mother and hands her a little something she found as a present
Mother for a split second: Very sweet, BUT, you must come when I call you! You must come!

I find I am really affected by this exchange. These few moments, for me, condense the way we so many times handle situations. I don't mean to sit here in judgment. I've BEEN ( and maybe still am) that Mother. An eternal, hands full, looking tired with two young 'uns Mother who hasn't got a clue what to do and just wants to get on with her day. I've BEEN that Mother who finally threatens her child...
and I probably was the child who was frightened into complying, not understanding her "crime".

My heart goes out to both of them,

And I know there is another way out of it. A peaceful way. A word or two of Empathy on the adults part could go a very long way. Something like: " Wow I see you really like those leaves, right?" and " You really want to stay here a little longer, yeah?"
Sounds obvious and maybe a little too dumb to say, but in these two questions, so many underlying needs get met. First and foremost connection. The child feels hat she is seen, the Mother is WITH her child in her experience, and therefore may even relax a minute or two long enough to enjoy a special, magical moment with her child. And then she might say, I really want to get going, to which her child might still resist, to which the Mother may drop another: "It's hard to leave, isn't it?" So much is taught here...gentle consideration.

I'm not saying it's easy. That Mom needs a ton of Empathy sent her way in her predicament. And yet, it's possible.

This exchange won't take longer than the usual, and it will create ripples of peace and understanding that might reach out into generations to come.

I have used Empathy in many situations, and by no means all of them. My children are living proof that when their needs are heard and taken into consideration, they will grow up to be kinder more capable of compassion in a world that to this date, knows mostly the language of dominance and fear.

If you ever find that you're in a situation with someone ( children large and small) and it's not moving in the direction you want., try Empathy first and let me know if it works for you.

my darling and I

My love and understanding to you...

Wisdom from an eleven year old sage...

2011-04-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have tears in my eyes.

My son, Tom wanted to stop playing piano. He said: It's just not fun for me! This brought up a lot of stuff for me. And yet I did my best to listen with empathy. To get my own pre-conceptions out of the way.

I guessed his different feelings and needs. His frustration. He didn't want his teacher to be hurt, he didn't want to face the moment of saying "goodbye" to her. ( He knows she really cares for him and thinks he's good) And yet I heard my self saying things like: "if you want to succeed at anything you need to practice a lot and it's not always fun" (mmmm, is that true? ) He answered: what has that got to do with it? (he's right. what does it have to do with it?)

We went over different aspects, I offered solutions, ideas, but mostly I heard his tears and his heart crying out for something.

I know how you feel, I said
You do?
Yes
How so?
Well I remember that when I was a child and playing piano, I stopped because the piano was in the basement and I was soooo scared to be there, and even more scared to tell my Mom I was scared. And then, played flute...and then we moved to Israel, for me a new land, though my homeland, and all the support system of the school in the States was gone. And no one else in my new class played...and... and I stopped. Also I know about the pitfalls of being an artist in any field. How easy distractions come in. How easily I doubt.

I also noticed that I was trying to convince him to continue. I noticed tension in my body.

Suddenly I said: Ok Tom, you can stop. you know I won't force you.
Really? he asked , suddenly surprised.
Yes, really
I let go, I really let go. I felt it in my body. I felt him relax.

Came to the computer ( which is in the living room, where the piano is too), Started to read , tweet etc. Suddenly, out of the blue, Tom starts playing. After a few moments, he says:
I've decided to continue.
Really?
Yes, he said
Why?
I remembered that sometimes there are obstacles in life. I can either overcome them, or get stuck.

And with that , he resumed playing for another half an hour, happily

He is eleven.
All I can say is I'm humbled, privileged to have this soul as my child.

Guest post at www.mindfulground.com

2011-04-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

Proud to be on Carina from Denmark's website! Come check out my first ever guest post!

http://www.mindfulground.com/mindfully-not-present-by-yael-brisker/

Would love to hear what you think!

Enjoy!

Happiness Is a Soap Bubble

2011-03-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

on loan from oliviatejada.com who got it on flickr and inspired by her

Happiness

Watching a child, any child,

Even my somwhat cynical pre-teenage daughter,

Blowing bubbles

Brings with it so much delight

Such pure happiness...

What is it about those bubbles?

Universally happy

Funny

Exciting

Giggly

Bubbles

To Dream The Impossible Dream...?

2011-03-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

After listening to El at TruthPassionJoy.com I want to make a lis, a list of dreams, a list of things I want.

Why is it so hard for me?

The past couple of months have been so full of pain (physical too) and self-doubt, that everything I thought was true for me suddenly wasn't there anymore. My goal /dream of becoming a therapist, even believing in my ability to write, went down the drain, hence the long absence from this blog.

I experienced panic becoming the main feeling I was walking around with.

I have so many abilities.
I can sing
I can write
I can photograph
I can listen and empathize
I have fantastic hands, for making things and for soothing, people say my touch is great.
I love the internet and can use some of it's tools, though there is always more to learn...
I'm wonderful with babies and people...

But what about my list?
what about my dreams?
Well, what?
I want to FEEL the feeling of wanting with all my heart. Not what my parents or sibling wanted for me, not my children's wants, my own.

When was the last time I really WANTED, trying to find it somewhere in my life.
Does it have to be big? Can it be made of tiny wants? When I think about food for example, what kind do I love? Can I feel it coming from my belly? Food and wanting seem to go together...

And SO WHAT if I know (or speculate) that it started when I was a tiny infant and didn't get my needs met at the right time and got disconnected from my own impulse. How does that knowing help me now? How can I NOW start again, gradually to dream, to want, to train this muscle of wanting, dreaming dreams so I can finally make this list, be convinced of it, and start to implement it.

Looks like the answer is in the question. Gradually....slowly with patience, with love, gently, like I would do with my babies...

I start again

Hamsa - will I be making them again?

2011-02-21T13:17:00.001-08:00

Hamsa full view
Originally uploaded by Yael Brisker Fine MetalWork

" Avert the evil eye with this this beautiful wall hanging Hamsa.
Traditionally hung over doorways throughout the Middle East...it brings together all religions in their quest for well being!
made of embossed brass, with turquoise patina and transparent finish."
$60

I've been making this piece for a long time now...and haven't always felt good, mainly about how much I was asking for it.... mmmmmm what should I do? To do or not to do?

An Exhibition

2011-01-26T00:28:00.000-08:00

This is the continuation of the show in Paris that I participated in in October 2010, now showing in Israel


NO CHAINS AROUND MY FEET...

Back to square one?

2011-01-24T14:08:00.000-08:00

I'm writing or trying to write, but the truth is I'm still in pain, and this time it's a great physical pain, that I've been carrying for the past, oooh I don't know , four years?Just noticed i blogged about two posts ago...

I was told about 18 months ago that I have a a situation on my left shoulder called a calcification of the ligaments with muscles and that is causing me a lot of pain all the way up to my skull and down my arm.

I've tried all kinds of things: changing my diet for awhile, getting two steroid shots, which gave relief but are not a solution, medical yoga, osteopathy.
Pills, and good ol' denial.
Maybe if I pretend it's not there it will go away.
And there have been periods in which I've felt a whole lot better, and even for a few days wondered where it had disappeared to?

But lo, it came back and gotten much worse. So much so that I gave up Yoga...

The only thing I haven't done is have a talk with it.

Well I did ask once: what do you want to tell me? and heard a song, in Hebrew, actually a love song, that says: " Give me your hand , give me a place, in your world.."
Problem is, I didn't stay with it enough to REALLY HEAR. To go deeper.

Some people say, since we are all this one vibrating organism and are all essentially one, our body is no different. Some also say ( and I believe this) that the soul lives in the body, and that when something goes amiss, it means there is something WE are missing, and the soul is just letting us know.

Last week I came down with a bad flu, and sat down and wrote till some thing's became clearer. For example that I'm trying to do too much stuff at once.

Then the Universe cut down some stuff for me ( so I wouldn't have to choose)

And what now? Feeling kind of lost again
they say:
Stay with the experience. I don't know but I think that if I sit with this pain long enough and stop running around trying to ACHIEVE, then maybe I might be able to develop a real conversation, maybe I will hear something I haven't already, maybe some new direction in my life?

yawn
Time for bed, at least I can try and respect that simple wish, to go to sleep?

So how do you cope with pain? Do yo re-act and try to push it away? would love to hear
with love to all

Pain and Gratitude- strange partners...

2011-01-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

Pain

Woke up with a paraphrase of Oprah's quote: "Cheers to a new day and another chance to make a fresh start"

And definitely, gratitude for that, and yet, I'm in pain. I have been living in pain for the last few years.
Since my separation basically. It's a pain in my shoulder, and though I had it checked, an ultra sound done, and did yoga for the last almost two years, it's still there, and getting worse! And added to that, lately my right hand - so stiff and painful I can barely work, write, cut vegetables, excruciating is the word.

My dentist's secretary says: " If you're nearing fifty and you don't feel pain, then you're dead!" Well happy as I am to be alive, must I live in pain?

In my meditation this morning, I realize, I am barely breathing! And my body is frozen. The image that comes up is one of a massive Egyptian sculpture, one of those kings sitting frozen on their thrones. I try to soften it, turn it into flesh and bones, like Pinocchio coming to life , but no, that doesn't work, it just seems to make it worse.

And the question that comes up for me is, why I am continuing this? Why am I allowing myself to live in pain? I feel totally dry, brittle , almost.

M greatest sense is that this is the year I need to STOP, make some priorities, and mainly, put myself first...

So how do you, who are hopefully still reading this from time to time, stop?

Leaping into vulnerability

2010-12-26T05:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a tough week.

And I'm layin' it out here folks, like it happened.

Some may say I'm taking the leap into vulnerability?

Started last Thursday with a serious faux pas as the French say, when I made a very blunt remark on a partner's work. I felt enraged, couldn't contain it, and/or downsize it. I can't explain the scope of feeling that came up, when I saw work I didn't like. Still trying to understand my explosion. I felt awful, as a result.

Then another meeting that ended badly (not straight away but nevertheless) with aa man I had been in a relationship with for the past half a year. A place where I had given trust time and time again and had been betrayed- but still came back for more. Some will call it masochism, I don't know what or why, just trying my best to lick my wounds and carry on with a little more self awareness, and hopefully, compassion for both of us.

But the truth is - I'm angry, and I want revenge. I felt very vengeful...seeing all kinds of movies in my head where I go to the man's wife and hand her a letter with a print out of all our e-mails from the past half a year. Truthfully, just thinking about it made me feel bad, physically and I decided no good would come of it. And still those thoughts came popping back into my head! Ahhhhhhh.

Felt very very down all through the week. Somewhere I read that Mercury was regressing and that's why there was bad communication going on for many of us. Still , that was no solace.

From all this heavy thinking and less doing I finally, on Friday, gave myself a "real" reason to feel bad in the form of a major bump on the head I got while cleaning the house, exactly 2 milimeters from my third eye, right in the middle of my forhead for all to see. Luckily with the help of Arnica it doesn't look like a bruise but it's swollen and hurts REAL BAD.

To top it all off, my Mom got it ill in the middle of a nice lunch we were invited to yesterday, in a beautiful garden, on a sunny day, which was supposed to be a tranquil moment for me. So much for that. We ended up calling an ambulance because all the blood drained from her face and she couldn't stand up, after all, she's nearing 85.
I can tell you, I was scared, particularly after attending an old friend's funeral that same week...

I know how fragile life is - I know we could all go in any given moment- andI know his passingaffected her, I know she's scared and so am I - scared to lose - if we do lose- the person who has been closest and around all these years, my Mom.

Must leave you with something hopefull, interesting , thought provoking and touching I watched this week from Brene Brown, who researches vulnerability and the way we numb ourselves in our society, the Western Society.( Why must I ? I suddenly ask myself...so that you will love me, or that I will think I'll be useful to you in some way, except for sharing my misery?)

Fow whatever reason- here goes:

"A Big Hairy Audacious Goal"

2010-12-14T04:05:00.000-08:00

Spiral - ink on paper

I just listened to and watched Molly Gordon's videos on what it takes to be a profitable self employed buisness owner.
She lists 5 things you need to have:

1. A Big Hairy Audacious Goal - as she calls it, or a major "WHY" am I doing what I'm doing? What makes me crazy? What's obvious to me and I want the rest of the world to know about ?
2. A Financial goal - how much do I need to be profitable, and then some. And Dream....
3. Know how: how to market and how to sell (two completely different things)
4.Confidence- Self trust
5.Follow through : Molly says that every time you follow through, and I understand that means being persistent and consistent with the first four, you also build confidence to continue what you're doing and then you start to see results. Am I right, Molly?

So what is my Big Hairy Audacious Goal?
Well here's the thing:
I've been telling myself that I want to spread NVC, Nonviolent Communication, in the world. particularly, I have always felt strongly about meeting babies' and childrens' needs as a way to create peace, have a more Empathic world, more compassion. So teaching mothers on how to communicate, or how to BE with their kids is something that's meaningful for me. Maybe it's something I've been telling myself but in reality...I'm scared?

So how is it or why is it that I find myself sitting here in the shop I joined as a co-partner "selling" my Fine Metalwork (not a customer here today, probably on account of the weather), when I want to be working with mothers? How is it that I have been studying Biosynthesis for 3 years, with one more to go, with the intention of being a therapist? How is it that I participated in two Fine Art exhibitions this last year? How do all of these contribute to my vision? To a business that will support me and my kids?
mmmmm

And the self confidence, self trust that Molly is talking about, is something I feel I am only now, at the young age of 49, beginning to develop. ( It's a huge issue, SO HUGE, and yet the way Molly puts it , it sounds EASY. For me this is "THE ISSUE".
Self trust that I have value, that I do have something to give, to contribute to this world.

"My life is my message" - Gandhi wrote. Well hey I'm certainly no Gandhi, and I don't aspire to be, but somehow, what I think I can learn from this reflectionof his, is because of who I am, my life's course, the twists and turns, the tragedy in my life, somehow, maybe that is what makes this woman, Yael, and maybe THAT is something that can help others.

So hey, IT hasn't crystallized yet....

A while ago, while I was working on my piece for the Paris Group exhibition, my son, almost 11, comes up to me , looks me in the eye and says, "Mom, you're an Artist"

He said it with such tranquility, such peace, such conviction, I kinda felt like, who am I to contradict him? Maybe he knows something I don't?

I'm going to continue this theme in my next post...I think this one's long enough and full enough with things to ponder. What do you think?

Loving your comments and reflections...

Tears For A Forest

2010-12-13T02:19:00.000-08:00

This was written during the big fire in The Carmel Forests last week

Photos taken camping in the Carmel Forest In June 2010

Standing on a hill, in this forest
Only a week ago
Looking at the beauty
I felt a sense of expansion
Tranquility
Happiness
That only Nature can give you.
Hills
Overlooking the Mediterranean Sea
Peaceful
Clean (relatively)

And now-
Much of it's gone
The Trees
The Green
Many people's lives taken, tragically

" Don't it always seem to go-
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"

I regret
Not being there more
Regret
Not taking the children with me
Precious Forest
I cry for you
And myself
And all of us

Let Go

2010-11-30T21:44:00.000-08:00

One thing I've noticed while meditating. When I'm thinking - I hold my body much more, it's a lot more tense, particularly in my shoulders. Suddenly , when I notice I'm thinking, I am able to direct my awareness to my shoulders...and let them drop, let them go. And then - I feel my thighs resting on the chair - and I am IN my body for a few split seconds. Wow! It's like a revelation! To feel all the tension release, even for a moment, relax my breathing lengthen my spine...like I've often read the Barefoot Doctor explain, (who BTW is ill, and we're sending him best wishes of a speedy recovery). And then a few seconds later...I'm in my head again.

The other day I was tense, worried. My 85 year old Mom decided she's driving to a local mall to meet a friend. Problem is she has dementia, still in very early stages , but it isn't getting better. She refused to have her live-in companion go with her. There was nothing I could do, except make sure she knows the way. Please call me when you get there, I asked. Of course, she didn't, she forgot. And she wasn't answering her cell, which was probably in her bag.

I'm pacing around, anxious, thinking of ways to reach her, calling the cafe' she's supposed to be at and suddenly my almost 11 year old son comes up and says to me, Ima- you need to let go.

Let Go? How can I let go? Byron Katie often says: Can you let go when it's not available to you? Is that true that it's possible?

But he's right in a way. Maybe another word for it is trust. Trust the Universe to keep this big ball we're on turning and moving us all in the direction we're supposed to...
I let go. I directed my attention to places I can actually DO something, like my work, even though I'm frustrated there, and no matter how many good tips I read from Jim's Marketing Blog, or read Seth's Blog or watch all these amazing creative people on the net that I admire like Melissa Dwindle launch great ideas, I still seem to not BREAKTHOUGH.

Still, relatively, it's a place where I have some sense of control.

An hour later- my Mom called to say she's home...

So, How do you let go?

Looking Into Your Eyes

2010-11-28T00:11:00.000-08:00

Looking into your eyes

I see the eternal
The child
The Innocence
the love, the vulnerability
the love, the pain
the pure , the joyful
the longing
to love
to be loved

Looking into your eyes
They are the eyes of everyone I meet
I see
In this world
In my life

I meet you everyday
I meet me in You
The eternal
The One
Some call it God

Thank you for reflecting
Everything
I need to know
To Learn
To be
Peace

To Rest

2010-11-19T23:02:00.000-08:00

Today I'm resting. I'm going to pretend that I'm sick, because that was the only way I was allowed to stay at home when I was little, and well, now my inner parent is still keeping that up...

I'm going to stay in bed.
Have breakfast in bed, which I just made for myself
Read
Talk
Sleep, a lot
Rest

A few days ago, I was having a terrible morning.

We were late for school and my daughter was still standing in front of the mirror and brushing her hair. "Yasmin... let's go we're late.." Yes yes just a second"
Finally, I blew up!
" I'm leaving!" I shout.
Suddenly it's all fire inside , in my body. Like a terrible fire that is out of control..

We finally make it to school. Standing in the parking area, kissing and hugging her goodbye, because I do not want to part in an argument, I catch sight of a friend, I wave . She comes close : " How are you?" I smile: S-it I say. So, why are you smiling? she asks. "It's my default" and tears come up. What is it? I make a movement with my hands like a huge mountain in front of me. " Everything's too big, huh?" I nod and fall into her big hug and burst into tears.

"Yael, you've go to rest," she continues. "You do so much. You don't stop, you must find some rest!"

Back home I reflect on how hurried I am in everything. Even eating. I eat a sandwich I can barely sit still, there's so much tension in my body...

Even meditation and yoga are a chore that must be done.

How to rest? How to find relaxation during the day when I find myself so rigid so tight?
Well, they say awareness is the beginning, and I find I have made progress in the last year and a half, yet still, there's a long way to go...

Would love to hear, how do you rest? How do people relax?

p.s. Last night I watched "Julie and Julia". The movie about the writer Julie Powell who got famous for writing a blog about the year she spent making every single recipe from Julia Child's " Mastering The Art of French Cooking". Great film, that also tells the story of two great ladies and their relationships and their passion, their creativity and one-mindedness but more than anything I was inspired by watching the special feature in the DVD about how the movie was made. I noticed that the two key figures that made this film, the producer and the director, were women, and I was inspired by that... a film about two women, by women, not to mention the great Meryl Streep.
And of course, there was a lot of love in all of it
How empowering is that?

How to Heal?

2010-11-11T00:13:00.000-08:00


My Face Is Smiling, But I am Not

This must have been one of the worst let downs in my life.

Oh yeah I've had plenty.
Lots of unrequited love.
Early crushes unspoken. A falling in love in my early years, 18 to be precise, that ended a year and a half later in desertion, and haunted me for years and years until that fateful meeting in Central Park just near Strawberry Fields, meeting him with his wife...
Men disappearing from my life.

Yet this last one hurts now, more than before, and what comes up is a sense of betrayal of trust that runs deeper. Maybe because of the process I'm going through, of opening up, of being more connected to my feelings than before, maybe because he helped me BE in the moment and also say what's going on for me. That split second of intimacy, that closeness, is what lingers for me. It was a moment of being seen and heard.

And then , the next day- cut. Gone.

I know it's not because of me. I know he has his issues. He didn't mean to hurt me. He's just answering his own needs. I know I set myself up from the start. Maybe my choice of partners is poor- some will say that it's my soul's journey, that there's a lot more unknown than known...

All of this may be true - it just hurts hurts so bad. And feels alone, probably more alone than I have ever felt and there has been a lot of alone-ness in my life.

How to heal? How to trust again?

Your thoughts are welcome.

Love Is The Fertilizer

2010-10-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

In my Meditation this morning I felt, as I feel very often, this big pain in my forehead, the place where all the thinking goes on. So I looked at it. I heard myself say, go go get out! And then saw an image of little me and this huge black something, with no specific shape. Little me is trying her hardest to push it out. Tremendous, strenuous effort, and it ain't budging.

And then I remembered the teachings, of greeting those thoughts, those pains, as one would greet a guest. We would receive them in a nice way, offer them some refreshment, and we know, they're here now, and they're leaving, eventually. And I also remembered , that Love is the best fertilizer, the best "force" one can use. So I started caressing that big thing, and poof, like in a cartoon, it was gone.

How can I bring that love into all areas of my life? Clearly, I can do it when I feel energized, relaxed happy, well, happy-ish, but- what happens when I'm depleted, tired, feeling lonely and just wishing for some relief?
Where and from what can I get renewed? I meditate, yes, I do some exercise in the morning, I write, and these things are beneficial, and yet-

Something's lacking.

The other day I saw a fantastic film, called : "My Afternoon's With Margueritte" , a French film starring Gerard Depardieu. It's a moving, inspiring movie about a man who all his life has been the village idiot, suffering endless laughter and scorn from his surroundings and his single mother. But he's a big guy with a big heart, and has a beautiful young girlfriend who sees the beauty in him, an amazing vegetable garden that he lives off and sells produce from - and one day he meets a 95 year old lady in the village square - and this meeting transforms him...or rather, reveals to him, how special he is. She's a former scientist that loves to read - and so their meetings go, she reads, he listens. She points out what a great reader he is. To which he answers : What do you mean? I can't read! She answers , you LISTEN so well and that is just as good.

I won't tell you the rest.... but I will say that it is a movie that brings back faith in each of our individual uniqueness- how we all have our own style of growing, learning and loving. And the message is yes, that Love is the best fertilizer there is, the only power that can move even the blackest and darkest moments.

I wept at the end, literally. Go see it

Consistent, Linear....Or?

2010-10-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

leaf illustration

It's been over ten days since I posted on this blog.. I read somewhere: Don't give excuses , be responsible.

Woke up with the word : Consistency in my head.
Saying to myself, look: You've never been consistent with anything! You lack discipline, you lack routine you lack consistency! Perhaps I'm being harsh with myself?

So looked it up in the Merriam Webster dictionary:

1. Firmness or constitution of character: persistency
2. Agreement or harmony of parts or features to one another or a whole : correspondence; specifically : ability to be asserted together without contradiction

Ha!

My experience of myself is that I am always in contradiction with myself, never in harmony or agreement, and that I lack firmness. Well, there you go.

Saying to myself, look: You've never been consistent with anything! You lack discipline, you lack routine you lack consistency! Perhaps I'm being harsh with myself? (THAT I'm consistent with, by the way (-: )

Except in my Motherhood, at least when they were young, I was consistent in my parenting beliefs. And I'm consistent as a mother - as if there's a choice. I'm consistent as a seeker, as a person who looks inward and continuously strives to be a better person.

What does it really mean to me?

Lately, being with myself, in the process of creating my last piece, I had the opportunity to look, to notice more , non-judgmentally. I noticed I work in circles, or rather spirals...it was so clear...and it was something I got validation for from reading how other people work. And, God knows, life isn't linear, the universe isn't linear...is it?

Why should I be?

Looked up that word too...I give it to you here:

(1) : of, relating to, resembling, or having a graph that is a line and especially a straight line : straight (2) : involving a single dimension b (1) : of the first degree with respect to one or more variables (2) : of, relating to, based on, or being linear equations, linear differential equations, linear functions, linear transformations, or linear algebra c (1) : characterized by an emphasis on line (2) : composed of simply drawn lines with little attempt at pictorial representation d : consisting of a straight chain of atoms
2: elongated with nearly parallel sides — see leaf illustration (I give it to you above)
3: having or being a response or output that is directly proportional to the input
4: of, relating to, or based or depending on sequential development
What I found funny was that the first known use of the word was circa 1656. Funny, no? And the leaf illustration! Wow! Last thing I would think about leaves is that they are linear!
And maybe more interesting or meaningful to me was that in both definitions, there is no mention of Time... these words and how they relate to time.

Anyway I'm rambling...the day is moving along and I better start moving with it...a house to be cleaned, and the rest of my life to be lived, whether in spirals, lines, consistent or in-consistently!

"Fixing a hole...fixing me"

2010-10-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

"Life is not a problem, what we believe about life is the problem" Byron Katie

"I'm fixing a hole where the rain comes in, and stops my mind from wondering, where it will go...." Lennon- McCartney

Woke up at 5 am . Bad dream, a loud noise. And the instance I woke up- panic sets in. Couldn't get back to sleep. Lying there for half an hour paralyzed, and finally, I get up, go to the living room and do the only thing I know can help in these situations. Write.

(How is it that these moments give birth to writing? mmmmmm)

I sat and wrote three pages of all my suffering in that moment. All my fears , pain , judgments of myself. How I cannot move myself forward. Here I am , just past my 49th birthday, and what have I achieved? No steady stream of income, spending all the money I got from the sale of the apartment I owned, money only going out, not in...how I'm doing too much at the same time: studies, two businesses that are not taking off and on and on and on. I put it all down...and then did the The Work on the sentence:

"I should be making a living"...which ends with :

Who would I be, how would I be without the thought: " I should be earning a living" and I'm not?

Definitely less stressed.

Suddenly snapped out of the bad mood, did my Chi-qong/Yoga routine, then 15 minute meditation, summoned all my resources...and you know what? I had a fruitful day...checked things off my list.

Later, a seed I sowed half a year ago suddenly popped out of the ground... met a woman who may invite me to speak about Empathy in front of a group of English/Anglo Saxon women. I have a sale at the end of the week of my metalwork at a big event, and I am joining a co-op of crafts- women and artists, in a town adjacent to mine where I will be able to sell straight to the public with no go betweens... not to mention that a piece of mine is in a gallery in Paris! So really, objectively...things ARE moving and are definitely not static...so why the panic? Could it be a conversation I had yesterday in which a friend showed me in numbers how I am throwing money away by renting instead of buying an apartment? Maybe I was just ripe for some stress....

So it's 1030 pm...the day is coming to a close, kids in bed, I'm at the computer, a bunny rabbit hopping around the living room, rain falling outside, freshening up the air - all is well...

"And it really doesn't matter, if I'm wrong I'm right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong!"
Lennon- McCartney

Wisdom From My Personal Guru

2010-10-07T21:51:00.000-07:00


"No Chains Around My Feet, But I'm Not Free"	my latest piece for the Paris show, paper metal wire, plaster and fabric will post another shot soon

My son Tom stayed at home the other day.

I saw he was having trouble getting up, he looked very tired and I decided to give him the day off from school. Anyway, you know I don't think school is SO important...

So we're together in the living room, he's lying on the sofa and reading, I'm papier-mache-ing... something I've started doing more and more lately as part of my work.

He yawns

"You're tired, eh?" - I ask.
"Yes Mom, why are adults more tired than kids?"
"Well I guess it's because we have so much stuff ( I make a gesture with my hand- towards my head) up here."
"And kids?"
"Your job is just to have fun and enjoy life."

Silence

Tom smiles, we look at each other and begin to laugh...well duh! It's adults' job too!

Guess I kinda lost that....

The Non-Gratitude Mandala!

2010-09-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

for a closer and bigger look

I've been busy the last ten days
Busy Creating

I challenged myself
Instead of going to a meditation retreat (paid for by my dear brother as a birthday present)
I chose to stay at home and finish a piece for a group show of Israeli women in Paris
A piece I was not sure I could and would make

I discovered a lot about myself in these few days
How much I love Art, for example
How I can be moved and excited by it. How excited I am to read about lives of Artists
How much I love Dialogue with other people in and during my process of creation
How I can FIND these amazing people in my life

I found out how loved I am

For four days I was alone and didn't leave the house.
Kids were at their Dad's. so I was alone (except for the bunnies)
I could move , suddenly, according to my own pace
My own Rhythm, finding it
Going from watercolors to sketching to papier mache-ing
Listening to my favourite music (My Fair Lady...amongst others)
Reminding my- Self of my favourites - singing out loud
Dancing
Happy
Excited
And I created, and I had visions of more creations

Thinking of the relationship between suffering and creating
Looking at my own
At others

This morning I got up happy, well, relatively (-:
Felt like making a Gratitude Mandala
To Thank everyone and everything in my life

And then a text message that brought up old anger again

I'm still grateful - or beginning to be again
Apparently, what needs to come up, does

Fortunately, I have my colors, my words my hands as direct expressions
Channels for this Anger energy

Off to continue this Journey
Thanks to all of you reading this!

Deception and Living Life

2010-09-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

From Lynda Hill's website

Enjoy the journey and give birth to self-love, self-worth and divine creativity. Let go of the past and emerge into life and love.

The day started out really bad.

I barely slept and awoke at 430 am.

On my way to the big city

A call in the car

Heavy conversation

In Heavy traffic.

A panic attack while driving on the highway

Breathing...you must not lose it...you must not lose it...

Therapy

Almost threw up, wish I had, why didn't I? Fear

Throw up, the

Anger

Mistrust

The deception

Yeah, he was deceiving me, but worse

I was deceiving myself

Everything happens for a reason they say

Driving home

After major crying session

I stop at a friend's

To get a hug

Love

Lying in her garden

Smelling the trees, the grass, talking with some pets (a gorgeous cat)

Calming

Grounding

Connecting

Dialogue about my art

Slowly getting inspired, I have resources!

Energy lifting...

Children from school

Lunch

Nap

Some creative work with my daughter...still tired, slow, but moving, moving

Almost giving up the idea of going to Yoga

And then a telephone

I'm on my feet, drop kids off at guitar and horseback riding classes

Yoga, wow I'm so glad I went

Pizza for dinner!

(just to hear kids shout YAY! at the top of their lungs makes life worth living!)

And it is

Life is worth living

And as someone put it, can't remember who

Life IS for the living

And I'm alive and moving

And creating

And all is well

Inner Ground

2010-09-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm in pain

a lot of it

and I can't seem to understand

or get around it or go through it.

I see Gabriella Hoppe my teacher putting her hand on her shoulder, just to show that I can just

Put it there. Softly, warmly, in a supportive, gentle, accepting way

And yet I

Still push myself into it, fight it

Try and take it away

And what's with my lower back?Haven't heard from it since I was going through a crisis in 96'

When my beloved Jessie, my dog, died and we didn't have our own space to live in and there were problems getting pregnant.

Suddenly my back has come back! To tell me what?

All the intersections in my body are screaming...something, my knees, particularly the right

Can I have a pain-less day?

And tired , no energy...aagh!

And yesterday I observed and discovered suddenly the way I am

As one coach put it , circular- (and that's ok)

It was such a different day!

Got up

Meditated

Wrote in my notebook

Typed a post on my blog

Cleaned the house

Shopped

Had a last glance at my book on Greek Gold that I gave to my friend

Back home, rested

Received the kids

Cooked

Read the chapter on Inner Ground of Lifestreams by David Boadella , founder of the pschosomatic therapy known as Biosynthesis I am studying

Helped the kids with their bikes to go riding on the carless streets in Yom Kippur

Watched Elizabeth Gilbert on TED

Watched an amazing film called "Racing Daylight" from the Spiritual Circle Cinema

And a short doc on a lady called Jenny Funkmeyer

Got inspired and went to work on my art!

Creating this:

Inner Ground

And in closing the day, wrote three things I am grateful for:
My kids my loves
Being given a second and third chance
Cornflakes, I just love them!

So why the low energy today? Maybe I can just accept it instead of fighting it?
Maybe because it started so differently, looking outward instead of inward?
Or simply because it was a difficult night?

Peace...can someone bring it on?

Elizabeth Gilbert on TED

2010-09-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Inspiring , funny, moving ( brought tears to my eyes!)
Watch it enjoy it....
http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/453

On creativity and releasing the Genie...

Pain and Forgiveness?

2010-09-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

yeah I know it's a Paris sky, but suits my mood...

It's six o' clock
I've been awake since five
Went to sleep in pain
Emotional
Physical

Went to Yoga class, with my shoulder
Throbbing
My lower back sensitive
And my teacher, wanting to make my shoulder relax, lay me on a bench, with props
And my lower back got caught.
(Of course she didn't let me leave before she fixed that, but not a hundred percent)

Went to sleep sad, but in spite of that wrote down three things I'm thankful for:
I'm alive
I have a bed
I'm safe

Dreamt that I was giving birth.

It was strange (as it always is in dreams)

One minute I was pregnant

Two big contractions, more like convulsions

And the baby shot out

Perfect

Smiling (with teeth? a Cheshire baby (-: )

I put her to my breast and it was full, spurting with milk

It was a warm feeling, and yet
Something was wrong in the picture

Today is the Eve of the Jewish Day of Atonement
The day when all Jews are supposed to ask for forgiveness

To forgive and be forgiven, by each other

By God

And hope to be written in God's Book of Life, for the coming year

And all I can think of
Is my Unspoken anger
Holding it in
No wonder my back goes
Alot of anger, directed to so many people
(Not to mention myself)

Who must I forgive?
Why isn't anyone asking mine?
What is forgiveness anyway...it's a strange concept
Meaningless to me.

When I was eight my Mom would say:
" I will not speak with you till you ask for my forgiveness"
What choice did I have?
What was my Sin, anyway?

The sky is cloudy here in Israel today ( fits my mood)
And I wish it would rain
And wash all these tears (uncried)
Fears
Anger

Pain

Away

Moving in awareness from moment to moment...

2010-09-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm doing the dishes.

My head's rambling on about how it's all wrong, and I'll never amount to anything, about the mistakes I've made or why didn't I do this that or the other, etc etc.

And then, suddenly I stop (if it is ME doing the stopping). Suddenly it stops and I am able to direct my awareness to my body.

And all is well. No pain, at the moment. (-:
No discomfort, just a body, breath, belly, arms moving flowing, standing, doing dishes...and everything is fine...yes, absolutely fine. And there's nothing wrong in this moment.

Only the story line, that comes back, every now and again.

It's a wow kind of moment but without bells ringing and lights and firecrackers. No orchestra playing.
Just pure contentment. Suddenly something's clicked.

As Byron Katie puts it: "Who would you be without your story? "

Today I felt it.

Yearning for " private intimacy" A Book Review and post...

2010-09-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

Flowers for my last birthday on August 22nd...beautiful, eh?

I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed - A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage"

I have to say that I really enjoyed it though it started off a bit slow for me. And maybe I was a little bit sarcastic, as in: Well, she found the love of her life, now what can she possibly want to say?

I also have to say I really like Ms. Gilbert though of course I've never met her. But I watched her on TED.com and she was absolutely lovely. To me that means humble, sweet and very funny and intelligent. I also love her face, it really shines at me from the cover of her latest book. So I stuck with it.

Well, I really think for me it was an important book to read, as a not-yet-formally-divorced-but-separated- for-many-years-woman. She really goes deep into the subject of Matrimony. As deep as anyone who (as she herself says) is not a psychologist or anthropologist, can. This word is oddly, and I never noticed this before she pointed it out, made from the word Matriarch funny ah? Not Patriarch! Anyway she really goes into marriage and divorce from many different perspectives including her own family lineage. Beautifully written , there were pieces in it that were an actual relief for me to read and see that , wow, here is someone who's articulated something for me. For example:

"Part of what makes the experience of divorce so dreadful is the emotional ambivalence. It can be difficult, if not impossible for divorced people ever to rest in a state of pure grief, pure anger, or pure relief when it comes to feelings about one's ex-spouse. Instead the emotions often remain mixed up together in an uncomfortable raw stew of contradictions for many years. This is how we end up missing our ex-husband at the same time as resenting him."

As I write these words I get a phone call from my ex. Is it because we are not legally divorced yet, which is an issue I need to address, or because we share two relatively young children and are in constant contact with each other which I find at sometimes suffocating- for whatever reason I get terribly triggered by things he says and see how we never really divorce entirely. Even Ms. Gilbert writes how her ex haunts her dreams and probably always will.

And it brings up the question, am I really free to get into a new relationship? All this hoohaw around my ex lover being not free for me, well, AM I FREE? And then all my self judgments at how I react or how I am in relationships come up, including, why try at all?

So why, REALLY?

Ms. Gilbert sums it up towards the end of her book, saying, because

" We yearn for private intimacy even though it's emotionally risky, we yearn for private intimacy even when we suck at it "

So here I am, at yet another post-relationship stop at the road, still not able to put full closure on my old one....yearning...

A Spiral Question Mark Mandala

2010-09-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

A Mandala a Day?

2010-08-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

They say it's a good idea to do a Mandala a day...it's a mirror of our psyche. with a perfectionist like me, that will be hard to do!

I know this is huge! And covering most of the page but it's closest to real size...
Can you read what it says?

Yasmin and The Work of Byron Katie

2010-08-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

this a photo that I really like of her

Yesterday Yasmin did The Work of Byron Katie!

To any one who is not familiar with this system, I really recommend it! It's a simple process of four questions and a turnaround that question the beliefs that cause us suffering... transformative!

Isn't it great that life keeps coming up with opportunities to practice spiritual tools?

Yasmin was suddenly distressed. A memory had come up. She had gone to the Youth Movement's summer camp and after one day decided she wanted to come home. Her Dad, my ex, went to get her. I thought it was over and done with.

This happened over a month ago but suddenly, last night, she was overcome with an inexplicable sadness.
(She's 10 just to remind you...)

I tried empathizing. True, it was the end of the day...and I wasn't that focused, and all I managed to say was:" So you were really sorry you went, right? And it sounds like your Dad coming to pick you up really touched your heart, true?" She responded to all this, yet kept on saying: "I shouldn't have gone in the first place!"

To this I began to say, "So why did you" , which ,never helps...("Why?" is a question you can ask much later, after someone's feeling better...)

And suddenly, I remembered BK...and asked: Is it True? And immediately checked if she wants to try The Work. She said yes!

Just for the record, my children have almost an intimate relationship with Byron Katie, since they've been seeing her face on my computer screen for years and have always connected with her image. When she was in Israel a few years ago, I went to the event. Tom, my personal Guru and home version of Byron Katie said: Why do you need her? You don't need her! (He was seven at the time...) His sister, Yasmin, said Ima, are you going to tell her about me?

As it turned out, I did do TW with Katie on stage...about Yasmin and the struggles I was having at the time with her. It was an important experience, and really the beginning of a Journey, rather than some solution or completion to "my problems"...

Back to Yasmin. I said, let's do The Work and see what happens, OK?
OK!
(All this whilst she is getting into bed)

Me: Yasmin, is it True that you shouldn't have gone to camp?
Y: Yes!!!
Me: Are you absolutely sure, a hundred percent that it's True?
Y: Absolutely!!
Me: How do you feel when you believe that thought?
Y: I'm sad, my heart hurts, I want to cry...
Me: Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine, how would you feel, be, without that thought?
Y: Better, easier, happier... ( I swear all this is coming from her!)
Me: Now let's turn around that thought, I shouldn't have gone to camp, turns into..?
Y: I should've gone!
Me: Why is that just as true, can you see it?
Y: WELL BECAUSE I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT IT WAS ABOUT, IT WAS MY FIRST YEAR AND I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT...
Me: So, you wanted to go 'cause you were curious?
Y: Yes!
Me: Anything else? How do you feel now?
Y: Good!

We hugged. I said : It's like magic , this Work, right? Yes!!

And she sank into deep and happy sleep...in fact she's still snoring as I write these words!

Thanks Katie! And thank you to me....:-)

A Tale of Kindness in Cypress

2010-08-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

Yasmin learned how to ride a bike on our holiday in Turkish Cypress.

Cypress is a strange place. Don't know why it strikes me stranger than any other divided continent, land , that, left to it's own nature, has no borders except it's natural ones. Maybe because the island is not big and as you're driving through the Greek side - suddenly you meet a border crossing, a few little buildings and some guards, you get your passport stamped and - there you are, on the Turkish side.in Turkish Cypress.

Not much has changed, the landscape certainly hasn't , and yet...everything changes. The architecture, the general run- downish, time has stood still, kind of look you get on the Turkish side. And of course- a mosque instead of a church. A lot less signs on the road , a lot more vines growing everywhere, in the front of every house. Somehow, a lot less Westernized.

We were staying in a holiday village, still half built, but with very nice facilities on the North Western tip of the island. It looked a little strange to see these buildings jutting out like new teeth - white against the brownish, yellow with bursts of green, landscape, with the backdrop of the sea behind. For the kids and I guess for me too, it provided a safe environment to play, meet friends, and there were lots of bikes to ride.

Yasmin, ten and a half now, has been struggling with learning to ride a bike for three years now. This child rides on horses, commands them, is assertive, and yet with a bike, lost all her confidence.
.
One day I see Tom, her twin brother and her practicing. He's holding the bike in various ways , trying to get her moving, yelling and laughing at her. She's getting more and more frustrated, yet finally, suddenly, it happens! She's riding!

A victorious and happy Yasmin

We decide, too soon perhaps, to ride to the nearest village to the local shop. Riding down the road she gets frightened and unsure of herself and finally lands in a ditch. As luck would have it- right in front of the prettiest house and garden I saw there. The owner, a lady about my age, who was watering her garden, sees us, jumps out and says, you OK? She gives us water, and helps rinse Yasmin's face When it's clear that Yasmin can't continue I ask in sign language if she can stay with her...Yes yes of course! I saw her kind face and knew it was OK.

Off we went, Tom and I to the shop, and when we get back Yasmin is sitiing on the front terrace, with drinks, fruit from the woman's garden and looking generally pleased. Katria, our host, in the meantime had taken the thorns out of Yasmin's fingers, put soothing oil on them, and just pampered her with love. Of course as soon as we arrived , we also received the same treatment. More fruit,drinks, the woman's Mother shows up with freshly baked traditional bread with herbs and cheese, that Katria insists we take back to the village to my Mom

Plums from Katria's trees...

Walking back, at twilight, Yasmin and I reflect on how, out of a "bad" thing, came this beautiful encounter, like in the films you see, with a beautiful kind-hearted woman. I quoted Shakespeare: "Things are only good or bad because people make them so." Had Yasmin not tried bravely to ride to the village, and fell, we would never have met Katria and tasted some of this beautiful endangered culture- not to mention her organic fruit, and wouldn't have spent these sacred rare moments, walking together quietly, with our bikes, just the two of us.

A few days later, we returned with a beautiful rose plant for her garden, which she said she would name - Yasmin. Sadly, in both cases I forgot my camera at home , so I don't have an image to show you.... Yet this woman is forever in our hearts...

Good Day Sunshine?

2010-08-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

Why are mornings so hard for me?
I wake up, way too early. 5 am, and immediately, lately, I get a little panic attack
Haven't had those for awhile. And can't get back to sleep...

It's around money, I know. It's around my ability to make money. (As if I make it) Produce. Earn. Bring in. I still have resources I am living on and supporting my kids with, but other than that...nothing's happening! ( Well I'm exaggerating here...I do have a little Renaissance for my Metalwork, yet nothing substantial)
I study. I write, I learn...how about earning?
What's worse is I don't believe in my Ability to to make it happen!
Yes I've sold work, a lot, in the past, but never really MADE it. In terms of a steady stream, of clients. And in getting paid in a way that feels good.
Afraid to ask for what I want , afraid to say it out loud! That I"m worthy!
Frustration all around.
Scared I will never live up to my "potential", that I will blow all my resources away, And go back to taking care of babies for a living. maybe that's what I do best? And who said that's not GOOD ENOUGH??
All this talent and I can't make anything from it?
Scared. plain and simple.That's the feeling.
Aaghhh! Sigh!
Lord, help!

Still, after writing all this down, on paper and then here...a sense of relief.

Suddenly , I hear the birds chirping (it's early morning) for real and from Twitter (-:
And Bob Marley's beginning to sing: " Don't worry, 'bout a ting, 'cause every little thing's , gonna be alright..."

Leaving you with this..how do your morning's start?

The Art of Saying "NO"

2010-08-09T03:06:00.000-07:00

Saying No

I can't even say no to my cleaner. for heaven's sake! I can't say simply - you're fired! Or , NO thanks. I don't need you anymore. ( well. the truth is I DO need help with the house, I WANT help, but not HIS help)

This is so symptomatic of my whole life. Saying NO, the ability to say NO, this doesn't suit me, this isn't RIGHT, it doesn't FIT ME.

Even when I say no, finally, I'm in regret two minutes later, saying, did I do the "right" thing?

Why can't I say NO, no, no, or even I'll think about it, or let me check with myself, and get back to you? Maybe because checking with my self doesn't have any results? I'm not going to find any new answers in my- SELF? Is it because I am SO disconnected? A sense of desperation comes over me with these words.

Aagh! Oh Brother, as Charlie Brown would say.

Say NO

NO

NO

and NO! (My passive- aggressiveness coming out)

Or this trip I organized , I initiated, and then woke up one morning, before paying for it, feeling, no , this is too big for me, ...and here I am, going on Saturday with my 84 year old Mom, and she's OLD I realize suddenly, so old it makes my heart break, and two kids, for a week, wow I'm stressed.

I could go on and on, about almost every area in my life, but I guess it would just be more of the same, from start to finish.

But what influences my day. my mood most, is my love affair... I said NO. I regretted it. I said No again...I'm going back and forth. No, I won't sleep with him anymore, it'll give me perspective, I'll be able to see ,more clearly, do I even LIKE this guy? Shit, (sorry for the profanity, lack of better word) we've never even been to a movie together!

Well, almost, on Saturday, I found myself, in what is known as " by coincidence" in the same film theater that he went to with his lady. Pure Masochism! And in a film, (fantastic btw, about a man who has a lover, following up to his decision. I won't tell you the end). That wasn't the film I was planning on seeing, but the only one there were tickets for, and I knew he'd be there.

I saw a great film...and saw how much it hurt. My friend and I thought it would be a gas , but on truth, it hurt, and a lot.

He left in the middle - how could he?So RELEVANT to his life, I guess it says everything about the man. (here I go with my totality and judgments again and again)

Saying NO, has to do with healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries which are formed and imprinted when we are babies, or rather, toddlers. How much we were allowed to say NO in those formative years. Was our No accepted? Empathized with? Recognized as part of our healthy development? Healthy boundaries help us have healthy aggression, which means , to move forward in life, planning, executing, assertiveness... moving ahead...on...all areas where I see myself lacking.

no, no. no......NO NO NO!! It's a hurting aching no... (brings up the memory of this song, which I'm happy to find on You Tube)

I'm learning, I know I am - and I will master this art of saying no, self connected, healthy, self empathizing, self loving, no.

Allowing myself to feel pain

2010-07-31T04:55:00.000-07:00

Reading the last mail from him
I felt a huge knot in my belly
But the "automatic response system" was on,
And it was
To write a response from my head,
More Justifications
More Blame
More, I did this , You said that
Words

Got up
Had a shower
And then, that pain again
I thought:
What if I just SIT with it for a moment?
Instead of re-acting
Instead of plodding on, tasks
To do
Instead of Denial?
What would happen?

Tried it
Sat, slowly
Felt Pain
in my abdomen, the knot
Said:
"I feel pain, I feel pain" out loud
Felt it
Move up and up and out, breathing all the time
Tears welling, flooding my eyes
Voice, suddenly, wailing, crying,
Strange sounds
And then an urge to throw up
This is where I get scared
I start pushing it down
Again, No just not throw up, not alone
Running to the bathroom
Nothing comes up
Just Nasuea
Come back to sofa. Sit. Write Move , Breath
A little more pain.
No relief, yet, knowing there will be. And still

Must go
Shop. Do. Continue
Life is calling
Sitting , Allowing...Results?
I go back to the bathroom ,wash my face
Look at the face in the mirror
Suddenly I look to myself, younger fresher...at peace

Saying goodbye...

2010-07-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

Remember this song..? " I never can say goodbye, no no no I , I never can say GOODBYE..! (this clip brings me back - you gotta watch it!

I just finished a four day workshop in Biosynthesis, a method of body oriented Psychotherapy I am both training in, and experiencing through therapy for the past year and a half.

The theme of this workshop was : "Crowning". All stages of the learning process in Biosynthesis are connected to the Chakras, and now we have reached the Crown chakra. Crowning has many associations, many aspects, one of them being, how capable are we of saying: "Goodbye"?

As every woman knows, when the head of the baby leaving his mother's womb "crowns"...we are saying goodbye, to a life we knew and entering a new one. Really, it's kind of a death...How we experienced this moment, this process, our birth, how hurried, stressed or forced, or relatively easy it was, has had an impact on us, on a cellular level, and usually a very unconscious one.

One of our exercises was to reflect, together with a partner about what saying Goodbye means to us. And different aspects of it, for example, when I say goodbye I am afraid I am losing my safe ground. This aspect resonated for me most. Also we were asked to find the benefits in these aspects.

Ahhhh. What came up for me of course was saying goodbye to my dear dad...but, I didn't bring it up.

Instead I remembered how often as a child, I had no choice , but to say goodbye to places and people.
How terrifying it is for me. As early as four years old, when we moved from Israel to the States, and then within the States from the West to East coast, and finally from the US back to Israel (what a shock to the system that was, and one I can remember!) During the first part of the exercise, just talking about it, I experienced an incredible headache1 I felt like I was getting sick again! What I did see as a benefit from all this was my ability to make friends easily, and adjust pretty fast, and maybe have a broader perspective.(?)

During the second part, we were asked to see a vision, to try and imagine a change , even small, envision it! Since I had mentioned I wanted to move because my apartment is getting too small for my soon to be 11 year old twins and I ( and the bunnies), my partner invited me to see a new apartment, one that I move to not because of external reasons, but because I choose too. It was great! I took a walk in my new apartment, saw my new bedroom, my kids' rooms, a beautiful kitchen. At the end of that part, like a miracle, my headache was gone!

Wow this work is so powerful!

And this brings me back to, ahem, the affair that started when the #215800 challenge began. From the get go, my dream said, Yael , this ain't for you. Did I did listen? Nope! Then I got ill, very ill with that horrible, practically strangling throat infection. Well, I've known Louise Hay long enough and had enough throat infections over the years to know what that means! Add to that my shoulder and my knee that act up and out whenever I feel weak and there is no SPACE for me. And to top it all off, I began to get an itch, you- know-where, and then even the sex was no fun! ( boy I'm beginning to sound like some invalid!)

Ahhhh. Some space for some self compassion.

I also notice some kind of movement, in and out, pushing away, pulling back, reaching out. Scared to be alone...

And yet, here I am tonight, when, according to the Jewish calendar I should be celebrating The Love Festival, I am alone. Upset that once again, I've been moved. That against my choice, yes that's it - my need for choice is not met, again.

To be honest, I'm not as upset now as I was earlier...because being alone, folks , is my default.

Next post - putting in my order to the Universe!

Sunset...Never get tired of 'em

2010-07-22T03:02:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago on a beach North of Tel Aviv....How come I never get tired of them?Enjoy....

Two parts of my body - two messengers

2010-07-20T03:27:00.000-07:00

Wow , again too much time between posts! Just noticed it's been ten days...oh how I miss being challenged, in a writing structure, to be contained...

For a very long time I have had two very painful parts in my body: My left shoulder and my right knee. so long that when I went to see the orthopedic doctor a year ago, he said : that pain in your shoulder is Ancient. How ancient? Past life perhaps? I can't really say. I have a vague memory of sitting in my Vipassana retreat 25 years ago hearing the word Samskaras, in relation to the aches and pains that come up during meditation.

I know, they each have a story to tell, coupled with my back....but what are they trying to say? I'd like to say I have a dialogue with them, but really it's more like they are shouting something and I keep saying...huh?

Once , during a session with a friend the word "space" or "place" came up. Today, in my therapy sesssion, other things came up. I was talking about my affair with this man, repeating what I had said to him yesterday which was : " You're asking for patience from me? Well I want it too!" As I said this, I made two gestures with my hands. First I lifted both of them in a Stop sign gesture, and then immediately brought my right hand to my left shoulder, partly supporting it - partly massaging it...and the whole arm crossing my body in a gesture of protection. My therapist then asked me to repeat the same movements again and again, while giving attention to what feeling or memory arises as I do this.

( In Biosynthesis, the method of therapy I am doing and studying formally, we let the movement bring up more information, or help stir memories)

What came up was alot of sadness. And an effort to protect myself...I am so trying to protect myself from more hurt in my life. And how much support I need, how much is lacking...

My therapist then asked: can I come and sit behind you and support this shoulder and your head? Lets experience something different, something new, and see how it feels? Then she also suggested we move to the floor, to the mattress and for me to create a safe space to be supported in, and all the while, more memories keep coming in, of how I am in relationships, all kinds of relationships, how much I want to be taken care of...how much I want to be seen, and how tired I am of holding it all together, tired of feeling alone.

(This process, can only happen btw, in a therapuetic situation where trust and a connection, a strong bond, have been formed between therapist and client).

Suddenly the image that comes to my mind is of a Buddha that Jack Kornfield talks about in his book : "Wise Heart". This particular Buddha was a clay sculpture from centuries ago, cared for by the monks in the area. One day a monk discovered a crack in the clay. Everyday the crack widened and eventually revealed a GOLD Buddha that had been hidden from sight so many years, no one remembered it was there. Obviously it is a metaphor for our pure, unchanged selves, covered by all that and how much work we need to do to move the clay aside to be free.

Tired, longing to be free....
Stopping here.

River

2010-07-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

“He tried hard to help me, you know he put me at ease and he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees, I wish I had a river...I could skate away on....” Joni Mitchell (found a particularly shivering live version here)

Well I don’t know how hard he tried to help me, seems he was helping, or trying to help himself. But the fact of the matter is this beautiful eerry sad Joni song really portrays my mood now.

Aphrodite really did her work on me. I was excited, “in love” felt sexy and creative for the most part of this last month. In Hebrew the words creation and sexual urge or desire are from the same root. I can tell why. They just go together. And now, I’ve sunk into some depth which is hard to describe...but as my friend Michal put it, that’s kind of the way I am. Sad. That’s my default. Yes, I smile at you from this picture, (well actually, smiling at my son Tom who took this picture and always says to me first thing in the morning: Ima, Smile!) So yeah, I smile alright, but it’s not a smile coming from the depths of my soul.

Except when I put on music and just dance.

Struggling to find words...

After being told ( by mail, mind you!) last week by the man I was involved with, that he needs to go away and be with himself and face reality (‘it’s not you, it’s me...’) to coming back on track, and agreeing that we are in touch, to again being told (by e-mail, again) that it is over, I feel a mixture of things:
One: relief- because many of my needs were not getting met- namely, for a happy, fun open mutual, honest, reciprocal relationship, and I couldn’t find it within me to break it off, though I made some attempts. Secondly the moral issue...someone out there being lied to...yes yes, not my business -yet I am with someone who is doing that. Makes me sick to my stomach now to think I cooperated with that.

And now, an alone ness and sadness that have come to stay...find myself still checking my inbox, in anticipation, looking at the cellphone that’s silent, no text messages...the need for attention and being special...

Thank God that I am supported by therapy and loving friends...my therapist noticed how I tried so fast, in the good ol’ family tradition, to put up that ol’ stiff upper lip and keep going , as in business as usual... as if nothing had happened....as if I didn’t open my heart, wide wide open...as if I didn’t take that chance, as if I hadn’t been suddenly, left standing there with my mouth wide open.

Friends say..or at least some, it’s not you it’s him, he’s not connected to himself, he’s not worthy of you, but what if it is me?What if I am really not someone who guys want to be close to? Apart from in sex?aaaaahhhhhhhh

Let’s examine that for a moment, shall we? Lets say it is me, and I am awful to be with- a know it all, a perfectionist, judgmental, sad, rigid, a little puritanical despite my cool rebellious past and facade? What does that mean? Obviously it means that no one, who will get to know me, will want to stay with me. Somewhere deep inside me is a belief that I don’t deserve a man I want and suits me just fine.

After writing these words, I just collapsed on my bed, with a sore throat, heavy, tired feeling like I’m going be very sick, with a kind of pins and needle feeling all over.

So what if I don’t find anyone? Then what? I’ll be alone, and then what? I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life...well I’m miserable now so I don’t have to wait for the future for that! Of course I have no proof that any of this is true. As Katie puts it :”Reality is always kinder than our story”

It’s the next morning..been to the doctor and received antibiotics which I am reluctant to take. As Yasmin, my daughter put it, sometimes when you know what you have it’s already the cure...she’s a wise one that one.
The same evening I completely collapsed. High fever, the works. My twins took care of me, bringing me water to drink and cooling my forehead with towels, and yes I am taking those antibiotics.

Wish I could lift myself but the weight of the disappointment is too heavy...as my therapist put it: just be gentle with yourself for now...give time for healing...

This post has talken me days to write, that's it - off it goes into cyberspace.

In a garden...looking for my ground..

2010-07-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

Since the begiining of this affair, this love affair,I have felt like a pendulum swaying this way and that. Like a leaf on a branch moved by the slightest breeze.

M said: " He'll never leave her, if you don''t want to get hurt, if you want this man, leave him now, straight away!"

G says: " Sounds like you need to live from your truth, you should live by your morals"

Another M says : He doesn't sound trustworthy, what does he want? And on the other hand, if you want him, you must be like Aphrodite...luring, beautiful smart, transformative...

A says: give it a chance! Why should he move from his favorite, regular resteraunt to a new one when he hasn't tasted enough to know, whether he really likes it or not?

S says : He's right, A is, give it a chance, meanwhile, you're learning, you're experiencing, it's better than nothing!

And today, with yet another A , another voice, I hear myself apologising, for it, justifying in her ears, and maybe mine?, Justifying the fact that I'm living against my morals? And then she adds, well, when there's been sex, it completely takes over the head! Feeling ashamed, like there's something wrong with that.

So many voices! So many opinions! Reminds me of my Academy of Art days...when there were too many voices.

And what does Yaeli say? What does she know? (Middle of the night now, a small baby is crying from some apartment, somewhere, crying and crying....my heart cringes to hear it, why doesn't someone go to her? Dammit!!!( maybe that's me crying), God she's screaming now, please send someone to her for Heaven's sake!!!)

What does Yaeli know.

I know, that on Sunday night, after spending sometime together at the pool, talking, laughing hugging, and then much later at my place, I slept like a baby, a baby that has all it's needs met (unlike the one screaming in the distance- she stopped now, either she ran out of air or someone finally had some mercy). I slept so well, and woke up with so much energy! I went to sleep feeling satisfied, full, and slept the best I have done in years!

And then came Monday, off to Anne to interview her, then a feeling starts to creep over me , strange short text message, and then reading that mail at the dentists' office, (" It's not you it's me ..".) I nearly threw up, I felt so bad. I felt his anguish, his uncertainty and my heart sank into the depths, and a bad mood set in.
Tuesday, him wanting to talk, a meeting. S says go , of course you must go ( Jesus, have I no backbone to speak of?)

Meeting at the coffee shop, me trembling, trying to speak my truth, to say what I need, that I want a relationship, a consistnet one., huggging in the end, and yes, ok, we're back on course.

And today was Wednesday ( that baby is still crying...Lord, have mercy!) Feeling worried distracted, unhappy, except at my weekly Yoga class, Short conversations on the phone, he sounds bad, he's unwell, it sounds like he's worse off than me! Why do I need this? He keeps saying, you should find yourself another guy, at least three times...
I don't like myself this way! I'm angry scolding myself, trying to figure out: who's right who's wrong? What IS right?

I've always had a lot of patience. anyone who's seen my Metalwork, the intricacy of the pieces, the minute detail,s can tell they take hours to make. I made them with a lot of patience and love.

And in myParenting path, again a lot of patience. Breastfeeding twins simultaneously for three years...I'm sure I broke some record somewhere. And the homeschooling, present for them, till they reached six. It took a lot out of me. And I did it with a lot of love, devotion and conviction, no less.

And now, now it looks like I have run out. Maybe all that patience was me holding in, holding back my own needs, holding back my own true expression, my womanly needs, I don't know. I just know that I'm out. Really out. Out of patience and out of time.I want it all, I want what I deserve, and I want it NOW.What is all? To live in a way which makes me feel good about myself, a way that feels good in my body
A teacher of mine once asked: Yael, do you know where the soul lives? In THE BODY. I spent so many years disconnected from my body, not listening to it. Letting my head rule. Shoulds and should nots. My Yoga teacher, Anne, says in class: When you say "I" and make a gesture with your hand, where does it go automatically? Try it. Say : "I". It goes straight to the center of your body, around the solar plexus. It doesn't go to your head...Anne says that's why our posture says so much about our mental emotional state. Shoulders drooped and the whole chest area like a cavity, shows how we feel and how we face life. Lift the sternum, roll your shoulders back, it's like looking at life from a whole new perspective.

Sadness coming up now. My soul loves this man, is connected to him, maybe from a previous lifetime? Who knows and what does it matter?\

" In my garden

I have planted thee.

In my humble garden

In my heart

Within me'

Roughly translated from Hebrew, from the poet Rachel.

And I don't like the package it came wrapped in...And I have no patience. Zero. Sorry

That's me , now.

Hallelujah....

2010-06-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah

"Maybe There's a God Above

But All I ever Learned From Love

Is How To Shoot At Someone who Outdrew You

It's Not a Cry You Hear In The Night

It's Not Somebody Who's Seen The Light

It's a Cold and It's a Broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah....."

L.Cohen

Pieces of the Puzzle....

2010-06-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

These last 21 days have been amazing for me. True the last couple I have not written and missed a day here and there but generally they have given me so much inspiration and a general kick up my butt!

Today I am interviewing Anne Catherine, my yoga teacher, for this project. Which I am happy to do anyway, hoping I will be able to work out the technicalities of.

An extra 10 days? I don' t know...I want to say YES! I want to commit to this because I am enjoying it so and feeling the flow of energy come from me as I write, and pass the 400 word mark...like being in a Yoga pose long enough or doing it that many times, like in any art form or practice, so that you really begin to understand it!

And the yoga , yes to Yoga a big yes! Coupled with my body psychotherapy studies and therapy, things have been really coming together, it's like pieces of a puzzle ! As a child I just loved putting puzzles together...must have gone well with that Virgoan side of me which just loves order!

And mentioning Virgo rising , and Virgo dominant in my chart, though I am Leo, is that perfectionist side of me, that whenever I don't hold up to standards, usually my own , I give myself a hard time.
A very hard time, which brings me to how I have noticed being a little bit hard on myself for the past 2 days for not writing, and seeing such beautiful inspired, women do their thing ahhhhhhh...a moment to notice those judgments come up.

Yesterday I was asked, why write? What's this blogging all about? Well, my answer is why does anyone write? Why have people kept journals, diaries ? Why have their journals been published? Or artist paint ? It's all about contributing something to humanity, isn't it? Sure there's self expression, it's an impulse we have, the impulse of creation, but it's also about what happens to the other person when he views , reads these personal, coming from the depths - stories? Feelings memories associations...and of course the word Connection comes up, which is really all we're about here....I love it!

I for one have been greatly inspired by the few I have managed to follow, whilst raising kids, being a single Mom, and also trying my best to get my professional side up and running (admittedly that's going slowly, but surely!!)

So will I go for the extra ten days? will I refresh re-new rethink , re-schedule and try to fit it in???Like that extra piece?? Time will tell Meanwhile love to all and stay close for Anne Catherine!!

I’m surrendering...

2010-06-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

I’m surrendering.

I’ve been fighting this relationship from the get-go...drawn to it, scared by it, rationalizing it, hating it, hating myself at times, well not hating but definitely unhappy with me, feeling empowered by saying NO, needing to say NO, and then finally so far, as these words are being written, I have surrendered. What does that word mean? It’s not a war! Why does it feel like one? The thing is that when we’re together it feels so GOOD. It feels right, I am in a relationship, an experience, he is teaching me intimacy. Something I have never known and never thought possible.

Laughing a lot, talking a lot , BEING, just being, gazing into each other’s eyes deeply, getting to know each other...we’re still really strangers! (Frank Sinatra singing in my head. my Mom's favorite)

Yes, it’s true. he’s in a relationship that, according to him , doesn’t work for him on many levels anymore, he’s changed.. They’ve changed, so why doesn’t he leave? Oops, I’m in his business now.

According to Byron Katie, there are three kinds of businesses...yours, mine and God’s, however you understand God to be. The Tao, Mother Nature, The Divine. If I’m in your business ,or God’s, that is, places where I have no say and no control, then I suffer, I feel alone, separate. So I imagine her asking: Who’s business is it with whom he lives? Obviously , his. Also, when I am opposing, resisting, arguing with Reality as it is now, I suffer.

Who would I be without the thought: He should leave her? Someone very much in love, living and enjoying myself! That’s something I have very rarely allowed myself to do. Questions of right and wrong go flying out the door!

Just spoke to an old-new friend. Tal. My family came to live in Davis California in 1965, my Dad was at the University of California there. A short while after our arrival, her parents, newlyweds from Israel also came, and eventually became good friends of my family. I remember her Mom pregnant with her I remember being in awe, my hand on her belly, feeling the movements.
Fast forward many many years , we weren’t in touch for ages Meanwhile her parents had divorced , everyone grew up. The next time I saw her was when I split up from my husband and moved to a smaller town called Hod Hasharon. Her Mom had just died from cancer and as it happened had been living, without my knowledge, around the corner from me.

In the Jewish tradition, it is customary that after a person dies there is a Seven day morning period, when people come to pay their respects and sit with the grieving family. My Mom and I came. And I re-met Tal, who had just given birth for the first time, and was breastfeeding her newborn. In the past few years she had been to India, did a lot of meditation and became, amongst other things, a life coach. Immediately we recognized in each other soul sisters. She makes these wonderful portable Meditation pillows, and has become deeply interested in Nonviolent Communication, the process which I have been living and breathing for the past seven years. We clicked.

In our conversation now she said...Yael, it sounds like this love affair is a lesson for you on how to be fully present in each moment without attachment to end results. Pure and simple. I know what my goal is, I know what I envision in terms of a relationship , a partner that I want. He may or may not be “the one” but I am sure as heck gonna allow myself to LIVE IT.

So is it a surrender? Maybe, but not in the win or lose sense. Rather, it is like relaxing into a Yogic pose. With awareness, with acceptance to where I am now. Breathing, Moving, becoming stronger and more and more flexible in my body, in my life. Yoga!

During yoga class this morning...

2010-06-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

During yoga class this morning, which was sooo wonderful...I felt so present, thoughts of my recent affair barely bothered me. I was focused on my Teacher, Anne Catherine, her voice has such a wonderful resonance for me. This is an Iyengar Yoga class for women only, in order to focus on our special structure and needs... During the class Anne brings our awareness time and time again to different parts of the body which take more of an active part in each pose. Bringing a lot of focus and awareness and clarity. She quoted B.K.S. Iyengar saying: "Paradoxically, when we can separate the different parts of the body and bring our awareness and intention to each part, it gives us clarity and peace of mind.

During Savasana, when she was guiding us to start to go deep into the cellular level of the skin and relax deeply, I suddenly had a great idea! I am going to interview Anne for this challenge! I think it can benefit a lot of you out there...even though everyone comes from slightly different approaches, they are all united in yoga!

Anne has 25 years experience, she has been all over the world, not to mention she trained many times with the Master Iyengar himself , in India, and his daughter Geeta. She invests a lot of her time on self development. Anne is also a single mother of two, she has a thriving studio in Ra'anana, a town adjacent to mine, and I have known her for years now.

She has no website, no Facebook, no Twitter. Nevertheless her classes are packed and people are waiting in line to get into her medical and recuperative classes (is that a word?) She has never written about herself, or any of her thoughts down, so she was happy to hear my idea! I am totally excited about this and will post this next Monday which should be the last day of this challenge, I think.

I came out feeling so energized and happy from this idea. And from it came more ideas. To dedicate each of the coming posts to different people in my life.

Made kind of a mental list: First my kids, then my Mom, and close friends, I love the power of the two young and assertive women who run my child's horseback riding farm. Wow, they're amazing those two. Technically they could be my children...some sadness there remembering two abortions from my 20's, (somehow I would like to write something for them too), and for some reason, my friend from the bicycle shop , who's a man who seems to see right through me..

I came home to find Mary Beth's post, that really inspired me. I love way she writes and the way she incorporates her beautiful photographs. This challenge has introduced me to so many creative spirits!

What I want to tell you is that I had another opportunity today to observe myself in this "relationship" Which I haven't been updating you about because I was feeling low, going from high to low, from being a victim to a creator, from being in touch with myself to disconnecting, in places where I am still struggling to find connection.

I put the word relationship in quote signs, but in fact, it is a relationship, in that it just shows me again and again where I am with myself, what I am feeling and needing and believing, how I re-act, endlessly noticing, trying to be as present as possible while thoughts are racing through my head.
This morning on my way to Yoga, I said to myself that my heart bleeds to think of his woman's pain...I'm sure she's just as unhappy as him. I must must live up to my values. I must!

Byron Katie, who you've noticed I like to quote, says " Everything happens FOR ME and not TO ME,

I like that sentence...it gives meaning, it gives me a sense of empowerment, that I can learn and grow from every experience.

Evening, My daughter Yasmin is playing the theme song from Titanic. You may say it's corny, but it's a beautiful melody, and always makes me feel sad, I sang it at my father's grave last year ...

Tired, I think this is enough for today.

wrote this last night and the computer didn't cooperate with me as far as posting this , so here it is now, a bit revised.love

This whole series is beautiful....A Tel Aviv beach!

2010-06-23T04:53:00.000-07:00

A PLACE I'M PROUD TO CALL HOME!

A Meditation -lost the count I think day14 for me

2010-06-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

So My thoughts

Micha , Michal, friends, who’s right?

Who’s wrong, what do I need what

do I want?

I’m like the leaves up in the tree, swaying

With every breeze, that comes along.

Where is my center? ah breathing now, softening my belly,

Feeling , my belly my breath At least for this meditation, in the body.

And the head

Rules, (still)

Last night again came the request

Can I come and see you? Need to hold you, smell you.Can I come on such and such a night?

Desperation in his voice, well through the lines of a chat actually (-:

Wanting.

My body says yes, ‘cause the wanting is there for me too

So,

Body says yes,

Heart is scared

Head says No!

Heart. vulnerable, soft open , well half open,bleeding. I’m scared

I don’t want to be hurt.

What do I want, a guarantee? As if there is one someone could give me.

Sky

The image of the sky that I photographed in the winter, on the beach in Tel Aviv

Wide open, clear, expansive, free

No more words come. Though was awake at 530, up at 545, showered

Did a 15 minute sitting,wrote in my journal by hand for another 10

Promised myself to just write until seven

Suddenly, Tom my son was up, needed to relieve myself, the Bunnies started their day and needed attention

and the moment is Lost.

Children to school then for my weekly yoga class, hurray for that.

And then back to my life.

This is my Best...today

A letter to my long deceased Daddy...

2010-06-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

So I noticed that yesterday Bindu made a note of Fathers day. It's not Father's day in Israel, but I lived in the States for seven good years of my childhood and my Dad, long gone now, loved living there. If it was only up to him we would still be living there and maybe what happened later wouldn't have occurred. So I dedicate this post today to my Dad, Hananya Brisker, may he rest in Peace

When I was 18 my dad died in a road accident. He was crossing the street in our town, in mid August at midday, and a woman drove too fast and ran straight into and over him. He was not killed immediately. He was taken to hospital , suffering many injuries, shattered bones, and mainly a very bad blow to his head. Two weeks he struggled for his life. He lost the battle.

And where was I through all of this? I was in Europe, on an after-high-school-before Army trip with a high school friend. Just something alot of kids did after school. Army here is obligatory, though nowadays alot of youngsters find ways not to get drafted. I was a "good" girl, and though I didn't want to go...I did, well that's not new and hasn't changed all that much.( I'm being hard on myself 'cause that's the kind of mood I'm in now)

In any case, the doctors told my Mom and brother there was no point bringing me back, because he'll pull through. But I knew something was terribly wrong. He had surgery before I left and I was told that he was back in hospital because of complications. What complications? I asked but wasn't given a straight answer.

I was in Sweden for my 18th birthday, sad alone, worried, still, the good girl just carries on. When I reached Norway I went to visit Edward Munchs' museum with all his morbid depictions of Death, and I knew deep inside. Suddenly I was told to return ASAP, and the day after I arrived , he passed on. He was waiting. I didn't get to see him because he was unconscious after undergoing surgery for that head injury. It failed. I never saw him again.

The last picture I have of my dad is waving bye bye to me through the rear window as the car took me to the airport. That was 31years ago. Once, years ago a therapist asked me to write a letter to my dad and put it in an envelope. It was the first time I really spoke to him after his death, and expressed my anger and desperation....

That was 15 years ago. Am I healed? Have I forgiven the lady who ran him over? Have I forgiven my Mom and Brother for not giving me the opportunity to choose to return or not? Have I forgiven myself? And last but not least, have I forgiven you, daddy, for what I experienced as a desertion?

Now, I will take this opportunity to write him another letter. 31 years after his death

Dear Aba

I am writing you this letter in English on Father's day. You always said that before we left for the States when I was four, my Hebrew was beautiful. It's kind of weird actually...I don't know what we would say to each other if we met today. You were always my hero, tall handsome, cool in my eyes, with your Fry boots that you bought in the States, you really liked that Cowboy look, didn't you?

So many years I have been carrying your memory, it's almost become a burden, carrying that pain from the way you left. Although I have often felt your presence. For example I knew you were there when I lived in England in the 80's and was briefly married to that eccentric English guy who smuggled drugs. You made sure no harm came to me, thanks for that.

Abba, you had a couple of famous sayings you used to repeat that I desperately tried to follow, like : When in Doubt -Don't. I found myself failing miserably every time, always going against my instinct. Or : When you find yourself getting angry, go drink a glass of cold water. Sounds like good advice, but I have always wondered if you ever followed it, especially when you were beating my brother.

You called me Honey Bunch and said you wanted me to be an independent woman, something I always tried to measure up to, without knowing what that means, with no clear map on how to do that. On the other hand, I was always given the message that I couldn't really decide for myself.

Re-reading this I'm wondering if I am not repeating myself from the last letter I wrote, on the 30th Anniversary of your death. Forgive me if I am
.

And the all pervasive question, Why? Why did you leave? Byron Katie says: We don't get to call the shots on this one. No one knows when it's going to happen. Death. Still the feelings of desertion never went away. And will they ever? I have so many questions pertaining to your absence...like the quality of my relationships and connections with men ever since. I really don't know.

All I know, is that I still miss you...your smile, your laugh, the way you used to dance with me to a Beatles record, and your big big shoulder that I could cry on...sorry I didn't take advantage of that more.

Loving and Missing you always,

Your Yaeli

P.S. You died way way before the digital age and I don't have one photograph scanned. Maybe it's time to do something about it.

From Reaction to Creation and Mountain Solid...Day 11

2010-06-19T03:04:00.000-07:00

What a fantastic start to the day!
Woke up at eight, did 20 minutes yoga : Tadasnana - the mountain pose, got firmly grounded, felt my feet, my legs strong and lifting the rest of my body towards the sky, positioning my sacrum in the direction of the earth, breathing all the way up to my crown where an imaginary string connects me to the sky and makes sure that my body is aligned and there’s no stress. Then, Sun Salutations, suriyanamaskar, breathing, slow, aware, giving attention to every pose , particularly adhomukha-svanasana- the dog pose. Noticing where I’m tight, where I’m letting go...

What you don’t know about me ladies, is that I did a two year teacher’s training course in Yoga 15 years ago, at the Wingate Institute, the foremost sport academy here in Israel. What matters is that it was with my first yoga teacher Orit Sengupta, who since then has risen to a Guru status, developing her own particular version of yoga, integrating scriptures, translating Patanjali into Hebrew, deep into meditation and pranayama.

I didn’t finish that course. I was in a very stressful time in my life. My husband and I had moved out of our apartment, bought one, and were in the process of planning to renovate. Meanwhile we found out there were fertility problems, we were living at my Mom’s, and to add to all that my beloved dog Jessie, was diagnosed with cancer and died a few months later. She was like a baby to me, a friend...I don’t have to tell you what a relationship with a beloved animal is. Tears still come to my eyes when I think of her.

I didn’t become a Yoga teacher, but it remained in my body. I did Iyengar for quite awhile, and when I was finally pregnant with twins, I did classes with Anne Catherine, a prominent Iyengar teacher who had just moved to Israel from France. Until 10 days before the birth, I came to class...

Then the twins came and everything changed...did Chi Qong for two years and now I am back...to my old love, Yoga.
When I returned to Anne Catherine, who meanwhile became a single mother of two, and has a thriving Yoga studio, is an inspiring woman herself, she said , Yael, your body is so gifted, it’s a shame...

John Lennon singing in the background : “All you need is love...” “ There's Nowhere that you can be...that isn’t where you are meant to be, it’s easy....” Right ON!

So I’ve been back to yoga for a year now, with new understandings, in addition to the Body Psychotherapy I am doing, and now with this challenge I feel that my practice is coming from different places. Today while doing the Tree pose, Vriksasana, which usually is hard for me to balance in ( I have always had balance issues) I kept repeating a Meditation from the dear dear teacher Zen Master: Tich Nhat Hanh:

“ Breathing in, I see myself as a Mountain, breathing out , I feel solid” And I saw, in my minds eye Mount Fuji in Japan, and the more I repeated it and breathed it, the more solid and balanced and grounded my pose was and I didn’t lose it even once- I could stay there for hours! Then I went to the pool, had a swim, practicing the technique I am learning, Total Immersion, sat in the sun did a few more Yoga stretches and here I am.

So I need to give you an update of this “love” affair.

All day yesterday, until the evening, I was miserable. He went away for the weekend with his lady. I walked around with a frown. Even singing “ The Bare Nescesisities” with my Ukelele, which if I pluck up enough courage I will put on You tube for you...didn’t do much for my spirits. All day my mind was filled with two words:

Reaction versus Creation. First, wow, I realized that they are made with exactly the same letters! :- ))

And I notice, when I am in Reaction to him, to life, to anything, I am a victim, I have lost my center, I have no grounding whatsoever. And when I am in Creation, well that says it all doesn’t it?
I am empowered I feel strong, I LOVE MYSELF, I trust my instincts, everything is good , all is Well in my world. I can write , I can paint, I can talk to my friends, contribute to the world...everything is possible! I have choice. I am a Queen , like India Arie sings, I am a Lioness! (I am a Leo! )

Later, my power began returning. I took my Mom out for dinner. She is 84 with her memory not what it used to be, she repeats herself a lot. But one thing I can tell you - when she is present she is present, it’s almost funny to notice. Everything is new to her. She remembers little details of things that happened to her when she was twenty. We talked about her love affair with my Dad, who was married when she met him. He moved out a short while after they met, but, it took him three years to get a divorce! And we’re talking the 1950’s here folks. So, finally she said, either-or, and well, I am proof that he made a choice!

So, this guy has to make a move. No more Free Hugs here man! This time ...I am going to keep my promise to dear Yaeli, and not betray her anymore, or leave her/me again. George Harrison is singing:
“..Something in the things she shows me....I don’t want to leave her now, you know I believe and HOW......du to do do , doo doo dummmmm.”!

Amen

I'm Weak..or Am I? - day 10

2010-06-18T01:44:00.000-07:00

photo credit my friiend from Holland , artist Morea van t Hullenaar find her @mokusa on twitter

I'm weak

Judgment Jackal

A Hug, a hug a hug
Hugs are so tempting.

Am I weak?
My heart's there
My thoughts are there
So what if my body is or isn't there, so what?
And yet

Trying to disconnect
He keeps coming back, saying
I can't not talk to you, hear your voice, your laughter
Mail you, text you.

So, here I am, looking at needs that would be met in a balanced, loving relationship - not to mention , open one

TRUST
Affection
Intimacy
Sexual expression (yes!)
Harmony
Attention
Warmth - absolutely, alot of it
Friendship (YES!)
Closeness
Tenderness (love me tender, love me true)
Empathy (how did I forget that one?)
A mutual Vision, meaning
Happiness- to be in a state of happiness is our birthright, I believe that. And we're doing the world a big service, by being happy. It's contagious

Respect
Acceptance
Wow, so many needs could and would be met in the right relationship - with the right man. And they all spell out the word- LOVE

Watching my thoughts. My body. Levels of discomfort. Of comfort. Body tense? No good for Yael. Body relaxed? Good for Yael. It's as simple as that
.It's like all my life I am looking, searching for the key, and it's right here, under my nose. Under my head (-:

Last night, he came by. Called to ask, could he please have a hug. And he meant it, to my surprise. It was me who led the way to the bedroom, not that there was any objection on his part. How could there be? But after a few minutes, a deep , long long gaze into my eyes: I really came just for a hug, your hug. Why is that hard for me to believe?

I want to call the shots here, stay connected to myself, not be led...

I'm completely transparent, To anyone reading this, but mostly to him. He notices every breath I take, every in-breath and out breath, giving them meaning, asking, are you frustrated, dissatisfied? He notices it all, like I'm his object of meditation. Even through the cell phone he can tell where I am, by my reactions, my silence...I'm so vulnerable! It's just so much easier to do this on my own! Or is it? When I was very young, in my 20's I read in some book on Astrology that the most important transformational work we can do is with a partner. And I believe that.

It's the 400 word mark now Why did Bindu ask us to write 800 words? Yesterday (a little comic relief here folks ) my son says, as I am telling about this challenge to his Dad, " That's easy! Who's gonna know if you did it or not?!?" It's not school, Tomi! I answer him, we laugh together.
Well I think I know...whenever I meet that 400 word mark, I know the rest is gonna flow out, and bring with it alot more.

So, This Man is my reality, now. He is my meditation, my response, the way I feel, everything is highlighted. I am in relation to some one. It is a challenge, an opportunity. I can't hide, where could I go?
Just read this from Jackie Walker a fellow challenge member:

"If I’m being true to myself and exploring new things, as long as I feel peace in my heart, I’ll continue. If I feel that something isn’t congruent to my peace, I stop.

So here's the thing: when we agreed to disconnect for awhile, till he moves out, which he says he is planning to do at the end of July, I was at peace. Then he re- appears for the hug, boom, peace is out the door. Now don't get me wrong. When he's here I am at peace, I feel comfortable, when he goes and stories start to flood, did I didn't I , should I shouldn't I. Then the trouble begins. Notice that. Whenever I need to choose a course of action, even yesterday I noticed it with a friend. So hard for me to choose, what is right??

Breath. Notice.What else is there to do, not try to rush in and fix it. Move it. To change it. It's called self-empathy, or mindfulness. Just be with it.

Yesterday I bought five books, four of them translations, at a sale at the local book store. I came in wanting to buy just " Goddesses In Everywoman" by Jean Shinoda Bolen. A book by a therapist about how the Goddesses' archetypes live in each of us. Came out with "Anne Frank- A Diary of a Young Girl" been meaning to read that again, Tom Sawyer, The Wise Heart, by Jack Kornfield, and an Israeli Original, by Etgar Keret. short stories

I opened The Wise Heart in the place where he talks about how Dian Fossey and her predecessor managed to learn so much about the gorillas, where others before them had failed. And do you know why? Because the previous scientists came in with guns, with an aggressive energy and the gorillas felt it. Fossey came in quietly, gently, bowing her head in humility, respect. And just sat, and listened and slowly but surely, they let her in, let her become part of the family.

Be gentle to yourself, Yael. Kind. Show your own self, soul some humility, mercy, and respect. But mostly BE.

It's Friday..need to shop, organize , clean, go to the pool later. Relax. Later dear people.
..

"Love is a story told to a friend...it's second hand..."Joni Mitchell - Day 9

2010-06-17T03:04:00.000-07:00

I was on a roll yesterday writing two posts. Today started off ok .Went from a great yoga class in the morning to a meeting with a fellow practitioner who turns out has been studying women's gender studies at University, whilst raising 3 kids. She didn't mention her husband at all and finally it came out that she is not happy there .Sigh. But I still felt empowered, glad I had made my decision, the master or rather mistress of my own destiny.

Then as the day wore on I became progressively more tired. Tasks that have been put off all these last days of confusion needed doing, papers filed( still not done), accountant contacted, kid's Giraffe language class evaluations , then to my Mom's for lunch with the kids ( she's 84 and old but still aware of what's going on and has her views :-) I told her about my short affair. She pointed out something which I chose not to think about before. If this is what he's doing to HER, he could do the same to you in a few years. Why do you need this?

So, what's left? Practice mindfullness on this whole thing, I mean, God what else can I do? Everytime I close my eyes I see his face. I open them take a deep breath and say: THINKING, and carry on. And then again and again and again. Just notice..

And thoughts keep coming at me.

I'm tired , all I want is to sleep. The thought " how could I be so dumb?!" comes. Major judgement Jackal raising his head. Really, I just didn't expect to like him so much, to be swept off my feet! Or maybe I did? Byron Katie says:" What you have is what you need and it is also what you want" How do I eat that?

And what do I want? A big kinda love, one that laughs hugs, alot of touch, fights gets angry, forgives cries, rolls around, sees places together, goes to movies, eats great food, one that uses all the senses, and just experiences life at it's fullest, richest - lives! Is aware, is wanting to be more aware, happier, to use life as Ram Dass puts it : Grist for the Mill. (thank you brother Yuval for introducing me to him 25 years ago)

And mostly, I just want to be happy to wake up together and go to sleep peacefully, with no doubt in my heart, with a man I love...

A man who enjoys life and wants to live it every moment, not getting up to go to a job he hates and has been wanting to get out of for years, but instead, plays it safe..and plays it safe in a relationship that doesn't meet his needs anymore. (Did you read that? You know who you are..)Sorry this was written with anger and bitterness in my heart...

Enough.

Tomorrow morning is still you people-in- other- lands evening so I will write tomorrow, and hopefully start getting on track of my life again..my business my work, my vision, my aspirations, Yallah as we say, here in the Middle East let's go!!

It's the next morning. Went to sleep heavily, forgot again to do a Gratitude list and a list of things I did differently, like my therapist suggests. Even if it's a small thing give it acknowledgment, she says, it's like harvesting, little by little. I have such a tendency to see what's wrong! Like my friend and soul sister Sara says....this whole experience has come to show you that it IS possible to find someone who suits you just fine...it's still kind of hard for me to see it in that way. So I woke up groggy, tightness in my shoulders (Anne Catherine my Yoga teacher, said yesterday they were like stone) but started to move the day. I am thankful I have these kids to get up to...

Did 10 minutes "sitting" watching my thoughts, then another ten handwriting, then off to school.

And now I am looking at what I wrote and wondering to myself what is relevant to this blog, to you out there, because I still want so much to be useful in some way.

When I review my life I have always written. Pages upon pages. Writing comforts me, particularly hand writing does it for me, but not only- as I am finding in this challenge..... It soothes. comforts, heals, releases, it's something which is always there, always available, I don't need to go anywhere or make an appointment. Wow, now that's a resource. I even used my lists and notebooks in the last piece I created in a group show , of 100 Israeli women artists who were each given a mannequin , and asked to dress it with her feelings about feminism, and/or their own personal journey. So you can see my contribution here and here. (Please use zoom to see the details) I took old notebooks, lists, of every kind that I saved and papier mached them all, covering her from head to toe, and then making a Mask, headdress, all from my words. In the back is her papier-mached brain, and the skull made from my metalwork. It's quite a complicated piece..like me, and not so easily "read" so maybe it doesn't really communicate so well. Actually, it got lost amongst the colorful crowd around me. I called it: " Same Old Yael, Older Body" , written on the neckpiece she is wearing, made of brass wire and on her Headress - " Does Anyone Really Change?

That's all for now...love to all. Enjoy

So, it's over....Day 8

2010-06-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

So, it's over.

This thing was building up for a couple of months or more. Courting me through Facebook chat, gmail, and then suddenly, even though I said no a couple of times, suddenly it exploded, phone calls, text messages, e-mails and three explosive meetings, full of emotion and intensity, and heavenly sex and a feeling of connection I had never experienced before. Yesterday my appetite was gone completely. I barely slept for a few days.

And now. Silence.

I woke up heavy with a heavy heart, went to my therapy session, you read about this before, and decided to talk with him. And ASK...what are your intentions regarding me. Am I a just a fling for you, or do you see in your vision being with me, in some reasonable time frame. Understand...he said, I can't make any drastic moves in my life now, my Mom has cancer I'm inundated with things at work and family ... I said straight away: these are all excuses, you just don't want to move from your comfort zone. You have a nice home (even though it's HERS) everything is nice and comfy. So, you just thought , mmmm I'll have a nice little fling here? Well his answers could've been taken from some third grade pulp fiction...So I won't even repeat it here, I respect my readers too much. What do you want he asked? I want a partner, in an aware relationship, a present one, I won't BE with someone in this manner, no matter how IN LOVE I felt. I felt my body shake when I said to him, if you can't leave a situation where you're not happy for a long time and live with integrity, then you're not the man for me in any case. I am living my truth. My body was shaking as I said this, oops I wrote this twice...it was strong.

I should know because I did live a lie for a long while. I was living with a man who I couldn't come near to sexually and mostly denied that part of me, which was, let's face it, easy to do when you have twins, and you're breastfeeding them for three years, After that and until I left my husband , the kids were home-schooled. All this went on till that fateful class re-union back in 2005. Just a few days earlier I had found out my Hemoglobin was so low that I needed IV of Iron for three weeks, twice a week. I was soooooooooo tired and drained in every sense.

And then came this re-union, and a guy who had always had a crush on me when we were little...it was immediate, like fire. And it went on for nine months. Towards the end of that period, actually through almost all that time., I felt terrible about lying. I was scared. I was afraid ...but at one point my inner truth was stronger and I confronted my husband . In the beginning I said I want an open marriage, and then the truth came out. I'm very lucky to have been married to a man who was a gentleman through the whole process...He said: If you don't leave him then we must part. So I said OK, lets...

I want you to understand that this was all after trying so many times to get him to come to therapy with me. Only when someone else showed up did he agree. But it was too late...and it had been too late for a long time. So I found an apartment and four months later, I took the kids and moved to another town, sent them to school (an alternative one, but still a school) and started my journey. Oh yeah, the affair ended when I realized the man wasn't following...so I was left, alone.

And now, physically alone at that. With two kids aged five and a half. It became the most stressful time of my life. My blood pressure went up, my period stopped, and I had a couple of bad relationships, one with a psychpath and the other just pretty screwed up. Went to "normal" therapy, and then, thinking I want to finally live a dream of becoming a therapist, found the Body Psychotherapy called Biosynthesis, which I am studying and experiencing as well. So now I've sent my now ex-lover home to Mama, and to therapy, and said that until he decides to leave her, we won't meet again. And that's it. Didn't have time to even grieve, because I had to pick up my kids from school.

Tears don't come easily to me...they were suppressed for a very long time. I fell in love, I did, it was something so powerful...maybe I should've hung on a little more? Maybe he would've become attached to me and then left her???

God, can you PLLEEEASE send me a worthy, loving, handsome, just right kinda guy for me? I want to continue my journey hand in hand....

Off to carpool the kids....see you all good souls later...

"He comes for conversation..." Day 7

2010-06-15T01:22:00.000-07:00

"He comes for conversation, I comfort him sometimes...comfort and consultation, he knows , that's what he'll find..."

Joni Mitchell

I am so, so tired- This has been the most emotionally nerve- wracking week of my life...from an incredible high with myself, because I was feeling so happy with my work and the emerging of new things, to this emotional entanglement. Well, my friend Michah, an old friend of 30 years and a guy...says I should THANK this man for:

a. giving me material to write in this challenge and

b. (and more importantly) to show me where I am exactly in my life..He's a mirror, and that's true, I mean, if I believe that all experiences and people mirror where we are in life , with our-selves, then baby, this is no exception. So thank you, you out there who is reading this blog everyday and is in direct connection to my soul. Also, he said that I should dump him, and the sooner the better! (And as I read in my comments, so say some of you...:-) )

I have never never felt this way. Everything resonates, the voice , the touch the laugh, the intensity of the gaze. And then a voice says...what do you know about this man? How he handles his finances, how truthful is he?( Not to mention what kind of music he likes...) Michah says if he is living with a woman he has no more connection with and is continuing to live with her, then he is OUT OF TOUCH with his feelings and that I should get out, and immediately, otherwise I am in for some big big hurt. He's got experience with that. And yes , I agree. I need to ask my-self and look at where I am and what I want.

How available am I for a relationship?

I am seperated for almost four years and have not yet been able to finalize my divorce.Yes , I left my husband physically, but have found it incredibly hard to sign the papers. Saying, maybe I should give up my quest, to find the mate of my dreams and just go back to him. He's a nice man, he was always devoted to me and still is, but there was so much missing there on the emotional and physical level. I have no impulse to go back, so why don't I just close that chapter, complete that circle, and move on? Scared to.

It's 7 am I have to get in the car and go to Tel Aviv, the big city where I resided for 18 years, and left four years ago when I left my husband. I am a little behind in my writing. Well I had to sleep for a change! It's off to my therapy session, which is a Godsend as far as I'm concerned now.Will continue later.

I'm in a cafe in Tel Aviv opposite my therapist's clinic. Things I wanted to write yesterday came to mind. For example, my aloneness. I have been alone all my life. Sure, I have friends , I was married for 13 years, I have two beautiful amazing children, a mother. and yet a feeling of alone- ness is all pervading, there always. Images of myself alone, age 7 sitting in my bedroomn in the States with my Danny Kaye records telling stories,(Hans Christian Anderson), dancing and singing in the livingroom to Peter Paul and Mary, and the only Israeli record I knew at that time. Daydreaming in the backyard...alot of alone, suddenly come back.

So what's different? Maybe this is the way I was meant to be , to spend my life in solitude. According to alot of theories , if we were left alone as babies, this a pattern embedded in us at a very very early age and it's something we learn to re-create agin and again ( God I really must learn to type faster).

Dr. William Sears who's Baby Book was my Bible when the twins were born, said : Needs that are met at the right time, allow the child to move on to the next developmental stage, in a healthy way. Needs that are not met, can never be replaced later on.: (Paraphrasing here.) Well I believed that until I encountered the system of therapy I am in. We CAN learn, or re-learn our capacity to trust, to be in true connection with someone. It's possible, through our bodies, on a cellular level.

I have to sign off again...therapy's about to begin. How lucky am I? To have this challenge, to have my therapist, to have him....who's making me write! And to you lovely ladies who have been reading and commenting. Gratitude, really. later

Out from therapy. Orna, my therapist says what she's hearing from me is two things:

1. I am trying , perhaps too hard and too fast, to give myself answers and to label things. As in: "I'm not available for a relationship..and this is why it's happening!". With an exclamation mark. Stuff like that...but it is much deeper than that.

2. From my descriptions of the way I interacted with my friend, asking her to hold me, asking for her time...she notices that what I truly want is to be close, to be HELD, to BE with someone...in every sense of the word. Ahhhh The recognition of that brought on alot of tears. And mainly, I need to rest

See you all later.

Am I any closer to ME? - challenge day 6

2010-06-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

A Yael or Ibex, in the Israeli Negev Desert

Now I'm angry and jealous, too.

And I just read this which didn't make me feel any better - from another blog on the challenge - quoted from Eat Pray Love

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

Is this what is happening to me? Well I already quoted Joni- didn't I? Just as I was about to surrender completely to the experience...and just beginning to feel trust, boom, something hits me in the face. Jealousy...all he said was that he's in Tel Aviv on a fashionable avenue , looking at chics as he drives by and that he loves looking at chics and boom I'm hit like a stone..well I wanted to say , hey I love looking at chics too, but I didn't because the next thing you know I'll be hearing an offer to do a threesome. Men are so into that fantasy, aren't they.

So yeah - I feel sad now I feel on a roller coaster ride - and what has happened to my focus? God. I thought I had evolved - I thought I was over men who were in a worse condition than me, I thought I had met an equal!

I wish I had something else to write about, I am hitting myself over the head and nothing nothing will help...no Byron Katie or anything. I am tired- that is the truth. And when you're tired everything seems wrong. I need a break, I have to sleep tonight I just have to. Will continue this later, no one said it has to be written in one sitting, right? Barely through and I feel like I am trudging through. Want to be smart and useful and inspired like all the cool ladies and a couple of guys on this challenge.

Here I am it's almost 2 am and I am awake again...well one thing is clear. Since this affair has begun I am not sleeping at night, and I think that says it all. I went to sleep at 10 o clock and woke up at 1am and that's it...3 hours sleep, that's just not enough!

Let's look at what's happening here...until I met him I was having a great week, I did two evenings on Empathy, was sleeping (well almost) every night. My friend Gila is right - I must know what I want, If I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who's tied to someone else then that's what I need to do! No one can live my life for me, unfortunately, sometimes I feel. Like I said while I got a warm warm hug from her ( she's 7 months pregnant with her third child and quite big): Can I get into your womb for awhile? And seriously this is how I often feel. Just someone take care of me again, please! Somehow I think that this challenge and all this writing may lead to something...

Today while I was at my daughter Yasmin's riding class, I spoke to him on the phone. Now normally I'll be watching her class, 'cause it's important to her and to me. Quality time. So I'm talking to him and noticing, I am not at ease. When will I see you again..he asks. How about tomorrow afternoon I can cut out of work early and come over, he says. An afternoon with the lover... Aagh already I begin to feel uncomfortable. And what about that dream I had last week, where it was clear, I don't want to be hidden from sight! I don't want to be someone's affair! What I'm more worried about with this thing, is that again, I am looking outside of myself for the answer. Wake up , girl it's just not going to happen!

I am working hard, so hard in my life, to become more aware, more in touch with my feelings, and to act upon them. And here I am letting that slip away...and for what? To get some loving attention from someone, it seems. I say that to myself as if it's a small thing. I am yearning for it. I haven't really been in a real relationship with someone for years, perhaps never, because my marriage was with a man who is incapable, who was far more out of touch with himself and me.

Somewhere along the line, in my first relationship, with my mother, I mean, trust was broken. And it must have been at a very young age, and over some time, for me to learn that I can't find it. And now, through therapy I am trying to get in touch with, and re-create that trust. and I believe that it's possible, otherwise, why would I be spending so much time and energy there?

Wow, I suddenly realized I am well past the 800 word mark ( do quotes count?)

Am I any closer to ME?

to be continued and that's a promise to my-self and to you.

From the Mouths of Babes...

2010-06-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

"When I do something I don't want to, my heart hurts" - Yasmin aged ten.

I'm already so goddamn miserable! Why? I can't seem to put a finger on it.
Thoughts-I shouldn't have slept with him, I compromised, I did something against my will and now I'll pay for it, now that I've slept with him he'll disappear, he didn't like my house, he saw all the flaws,in my kitchen , my bathroom, my bedroom, the hair I didn't remove from my legs (well I am kind of practically hairless. I'm thinking negative negative negative. I talked too much, he didn't like the Biosynthesis talk, I scared him off, But mainly- " I shouldn't have slept with him so fast" that's the thought that's giving me hell!
Well, lets "Work" it Byron Katie style:

"I shouldn't have slept with him so fast" -
1. Is that true?
Yes! I know it! I'm positive of it - based on the fact that I am barely hearing from him, and it's the weekend, I know he's at home with his lady, but still...
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true, a hundred percent, that you shouldn't have slept with him?
thoughts that come up, while letting that question sink:
He's amazing, he's everything I've always wanted...so the answer is , I guess I'm not so sure...
3. How do I feel, what happens to me , when I think that thought?
I'm in hell, complete Hell! My mood goes way way down, I walk around with a frown on my face, I lose focus, I am totally NOT in the present moment, re-screening every scene again and again, there's fear arising. And worst of all, there's this pain in my heart - just like my daughter said when I dragged her (well, not literally!) back to her room to fix the mess she had made- " Quote above. God those two kids are WISE, in touch with their feelings...well at least I can pat myself on the back here...good job, Yael.
Suddenly I'm thinking maybe the real sentence to do The Work on, is, I didn't want to sleep with him, is THAT true?mmm - still, let's finish this one first.
Question number four: Who would I be, How would I be without that thought? 'Cause with it, I'm in hell. Without it, let me see. ( Katie guides us to SIT with the question for a moment, so I'm sitting, at the pool, actually)
Sigh, well I think I'd be PRESENT, definitely not in Hell, this self inflicted burning inferno, not Heaven - which is the other side of Hell. Remembering my hero John Lennon...."Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try, no Hell below us, above us only sky..." Looking up now through the trees at the sky, so expansive, so big!

Looking down - and around, I notice people around me at the pool, and noticing that I find women's bodies so much more beautiful and appealing than most of the men, they're such hairy beasts! Except my new man who has hair in just the right amount...and there he is, back in my head!

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Heaven and Hell

Now the Turnaround If you're not familiar with "The Work", this is the part where after you've questioned and inquired into the truth about your thoughts, you get to start exploring the infinite possibilities, by turning the original statement around:
Here goes:
" I shouldn't have slept with him, so fast""- turns into:
I should have slept with him (when I did). Now three possible reasons why that's true:
1. Because my body was saying YES to it. Every time he hugged me my first chakra would basically MOVE, even remembering that I still feel it!
2. Because I did. That's reality. It happened. And if I'm not under the illusion that "I" control everything I do, then I'm much more forgiving, accepting of myself, what a relief..
3. Because I am in love, and that's natural, girl, and now I feel my heart now, but softer...

Well, after writing all that down (on paper first btw) I feel MUCH better! This "Work" is like magic- as Katie puts it : it's the fast track to end your own suffering - but not in a cheap way, it's mindful it's self accepting, and I highly recommend it when you find a thought is not letting you BE.

So, I feel better, I had a swim in the pool with my kids, Yasmin and Tom who you'll no doubt be hearing about in the days to come.

And still, I can't get him out of my head: His lips, his tattoo, on that tanned shoulder, the way he laughs and the way he looks straight into my eyes , so close, noses colliding, and then you see only one eye...remember this? I used to love doing this as a kid - Imagining him here with me at the pool. But where is he? With his lady.
To be continued-

"Help me! I think I'm Falling in Love Again..." - day 4

2010-06-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

"Help me! I think I'm Falling in Love Again..." Haven't thought of that Joni Mitchell song for years! Maybe because I haven't fallen in love like this for years, or for a very long time for that matter...and it' s not, I say NOT the beer I had! If I had taken Ecstasy I'd be worried, 'cause that put me into situations that were Hard to get out of in the past...)-:

Started writing this hours ago..and broke off to go do Savasana, shopping, and get on with my day. I am exhausted. I haven't experienced excitement like this in a long time...I was so happy. I cried. Real big cry. Strangely,it was crying like the last affair ended, so why am I crying when something's beginning? I never met someone so right before, right for me.Was it the beer? One beer? No it couldn't have been . This guy has been trying to meet me for a couple of months already. Let's have coffee, when can we meet?

Ugh, I can't even continue writing I'm so tired and my kids need picking up from school in about 10 minutes so I'll just say that I COMPROMISED again ladies. Am I being too hard on myself?

Probably...I'll continue with this later.

Later has come...and there's no choice , if I want to continue with this challenge, but to write the story.It's not really a story and I am no storyteller, and it sounds suddenly so regular - so nothing special. Why do I feel shame when I tell this?

So off I went to meet him. Actually it was better, because the early evening drink was further away and in the evening we met at a bistro near my home. This is someone I knew when I was 16, not really well, but moving around more or less in the same circles in high school. And then he contacted me through Facebook. So we're talking, 30 years since I saw him...and his picture on FB was not that clear...and of course it was hard to assess , would or wouldn't I feel attracted..what are his eyes like? I walk down to this place , twilight, he's sitting outside, it's hot, very hot the last couple of days here in Israel. He sees me, gets up..he's tall he's good looking (at least to me) not in any movie star kind of way, but I notice I like his lips , his smile, and he's very nervous , just like me. He's 50 and I will be next year and both of us are like 16 year olds. He orders a beer, yeah I love .beer, why not? We begin to talk we gaze into each other's eyes.

Right now as I am writing this , Pink Floyd is playing somewher in the background..."Remember when you were young, you shone like the Sun...Shine on you crazy Diamond. ..."

Am I hopelessly romantic? Was I taken, just swept away because of my need to be held , seen, listened to? You can tell this is moving in a a not so happy direction. Right?

We had a beer and ate, it was lovely I was wearing a blue shirt that really compliments my eyes, with a gorgeous silk Indian scarf with turqoises and blues, gorgeous. A lovely setting...and then it becomes time to go. We've had a great conversation, I feel very comfortable, saying to myself, wow, I've never felt so at ease with a man .He's even been in Therapy! My dream man! He's aware, he's meditating he's asking about my Yoga practice I tell him about this challenge...

He walks me home it's all so romantic, we laugh, on the way he suddenly grabs me and gives me this most amazing, engulfing, all encompassing (am I exagerrating here? ) hug! What a hug, what sweetness! Lips meet, wow I am swept I tell you swept! Laughing, happy , Gosh this week has been going so well for me!

Did I mention he's in a relationship, people? I was reluctant to meet him because of this and had forboding dreams about it in the beginning of the week- but those e--mails those talks on the phone! I just loved what I heard.

He walked me home, a few more hugs and off he went. I'm in love , I say to myself!

" "Help me, I think I'm falling, in Love too fast, it gets me hoping for the future and worrying about the past" Joni joni , don't you just have a way with words..." cause I've seen some hot hot blazes come down to smoke and ash..."

I was so excited, I couldn't fall asleep.

Tossed turned and tossed, a good night chat with him...tossed and turned , fell asleep woke up again at 3 am and that's the last I slept that night, and if any of you saw my tweets, well, maybe you did because most of you are still awake at your side of the world. Then my friend Inbal who's on the other side of the globe too gets on the chat, she's in Costa Rica with her family..and I tell her I'm in love and I burst into tears ! I won't keep you in suspense, and I'll fast forward to this morning...he's been mountain bike riding (rugged, yes) and me doing my thing, tomorrow is Sabbath everything is closed, he comes over and as much as I am reluctant too, but my body wants too - it's clear, we get into bed. Together. And it's sweet, if my head wasn't getting in the way! I'M FULL OF SELF JUDGMENTS ABOUT ME.....it's painful, and it got much worse, as my fatigue got worse. To add to that I heard nothing from him for four hours, and already I'm saying to myself : You see?? You compromised and this is what happens...

Is that my Mom's voice or me? To be continued...
p.s.Just noticed today's subject was Fear, well isn't it just all about fear, my fear of a relationship?Sigh

I can't believe this I've been stood up!-challenge day 3

2010-06-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this I've been stood up! Well not really, because it was an emergency and he had to go see to his ailing Mom, but still talk about disappointment!

This has been a crazy day, such a build-up, wind-up any name you can think of. Woke up at 430 am and couldn't fall back asleep so went to write my 800 words which turned into 850...and enjoyed it thoroughly.

Bummer! Would've gone to another Yoga class at 1815 but missed it because of this drink that didn't happen. Man!! (my daughter aged 10 loves to say that)..well that kinda softens my heart when I think of her. Whenever I think of Yasmin and Tom, my twins, my heart softens , I bet it does for you Moms too!

Ok so where was I. Blah, I don't feel inspired to write now. Yesterday I was riding on a cloud 'cause I had just come back from giving a talk on Empathy to a group of horseback riding trainers. What a fantastic bunch! All in their 20's. I tell you - there is, there IS a shift in consciousness (I'll never get the spelling of that word right, thank God for spelling check!) So, yes. there is a shift and why am I saying this, it's because, when I asked. what is Empathy to them, almost all of them came up with beautiful answers. One girl said that when you empathize with someone you help that person find within him/herself that certain feeling or quality. It is a gift

...

Ah, sinking feeling now in my heart. All day I was excited, tired, day dreaming, you name it, waiting for this date, even went to get my eyebrows plucked so I could be prettier. So what now? I'm going back to reading the diary of Etty Hillesum, a young Jewish Dutch woman who wrote her diary in the midst of World War 2, and guess what she was writing about? Not about politics, but about her own personal journey, her own self development...it's fascinating. Yes that's it I'm going to read more and get back to writing this later...Bye (about 400 words left
...)

Oh bother, oh brother who can read at a time like this and a fairly heavy diary at that! What am I a masochist? Well in a sense , yes, Here I was , or here I am about to embark on some affair, well I'm not sure because it was a first date, but there I was about to get into something which I don't know how I would get out of because sisters, he's in a relationship, this guy. And yet there's something about him, the way he listens,even through a chat or an e-mail, what a quality, how attractive is that?

Looking for photographs to add to these posts I found this one of a beautiful day at the beach in Tel Aviv, in Febuary, when I was at a Biosynthesis workshop led by the one and only Esther Frankel.

Well for many of you it means nothing, and why should it? What is Biosynthesis anyway. Body oriented psychotherapy where every conceivable and known part of us, i.e. mental, emotional, physical, in movement, standing sitting, structured points of touch, breath, all come together in therapy. For me, it's been revolutionary. You know, I've been in therapy many times, all of them great with people, who have been dear,dear guides on my path, but I am experiencing change on a cellular level here. From the perspective of biosynthesis , and not only, we were feeling absorbing people way before language came in and that means from the moment we were conceived and I mean embryology here folks.Our experiences started as minute old zigots, to the journey down the fallopian tubes , implantation in the womb, and the following weeks of development are crucial. Not to mention what was going on in Mom's life during our pregnancy, her mental, emotional well being, through our birth and early infant and childhood, and how our early needs were met, or not. As the case was with me , and many many more people .Our basic trust. Deep breath...I've become aware of my body, my energy, my grounding, or lack of in a way that I never experienced before!. My Yoga practice is different, and my levels of contentment with myself are slowly, but surely rising. I am befriending Yael, yes that's it. Making friends with who I am, expressing my Self more. which leads to moving forward with my Teaching Empathy, deciding to give myself a break from metalwork which has defined me for so long, starting to paint Mandalas, hey does Bindu know that her name is the center point and beginning of each Mandala? .S
Suddenly a phone call, and he's on his way! The date is happening folks, sisters....getting nervous and excited. Till tomorrow.....

#215800 Challenge - Day 2

2010-06-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

Well how hard is it to write with two bunny rabbits running around? Somewhere I think it was Osho who said that Rabbits are like our consciousness , our thoughts , running, jumping , (munching?) ...well It's 6 am and I have been up since 430, but still stayed in bed...excited happy, feeling a sense of joy and peace and self acceptance I have almost never experienced, contented- yes I think that's the word. Usually I wake up in a state of panic....and stress, at least it's been like that since I separated form my husband almost four years ago. Not to mention those three am panic attacks, those are the worst...in the dead of the night. Alone, Kids sleeping in the other room can be comforting, but when they're not there...it's much worse. But slowly, gradually I am beginning to be , BE, be happier with myself. And what has been creating this change? Without a doubt the therapy I doing in a system, a form of Body- Psychotherapy called Biosynthesis, which I am also training to be therapist Well first and foremost Gratitude to Dina my dear old, friend, who kept nagging me to come and study this system.

But maybe first I should tell you a little bit about myself because after all, who am I? what have I come here to do? what's been my path until now?

Born in Israel in 1961, August which just happens to be the same year and month Barack Obama was born, just a few days apart a fact that fills me with inspiration and what? Inspiration. Ok break for some coffee.
So I was born in a village or farming community called a Moshav, in Hebrew. My Dad had been trained in Agriculture , and specialized in citrus fruit, which at the that time, when the State of Israel was young, was the number one export. Jaffa Oranges were big! When he and my Mom married they moved to this farming community, built themselves a little cottage, all very romantic, except for two major drawbacks. In addition to working on his own land in his own orchards , my father travelled across Israel, guiding, teaching training other farmers how to grow citrus fruits. So my Mom, a city girl by birth, was left alone...and without a car, and was apparently very very lonely. To add insult to injury, when she was pregnant with my big brother , Yuval, my Dad spent about half a year of her pregnancy abroad, because he was off traipsing around the world working!. Well if he was alive,I would give him a piece of my mind with all the knowledge I now possess about how important the state of mind of Mom is during pregnancy...sadly, only now , when she is 84 years old, did she remember to be angry with him for this. Sigh, a moment of compassion for Mom, that's not easy to feel for her usually...
So I was born in this farming community, surrounded by orchards and to this day the smell of blooming citrus flowers just does it for me... a scent so basic and loved....
When I was half a year old my Mother had had enough of this isolation and there were probably other reasons, but they sold the place and moved closer to town. That being Tel Aviv. When I was four, my Dad decided to finish his Masters degree and we moved to California..UC, Davis, straight to the family residents of students, called Orchard Park! Though I was, apparently in a state of trauma, for the first few months, not uttering a word at the preschool I went to, I will forever be in gratitude for this move. Otherwise , would I be writing to you in English?Would my consciousness be expanded to include the ideals and ideas of the 60's? And the music that was playing in the background growing up? Bob Dylan, Peter Paul and Mary (my heroes and the first live concert I ever saw at age 7 , still sends shivers up my spine when I remember it), BEATLES! Man, when I was six, June 1967, two things happened. The Six Day War, and for me more important, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band! Friends of my parent's gave us that album upon it's release and I would listen to it in awe...scratching my name on the back where the words were, which years later helped me find that album again after it had been stolen from us at a party. Woo Hoo!)

Undoubtedly, the answer to the question somewhere above is no! And yet for years and years I spent my time bemoaning the fact that I had been moved from place to place with no say in the matter, uprooted, and that's why my life is....(you can fill in the space if you like).Today I understand that it was the lack of Empathy that made it hard. But I digress, is that the word? No it's all important, 'cause it's me, Yael writing to you today, HAPPY! IN GRATITUDE, for everything everything that I've been through, and come out alive , happy safe, and finally finally realizing my dream to Teach Empathy, with the wonderful tool called Nonviolent Communication. Whoah there, gal, you've written 850 words, and it's time to wake up the kids! See ya tomorrow!

2010-06-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

Feeling awful again
Hurting
Wanting
Needing
Empathy
Understanding. Love
Am I doing enough?
What is enough?
Wishing
Praying
Who am I fooling?
Can I
Can we
Really give ourselves empathy?
Just writing
Seems like some kind of
Self understanding
And yet,
Where am I going?

Nowhere fast...

טיפים למתן אמפתיה

2010-06-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

photo credit: Morea my friend from Holland

נכון שכשמישהו מספר לנו את סיפורו מיד עולים לנו עצות, הסברים, היית צריך... וכו'?

כל אלו טובים, אך לפני הכל, אמפתיה. לפני חינוך, עצות, פתרונות, רחמים, דעות והזדהות. הם חשובים, אך הם יכולים לחכות בשקט לתורם. קודם אמפתיה. מדוע? כי כשמישהו מרגיש שהקשיבו עד הסוף, הוא או היא הרבה יותר פתוחים לשמוע את מה שיש לכם להציע.

מהי אמפתיה
אמפתיה היא הבנה מכבדת של האחר, ושל עצמנו. לתת אמפתיה זה להיות בנוכחות מלאה עם אותו האדם, מבלי להביא את "סדר היום" שלנו. להבין אותו מנקודת מבטו .כשאני אמפתית לעצמי, אני ערה לרגשות שלי ונותנת להם מקום...

למה לנו להיות אמפתיים

הקשבה אמפתית מרפאה. היא יוצרת גשר, חיבור. היא פותחת ערוץ לדיאלוג. היא נותנת לגיטימציה לרגשות. היא יוצרת הקלה וחוסן רגשי להמשיך את החיים, ואני מאמינה שהיא תורמת ליצירת שלום ...
היא דרך לתת מענה לצרכים שונים: הכרה, קבלה, הבנה, נראות, מתן תוקף לרגשות ולחוויה שהאדם עובר.

איך נדע שקלענו בול
כשאדם חווה אמפתיה בדרך כלל אנחנו מיד מבחינים בהקלה על פניו, הגוף נהיה פחות מתוח, משהו מתרכך. הרבה פעמים משתחרר בכי, או שמחה , ומה שבטוח שבן שיחנו יענה : "כן - נכון! זה מה שאני מרגיש!

טיפ 1

להתחיל את המשפט ב: " אז את/אתה...?" אמפתיה לאחר לעולם לא יכולה להתחיל ב-אני ".

טיפ 2

שיקוף : לחזור מילה במילה על מה שהאדם השני אמר, כדי שיהיה ברור ששמעת

טיפ 3

סימן שאלה במקום נקודה בסוף משפט - עוזר ליצור דיאלוג בכך שמשאיר פתח לתשובה מהצד השני. " אז אתה עצוב כי רצית חיבוק?"

טיפ 4

? ניחוש הרגשות וצרכים של הדובר : אתה מעוצבן כי רצית לשחק עם הילד הזה

טיפ 5

להמנע מלומר: "אני מבינה,אבל " - מיד הרחקתם את בן/בת השיח שלכם - ה'אבל' שולל את כל מה שנאמר קודם

טיפ 6
גם אם לא דייקתם,המשיכו לנסות,כוון שהכוונה והגישה האמפתית חשובים ועושים את שלהם.
טיפ 7

אמפתיה יכולה להיות לא מילולית. חיבוק, מבט מגע במקום הנכון, או סתם להיות בנוכחות שקטה.

אפשר ורצוי להיות אמפתיים גם עם עצמינו: בוקר אחד הייתי לחוצה במיוחד. במקום לכעוס על עצמי, אמרתי : "אוף! אני כל כך מתוסכלת ולחוצה, אני כל כך זקוקה למרחב! " עצם ההכרה הביאה הקלה..

זיכרו: לא תמיד נוכל, לפעמים לא בא לנו ובוודאי שלא צריך להיות אמפתיים. אי אפשר לזייף אמפתיה

אימון ותרגול משפרים את היכולת שלנו. לפעמים זה נשמע מאולץ. מהניסיון האישי שלי האמפתיה עושה פלאים, ושווה את המאמץ.

איך זה בשבילכם? אשמח לשמוע מהחוויה שלכם עם אמפתיה

ההבדל בין ילדיי... ואיפה החמלה?

2010-05-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

ילדיי בני ה-10, חלו השבוע. הם תאומים, בן ובת - וחברים ממש טובים. יוצא שהם חולים הרבה יחד. למשל היום בו יצאה השן הראשונה ... הייתי לבד כמעט כל אותו יום, איך לא, והיו לי שני תינוקות על הידיים צורחים עם חום . גם באבעבועות חלו אחד אחרי השני, ואחרי כן שעלת, ובעצם כמעט כל פעם קרה שזה יוצא ביחד או סמוך מאוד. ואגב, אם חושבים על זה , זה גם כולל את הפעם הראשונה שהם הלכו , שזה כמובן לא מחלה. אגב, יש הסוברים שמחלה קודמת לקפיצה בהתפתחות.

הפעם בתי היתה ראשונה עם חום שטיפס כמעט עד ל- 40 מעלות. היא בכתה, צעקה נאנחה והיתה בלחץ מלווה בחרדות קיומיות ("אמא, את חושבת שאבריא? "), ביקשה שוב לישון איתי...מה שאתם רוצים.

החום של בני, תום, החל לטפס ביום שהחום שלה ירד, תודה לאל. מלבד עיניים שמתמלאות בדמעות מדי פעם, הוא כמעט לא מתלונן - כמו גבר...

ומה איתי? אני בהתבוננות על כמה יש בליבי חמלה. ואני מופתעת, נחרדת, לגלות שכשאני מנסה להרגיש מה קורה לי בלב, לנוכח סבלם, אני לא מרגישה כלום! משהו סגור שם. כן. בטח שאני דואגת להם. עושה כל מה שביכולתי לטפל בהם, להקל עליהם, אך משהו סגור שם.

איפה החמלה לילדיי? מה זה בכלל לחוש חמלה?

אין לי הסבר. אני יודעת שכשהיו תינוקות הייתי איתם כל כולי, נתתי את עצמי יותר ממאה אחוז. האם זה בגלל שהצרכים שלי זועקים כעת לתשומת לב? האם זה בגלל שהם בגיל שאני לא זכיתי בו להבנה רבה או חמלה? אני יודעת כמה מאמץ אני משקיעה בלתת להם את מה שאני לא קיבלתי. ובכל זאת, מה קורה פה?

אין לי תשובות.

רק עצבות.
אך לפחות , אני מציינת לעצמי, אני לא באשמה או שיפוט ...

נ.ב. המצחיק הוא שביום שכתבתי את הרשומה הזו באנגלית, בתי אמרה לי תוך כדי נסיעה: אמא, נכון שתום ואני מתנהגים אחרת לגמרי במחלה? את יודעת, אני עושה הרבה קולות ...ותום לא ממש שומעים אותו!

The difference between my two kids, and where is the compassion?

2010-05-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

My twins, aged ten now, both got ill. It happens a lot since they were born. The day her first tooth came out, he immediately followed .. .(which meant I had two screaming babies on my hands), they both walked for the first time in the first week( not an illness for sure..) Chicken pox together, well that's easy, and whooping cough, and almost everything else.

This time , my daughter got sick first with a high fever. Crying , moaning, expressing all her fears out loud..("Do you think I'll get better?), asking to sleep with me, the works.

My son, gets sick the day her fever goes down (thankfully! ). Well, he takes it mostly. like a man, stoic for the most part, just the occasional swelling of tears, but nothing like his sister.

And me? I'm noticing the different levels of compassion in me for them. It scares me sometimes to notice that I am concerned, yes, proactive in finding solutions, even scared, but I feel a kind of numbness in my heart, even something closed, so- where is the compassion?

I have no explanation for it - when they were babies I was totally there with every inch of my being. And now? Is it because some of MY denied needs are coming up and need attention? Just questions....and a sadness coming up- but at least. non-judgmental....

P.S. My daughter herself said to me after recovering, and after I had written this post : Ima, Tom and I are completely different in our illness!!!

The day I won't need to procrastinate...anything!

2010-05-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

How Frustrating!

I had a piece written in my head and then I sat at the computer, saw an e-mail by a friend and then poof it disappeared!
Well it went something like this (inspired by a post I read earlier, "just do it" it was called
Anyway here goes:

The day I won't need to procrastinate...anything

The papers that need filing
The laundry
That needs to
Be hung
taken down
out of the dryer
and folded
and put away ( that's five extra procrasts)
The skillet waiting to be cleaned
The call that is waiting to be made
The bunny box cleaned
the piece in the studio staring
me in the face every time I pass by
(to hang the laundry...)
that call again!
sigh
the kid's bag from their Dad unpacked ( another bag unpacked)
the grocery shopping! oh, that's a big one!
aaaghhh!
enough said.
Why do we need to procrastinate? What deeper need is it serving? Maybe as Byron Katie puts it, it's all a story?
meanwhile I'm still here, waiting
longing to BE
in continuous flow, moving from one thing to another
effortlessly
happily
in peace
amen

האמפתיה כל כך חמקמקה!

2010-05-22T05:15:00.000-07:00

לא קל להיות באמפתיה עם מישהו.

השבוע, בשיעור "שפת הג'ירף" שאני מלמדת בביה'ס של ילדיי, שמתי לב עד כמה , למרות שאני נמצאת בתוך התהליך הזה שנקרא תקשורת מקרבת כבר שבע שנים, עדיין, בהרבה מקרים, אני מגיבה מתוך האוטומט.

אחת הילדות בכיתה שלי ( שיש בה בסך הכל שמונה ילדים,לשמחתי), מסיבה לא ברורה לי פתאום עזבה את הכיתה, זמן קצר אחרי תחילת השיעור. היא עמדה מחוץ לדלת, ומדי פעם הכניסה את הראש , אמרה משהו לאחד הילדים, וכל מה שיכולתי להבין ממנה זו המילה 'כתום'.
בשלב מסוים הסכימה להכנס שוב לשיעור, בוכה. ניסיתי ככל יכולתי להרגיע ולהחזיר אותה. כבר למדתי שאין לי אפשרות לשהות עם כל ילד כפי שהייתי רוצה בסיטואציות כאלה, כי אז כל יתר הילדים מתחילים להתפזר...

אחרי שהסתיים השיעור היא באה אליי, עם עצב בפניה ואומרת: "מה אני אגיד לאמא כשהיא תשאל איך היה בשיעור, ולא הייתי בו חלק מהזמן?"
מיד - הדבר הראשון שיצא מפי היה: " או, אני בטוחה שאם תאמרי לה מה קרה היא תבין..." (פתרונות). היא המשיכה ללכת אחרי עד השער וחזרה ואמרה: " אך מה אני אגיד לה?...." מפניה הבנתי שהיא דואגת...

ואז צצה בראשי האפשרות של אמפתיה! ובפשטות אמרתי לה:

" את מתכוונת שאת ממש לא יודעת מה להגיד? "
" כן! " ...מתחילה הקלה בפניה
" ואת גם מודאגת שאמא לא תבין? "
" כן! " פניה נהיים חלקים.
"....את רוצה רעיון ממני? " - שוב אישור, "רוצה שאדבר איתה?"
" כן , אבל אני לא יודעת אם יש לה את המספר..."
"שאשלח לה מייל? " כן ! היא חייכה , הסתובבה ודילגה בשמחה כל הדרך חזרה לכיתה.

קסם האמפתיה עשה את שלו שוב. כל מה שעשיתי זה היה לשים סימן שאלה על ה"מובן מאליו" ושיקפתי את הרגשות שלה . בכך היתה לה את החוויה המידית שרואים אותה ומבינים אותה - לפני פתרונות וחינוך, מה שמניסיוני יוצר ריפוי וחוסן רגשי להמשיך הלאה.

אך כמה חזק הדחף לחנך, לתת פתרונות ונחמה קודם! כמה זה טבוע חזק בנו ! אני כל כך שמחה שהיא לא ויתרה - לא על עצמה ולא לי!

אז מה החוויה שלכם עם האמפתיה? אשמח לשמוע..

Empathy's such a tricky thing!

2010-05-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to do, or rather BE in empathy with someone.

Today I noticed how even though I have been in this process called Nonviolent Communication for over seven, yes, seven years, I still see how fast my automatic responses come up.

I see it best with kids, and today I had another chance to learn/experience more at school with the first and second graders I teach. A little girl in my class suddenly left the room, and despite my efforts did not want to come back, apparently something another little boy had said triggered some hurt in her.

Finally she returned, and at the end of the class, she kept repeating over and over: "What will I tell my Mom when she asks me how the class was, and I wasn't present for a part of it?"

I noticed that the first thing that came up was: " Oh I'm sure if you tell her what happened she'll understand..."( solutions...). She persisted, following me to the gate, "..but what will I say?...I'm afraid she'll be upset! "

Suddenly the 'simplest' thing came to mind: "You mean, you don't know what to say?
"Yes!" ...I see a little relief starting to come...
And you're really worried she won't understand?
"Yes!" face slowly smoothing out...
...would you like an idea from me? Positive again - Do you want me to talk to her?
"Yes! But I don't know if she has your number..."
Shall I e-mail her?
"Yes!" Suddenly she brightened up, turned and skipped away happily.

The Magic of Empathy worked again. All I did was put a question mark on the "obvious", reflecting her feelings back to her, and giving her the direct experience that she is heard - BEFORE offering a solution, this is what, in my experience, creates healing, emotional relief and strength to move on.

And yet how strong is the impulse to educate, offer solutions and consolation first! How happy I was that she didn't give up!

So, what's your experience?

Also I'd love to hear if you have any insights, and, if my little experiences contribute to you.

Six things I discovered this week (inspired by Jim Connolly's post)

2010-05-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

Six things I discovered this week (inspired by Jim Connolly's post)

1. That I am my own inner teacher.
2. That my feelings are my compass - yes it's been said to me before , but now I can actually feel it!
3. That not everyone has to love me. nor I them. (wow that's big for me...and liberating too!)
4.That so much energy springs forth from me when I speak up and say what's true for me in the moment, and I end up loving myself for it too.( BIG BONUS)
5. It's OK to say no...
6. I do make a difference to people's lives....(said with a tender recognition...)
aaaahhhhhh......

And : p.s. My friend and fellow colleague and student of Biosynthesis, Judith, said this at the end of our workshop with the beautiful and powerful teacher from Spain, Maria Del Mar:

" I discovered in this workshop that Moving On is not always Moving Forward - Sometimes.... it's Moving In..."

there's a post in me...

2010-05-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

there's a post in me

waiting to be born, yet it's still gestating in the womb

hope tomorrow will bring a new surge of creativity with it

gotta slow down on the sweets...

since Paris I can't stop!

and also the lack of sweetness in my life....well, from a particularly romantic point of view ,
you know. love

makes it even worse... reading through other people's posts

Noticing heavy serious issues, philosophical-all of which I agree with and

normally

appreciate

yet, not inspired...

it will come.

meanwhile

to bed...!

כשהתנים מיללים

2010-05-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

שבוע מוזר עבר עליי (והאמת עדיין עובר). התחיל בשבת שעברה כש'התנים' כפי שאנחנו מכנים אותם בתקשורת מקרבת, השיפוטים העצמיים וההלקאה העצמית החלו לכרסם בי. ואז ראיתי איך, כמו ילדה קטנה שננזפה, פניי נפלו, המבט ירד לרצפה כתפיי נשמטו ועצב גדול מחד, ולחץ בראש מאידך, שניהם ביחד נתנו אותותיהם.
השיח הפנימי הלך בערך כך:
מה אני עושה פה בכלל? פה, זה הפה, פה בגוף הזה, בחיים האלה, פה גדול כזה. עלו לי פחדים שמא, בסופו של דבר אסיים את ימי כמוכרת בחנות. (" לא שיש משהו לא בסדר בזה! " כמו שאמרו בסיינפלד, הסדרה האהובה עליי.) אחרי כל הרעש והצלצולים שלי...כבר אמרתי שירדתי על עצמי, נכון?

ואולי כל זה בכלל נועד כדי להביא את שני האנשים המדהימים האלה שאיתי כאן בתמונה לעולם? אולי הם ,ילדיי ומוריי, תום ויסמין, יממשו משהו, יעשו שינוי אמיתי בעולם? כן, אולי זה זה, אולי אני כבר רוצה להרגיש סוף סוף סיפוק מעשייה, עשייה משמעותית שמשנה למישהו משהו. (אופס יש םה המון כפילויות...כנראה אני באמת מתכוונת לזה!) פתאום, באופן ספונטני - התחלתי לתת אמפתיה לקול הזה,לתנית שלי, וזה נשמע בערך כך:

תנית שלי (להלן ת'ש): אף פעם לא תגיעי לשומקום, הזמן טס, ומה השגת?

עצמי: אז את ממש בדאון, אה?

ת'ש : דההה! (תנית אינית) תראי אותך, בולעת וופלים כאלו אין מחר, גם כשאת לא רעבה, מה זה?

עצמי : אולי...כי היית רוצה קצת יותר כבוד לגוף שלך?

ת'ש: גם! תראי איך את מתנהגת איתו! האזניים שלך מציקות לך כבר שבועות, ואת לא הולכת לראות רופא, ומה עם האצבע הקטנה שלך, שזועקת, פשוט זועקת לעזרה? למה את ממשיכה לבחור לחיות בכאב? נראה שאת מענישה את עצמך, היית מתנהגת ככה למישהו אחר?

עצמי (אנחה...) שומעת אותך, אחותי. ובעיקר, אני שמה לב שאת מאוד, מאוד עייפה...

ת'ש: (מפהקת) כן...מאוד....אולי אני אתפוס שינה קצרה, ודברים ייראו אחרת אחר כך...

עצמי: רעיון מעולה, לכי על זה. בינתיים, חיבוק.

לא יודעת אם הסשן הקצר הזה שינה הרבה, (הוא אמיתי, אגב..) אך קרו כאן שני דברים: אם שמים לב 'עצמי' לא באה עם פתרונות, היא רק הקשיבה ושיקפה את הרגשות והצרכים של תנית, ושנית, כאשר משתחררת אנחה, זה סימן שיש הקלה, יש שחרור של אנרגיה והתחברות, אולי לצורך קצת יותר עמוק ובסיסי. כמו במקרה הזה, מנוחה.

איך נשמע לכם? מעניין אותי לדעת אם מאולץ או לא?

זהו. מישהו כתב איפהשהו השבוע שמארס השתולל לו במפה הקוסמולוגית אסטרולוגית, אך זה לא התחום שלי, וכל מה שנותר לי זה להמשיך ...

Things that scare me (inspired by fear.less)

2010-05-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

Losing my children
Being alone for the rest of my life
Saying what I feel and think out loud
Expressing anger
Not having choice
In how to live
Having too much choice
Choosing
Ending up as a salesgirl somewhere
which is the other way around from everybody else
-who I don't know

Never ever having someone to cuddle next to and sleep like a baby with ever

Is that enough?

Ah, and of course, publishing this

Good Night fears..see you in the morning, please don't bother me at night.

To Suffer Creatively

2010-04-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

This is not my idea..and I don't remember who said it. Right now, though it seems like a good idea since I'm suffering anyway, I might as well be creative, right?

Basically I have that BIG question again in my head. Why, will someone please tell me , am I still here? In this world , on this plane? Earlier, I thought, maybe it's all so I could bring these two beautiful people into the world and THEY will be able to fulfill something and make a difference. Yes I guess that's it , I desperately want to make a difference, and a living while I'm doing it. And that's not happening , at least not yet...but I know I am pretty fed up, waiting...

Well since I'm here and maybe you are too, I'll slip in some Empathy to my-self , after being a little unpleasant to my -self all day:

Me : You'll never get anywhere or do anything, time's rushing by, and what have you achieved?!

Self: So it sounds like you're pretty down, eh?

Me: You bet I am, just look at you! Been pushing chocalate waffles down, when you're not hungry, what's that?

Self : Sounds like you really want some self-respect...and to take care of yourself in a more concious way

Me: That too! What's with how you're treating your body? You need to see an ear doctor, and that poor little toe of yours , screaming for help! Why, oh why are you continuosly choosing to live in pain? It looks like you're punishing yourself for something! I mean would you treat anyone else like this?

Self : (sigh.....) I hear you. You're hurting....and mostly I notice that you're very very tired...

Me: (Yawning), yes...very...maybe I'll have a little nap and things will look a little better later.

Self : sounds good to me, go for it....hug

I'm not sure this little empathy session will change a lot but, (yawn) I'll let you know .....
:

Empathy - The Missing Link

2010-04-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

When talking about parenting with Nonviolent Communication, many parents I work with ask me - what about boundaries? What about right and wrong? How will I ever teach my child to behave?

I'd like to reassure you. No one is taking any of that away from you. We all have values which we think are important to pass on. The question is, not what our message is, but how we say it and more importantly, how will our child receive it? I mean. lets face it folks - how many times have we talked and talked at our child and all we get in response is this far away look and silence? Did our message get through? I doubt it. If anything did get through it's the sound, the vibration, the tone of our voice which can be, in these instances, a little harsh. That won't open our kids' hearts and minds to hearing us, I can bet you that.

So what's missing? Empathy. Let me give you a little example:

The other day Tom, my 10 year old son, and, as I like to call him, my personal Guru (yes, that's him in that photo) had that faraway. glazed look, while I was ranting about something, I can't even remember what. Fortunately for both of us, I suddenly noticed what was going on and said:

Tom, you don't like what you're hearing now, right?
Well.....yeah Ima (Mom in Hebrew)
And I'm guessing that it's not what I'm saying, as much as how ?
Yeah!

Now I got his attention! Tom experienced being seen and acknowledged, we made eye contact, I became softer and we had a laugh. Then I could take a moment to look inside and connect with what I was needing in this situation, and say it the way Nonviolent Communication offers us. My needs of communication, dialogue and understanding were met. Not to mention that it changed the mood completely, and I was heard!

That's the magic of Empathy, the missing link. Before educating - we make a connection.

So if Empathy's so great, why can't we always be empathic?

That's in my next post. Till then -try it and let me know how it works for you!

When we keep repeating ourselves over and over...

2010-04-22T03:14:00.000-07:00

Remember those record's from the old days? And those grooves the needle would get caught in whenever there was the slightest scratch - and which, until we would gently lift it would just repeat the same music over and over? That was really annoying, right?

So, today, we don't use those records anymore but our habits, particularly of repeating ourselves over and over, reacting in the same automatic ways and wanting to be "right"; These habits are, how shall I put it, lagging behind technology?

Do these re-actions bring us any closer to getting our deeper needs met? Probably not.

So how do we gently "lift the needle"?

For me, it means creating a little gap that enables me to choose how I want to respond instead of just shooting whatever comes to mind. My Dad, may he rest in peace, used to say: whenever you find yourself getting angry, go drink a glass of cold water. ( I'm wondering how often he used his own advice...). Sometimes, when situations arise I am able to take an in-breath and out breath, release stress and ask myself, what am I feeling? What do I need? And sometimes, particularly in the family, I notice, it doesn't happen, and I find myself stuck in that ol' groove. In which case I try to remember to be kind to myself, and remember that, as Marshall Rosenberg puts it (roughly): In the family, where our feelings and needs are strongest - is the place where it is hardest to change those habits which we know don't serve us anymore. And here is where we need to be as compassionate as we can to ourselves...

So how do you create the gap, and move ahead with compassion? I'd love to hear your remarks.

"I Was a Free Man in Paris"

2010-04-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Been Back from Paris for a week now, and it seems like a Dream. What Can I take from this all too short visit? Mostly the memory the feeling , of how it felt to feel free...roaming, wandering, not having to answer to anyone or be anywhere or have responsibility for anything except for experiencing and enjoying life. The feeling of my heart expanding and breathing.

Aaaahhhhhhhhhh.........

When your child blocks her ears and says: Don't talk!

2010-04-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with a close friend of mine on the web today. We both have twins aged ten, a boy and a girl...this a transcript of our conversation which can teach two things: first how being in Empathy with my friend simultaneously gave her some relief and opened her up to hear my point of view, and also, gave a little strategy with what to do, when your child just doesn't want to hear you talk:

Friend: I fear that my daughter will be a handful as she grows.

Me: Why a handful? Is she acting in a 'cheeky' kind of manner?

Friend: Maya is very closed. She never wants to discuss her feelings and she doesn't want to hear about my feelings either! She freaks out when I do and just pushes me away!

Me: Leaving you at loss at what to do? And wishing you could connect more easily?

Friend: I mean if I tell her about my feelings, like lets say she has done or said something and I want to tell her that it hurt my feelings and I feel such and such a way, she will hide under the blankets and block her ears and push me away and say stop .

Me: Want my guess?

Friend : yes!

Me: I think when kids do that they must be hearing our message as blameful...so I say to them

does it sound like I'm blaming you? And they or he or she says YES!

Friend: O.k. and then what?

Me: That's a starting point; Sometimes not much more is needed, to calm first.

Friend: ok. I see.

Me: It's an ongoing process... I can then say: ok, I understand, well let me see how I can put this differently... but sometimes just that little tiny acknowledgment really turns around the situation. Sometimes I'll say: well I notice you really don't want to hear me now....right?

Friend: ..But she really doesn't want to hear me now! and not later either!

Me: You know what I noticed lately? You know how when you are frantically looking for something and it never turns up? and then you just let go....and presto, there it is? Sometimes we just need to LET GO.

Friend: That's true. I understand about letting up and then things fixing themselves.

Me: I am sure you want a connection with your child that includes being able to talk with one another

and I support that totally

Friend: of course.

Me: Leave her , let her be, let her come to you...she will I promise you. Meanwhile use the time for introspection, continue learning and and check to see , am I blaming her? Not to blame yourself! Just look at it, and see how you can put it or do it differently.

Friend: And if u r in a way blaming her?

Me : Check with yourself : what am I needing? What am I lacking here?

Jeannie: I get it.

Me: From the Nonviolent Communication perspective, the only reason that anyone EVER blames, shouts , hurts etc, is because there is some unfullfilled need in side of YOURSELF. And to look at with compassion, not more blame have some mercy for your sweet self, you deserve it.

Friend: I know

Me: I believe we are doing the best we can; As one of the teachers I love says: We are doing the BEST we can, with the awareness we have right now, so give yourself some love baby

Friend: That's true.

Me: Our kids can not and I don't think Should not, fill our needs mainly, they just CAN'T, they're still struggling with their own needs, they're still growing up. My experience is that it just doesn't help to put blame on them and believe me, I do it too, everyday...

Friend: Lol

Me: Great, glad I put a smile on your face

A little more food for thought and consideration. Talking is one way to meet the need for CONNECTION, that we mentioned that my friend, and every parent I work with, wants with their child. Once we have recognized that need, we can now think of other ways to meet that need. Sometimes offering to play with your child, which children of any age love doing, can create it, or simply saying: "Can I have a hug?" - never met a kid , unless in extreme situations, who won't respond to that.

Remember: Give yourself time.

Rome wasn't built in a day!

Systems and Structures- why they're good for you (as I'm finding out)

2010-03-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, well, half a year ago,( but that's pretty recent, ain't it?), I did a business course with Mark Silver of Heart of Business. Six classes that were illuminating, and inspiring and almost every superlative I can think of. I really love Mark's approach and I have been following him for over two years, and that's before I joined twitter! I know I gained alot from it even though, to be honest, my business is not taking off yet and I have still so much to implement from that course alone.

Well truth is I'm kind of ashamed to say that I didn't even listen completely to the last lesson, entitled: " Structures and Systems". Only now I am beginning to understand why.One of the hardest things for me to do is to create a structure for myself in my life. It's like I am rebeling against it. Somehow, it's always gotta be something from the outside that does it for me. Maybe, yes, there is a slight chance I am being a little hard on myself, but I have a theory why it's so hard to create a structure for me to work in - and it's connected to schooling. I won't get into it now, but I am finding that creating a structure, a routine, gives me alot more freedom and more importantly, a sense of comfort and much less stress.

I wonder what it's like for you? What methods do you use to create structure and a routine in your lives that isn't imposed from the outside?

Pregnant Waiting

2010-03-30T00:53:00.000-07:00

I am a student of Biosynthesis a body oriented psychotherapy, and I also teach a process known as Nonviolent Communication, focusing particularly in my work on how to give and receive Empathy. Both systems put an emphasis on not "knowing " the answer for the person you're working with... who is sharing an experience or pain of some kind. It's having the capacity to wait, "pregnant waiting" and let things unfold, let things come up by themselves, and not jump in with my own insights or musings, or worse, knowledge. How hard is that? Just to wait...

Can I apply this wisdom into my own life, and not be stressed to come up with an answer for it?

What's your experience?

This post was inspired by : "My Grandfather's Blessings" by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D a heartfelt and touching account of her work and life as a doctor....well recommended.

I'm getting up! I'm getting up!

2010-03-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's Passover tonight. That means spring cleaning, that means I have to get out of bed and actually START somewhere. Woke up at 5 am first time, whew, I still have time I say to myself, plus the fact that they moved the clock, it's actually 4 am. Relief. 7 am I open my eyes again, well there's no school today the kids don't have to get up - that gives me another half hour, right? 730 mind's racing, thoughts streaming in seeing myself getting up cleaning here, there, shopping for some food, words formulating - ideas for blog posts , like "Last Minute Girl...that's what I am". some Byron Katie, I should make a list of things to do - is that true ? Not to mention my e-mail contact list which I decided needs some organizing

Where do I begin? not exactly the same content- but songs always pop into my head somehow (-:

Finally it's the bunny rabbits letting me know they're hungry that get me out of bed, and things begin to happen on there own, like they always will I guess... you know what I mean?

Happy Easter and Passover to one and all!

What happens when you don't know?

2010-03-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to call this post and I don't know how to define myself.
What happens when you don't know?
Somewhere some- where in cyberspace I read that it's good to give things space...it's like I've noticed that when I'm frantically looking for something it never turns up. But if I take a little breath and say: give it some space, within minutes I see it. So maybe this little teeny bit of wisdom can be applied to the rest of my life?

Usually when sitting at a coffee shop I either read or write ( in my notebook it has to be said...handwriting does it for me). Today I sat in the sun, and did nothing, well I tried to write, found I didn't have a pen - asked the waitress for one, it didn't work and then a voice inside said : leave it, just be.
Scared I have to say , fear comes in when I'm thinking I HAVE to do something.And I'm frantically running around ...no results there. So now I'll try some space ...and now here I am, and we'll see what comes up, somethin's gotta.

10 things I can trust about myself -and like too!

2010-02-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

1. I can make a beautiful salad - and tasty too!
2. That if I put my hands on and in some material, something of beauty will happen
3. I have a good eye for measurements and distances (useful with car spaces in a city)
3a. Great parallel parker !
4.When I put pen to paper something of value can come out of it.
5.I've got a great memory for quotes! (thanks Arnina Kashtan for pointing that out to me)
6. I still have a "world class bum" as Malcolm from London pointed out 4 years ago.(thanks Malcolm). Nearing the end of my fifth decade in this body, that's no trivial thing!
7. I connect well with people of all sizes (particularly new borns!)
8. My housekeeping will never get to a point of no return (Virgo rising or what?)
9. I have a very strong body! (thanks God)
10. I am the best listener I know ! (now practice listening to myself...with empathy)

Funny to put all this down, spontaneously, without being asked to do so by some coach/therapist ( not that I knock those wonderful people who have helped me along the way one bit!)

How does it feel reading it? Content. Relief. Whew ! Nice Feeling. Thanks God!

How about you? have you done this lately?
"Try it , you'll like it"

p.s. Also - this - particularly the photograph!

כשנמאס, פשוט נמאס להיתקע על אותו חריץ בתקליט, שוב ושוב ושוב.... (או כשאתם מוצאים את עצמכם מגיבים באותה צורה)

2010-02-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

זוכרים את התקליטים של פעם..? את החריצים האלה, שכשהיתה שריטה זה היה קופץ שוב ושוב לאותו המקום, עד שלא הרמנו בעדינות את המחט והזזנו הלאה. כמה שזה היה מבאס, לא?

אז היום אין תקליטים, אך ההרגלים שלנו, מה לעשות חלק מהם מפגרים במידה ניכרת אחרי הטכנולוגיה.

כמו ההרגל לענות, להגיב לכל מילה שנאמרת לכם, להיות "צודקים". ובמיוחד עם המשפחות שלנו.

זה מזכיר סיפור (אמיתי) שמרשאל רוזנברג מספר על אחת מתלמידותיו :

הבחורה עבדה במעון לחסרי בית. לילה אחד נכנס בחור צעיר ודרש לקבל חדר. באותו הערב המקום היה בתפוסה מלאה והיא נאלצה לסרב. הבחור שלף סכין, הצמיד אותה לרצפה והחל לאיים על חייה אם לא תתן לו מיד חדר. במקום להאבק, רועדת מבפנים, היא התחילה לתת לו אמפתיה: "אז, אתה ממש ממש זקוק לחדר הזה, ומתוסכל שהגעת עד לכאן ולא היה?" כן! - " ואתה כועס כי אתה חושב שמגיע לך?" וכך כמה משפטים. נשמע אולי טריוואיאלי ולא מציאותי ברגעים כאלה, נכון? אך זה עבד! כעבור זמן הבחור קם, ואפשר לה לגשת לטלפון ולעשות כמה טלפונים עד שמצאה לו חדר באחד ההוסטלים בעיר. ואז סיפרה למרשאל : "...אחרי כל זה, כשהגעתי הביתה , המילה הראשונה שאמא אמרה לי הגבתי בצעקות ונוצר ריב! אז למה? מרשאל אומר שבמקומות שהרגשות והצרכים הלא נענים הם כל כך עמוקים,ויש היסטוריה, כמו עם המשפחות שלנו, הכי קשה לנו לתת אמפתיה שאולי היתה "מצילה" את הסיטואציה, או לפחות מקלה...

אז איך "מרימים את המחט" וממשיכים הלאה? איך נמנע מלהגיב לאנשים היקרים לנו ביותר, שיוצא שאנחנו פוגעים בהם הכי הרבה. אם רק נוכל ליצור את המרווח הזה, על ידי לקיחת שאיפה מודעת אחת, אולי נוכל לעצור את המעגל האינסופי של התגובות שלנו. חברים, אני עדיין מנסה....ואתם יודעים מה, לפעמים זה עובד ואני יכולה להיות אמפתית לילדיי, לאימי ולאחי, ולפעמים- לא. ואז אני משתדלת להיות הכי בחמלה עם עצמי, שכנראה, יש שם משהו, מודע או בלתי מודע, איזה פצע כל כך עמוק, שאולי לעולם לא ייתרפא, ופשוט להיות עם האבל על כך שככה זה, כרגע.

בינתיים, אני מתאמנת כמה שאני יכולה במצבים פחות טעונים, לתת אמפתיה גם לעצמי וגם לאחר, כדי שבמצבים הקשים יותר אולי אולי אוכל להיענות במקום להגיב.

לי אישית זה עוזר להמשיך הלאה , ולנגן את המוזיקה הבלתי פוסקת הזו , של החיים. מקווה שזה יעזור גם לכם

עוד על אמפתיה ואיך טכנית להיות בה.

Two Birds on a Wire - שתי ציפורים על חוט

2010-02-08T04:13:00.001-08:00

Two Birds on a Wire - שתי ציפורים על חוט
Originally uploaded by Yael Brisker Fine MetalWork

These two are having a dialogue...will they reach agreement?That's for you to find out - if they'll be yours, of course!
$88 that's 325 IS
(price does not include shipping and handling)

2010-02-07T02:04:00.000-08:00

leaf bowl....

I Have A Dream - Living Nonviolently #3

2010-01-24T23:54:00.000-08:00

I have a dream
It's not a BIG one
Like "THE DREAM"
We all know so well,
Yet it's a dream
In the Same Spirit
That in every school
In every workplace
And hopefully
In every family
There will be
A Listener
A Giver of Empathy
Someone who's job it is
Just to listen
No more no less
"Listen deeply"
As Tich Nhat Hanh says
How much healing
Relief
Strength to Carry on
There would be as a result...
That's my dream

Living Nonviolently #2

2010-01-22T04:26:00.000-08:00

Here I am again
Waiting for someone to give
Me the recipe for life
Not wanting to do anything
And feeling like I have
To do something, everything.
Frustration, fear-
maybe
Suddenly, I can call it
Growth?
I'm like a seedling
And it's still in it's shell
It's deep in the ground
It's waiting patiently for it's
Moment
Maybe that stress that gets me
Out in the morning is good for me (so used to calling it bad...)
Makes me move?
And is it me? And who is
this ME?
Want to enjoy
want to play
Want to have fun and not be so scared, scared of
Life loving creating -
without those self- judgments---------------------

--------------------------------

"זה בסדר,אבא, אף אחד לא מושלם

2010-01-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

הקטעים הבאים מחוברתו של מרשאל רוזנברג : Raising Children Compassionately תרגום שלי, קצת חופשי עמכם הסליחה. לפני כחודשיים יצא לאור בשעה טובה ספרו הראשון והמקיף של מרשאל : "תקשורת מקרבת- שפה לחיים" בהוצאת פוקוס. מומלץ! ובינתיים כמה ממילותיו:

על קהילה תומכת להורים :

" אני יודע שהיכולת שלי להשאר עם ( - במקור stay with) מה שאני מדבר עליו השתפרה בהרבה כאשר אני עצמי קיבלתי המון אמפתיה מקהילה תומכת, אמפתיה על כמה קשה להיות הורה לפעמים, כמה קל ליפול לדפוסים ישנים. כאשר היו בסביבתי עוד הורים, שבדומה אליי, ניסו להתחבר לילדיהם, זה מאוד תמך בי שיכולתי לדבר איתם, להקשיב לתסכוליהם והם לשלי. שמתי לב שככל שהייתי חלק מקהילה כזו, רק גדלה היכולת שלי לדבוק בתהליך הזה עם ילדיי, אפילו בתנאים הקשים ביותר. "

ומעשה שהיה....סיפור מחיי המשפחה של מרשאל..

ביום ראשון אחד, כאשר קיוויתי לבלות במנוחה עם משפחתי את הוויקאנד, פתאום התקשרו אליי זוג בטיפולי שהיו באמצע משבר וביקשו לראות אותי בדחיפות. נענתי אף על פי שבדיעבד שמתי לב שהייתי מלא טינה על כך שמנוחתי הופרעה ולא בדקתי עם עצמי מה באמת הצרכים שלי. זמן קצר לאחר שהופיעו, המשטרה הופיעה בדלת עם מטופלת אחרת, שעל מנת להשיג פגישה איתי נהגה להתיישב על פסי הרכבת ולחכות שהמשטרה תבוא לפנותה. (היא הכירה טוב את לוח הזמנים.) כך מצאתי את עצמי רץ מהסלון שבו ישבו הזוג ומשתדל להקשיב להם באמפתיה, לבין המטבח בו ישבה המטופלת ומיררה בבכי. תוך כדי, ילדיי החלו לריב אחד עם השני בקומה מעל. עליתי למעלה והפכתי בן רגע מאיש מלא אהבה למטורף שצורח : " אתם לא רואים שיש לי למטה אנשים כואבים? לכו מיד לחדריכם!" הילדים חזרו לחדרם כל אחד בתורו בטריקת דלת. בטריקה השלישית התעוררתי וראיתי את ההומור שבדבר. שאפתי אוויר ונכנסתי לחדרם. אמרתי להם כמה צער אני מרגיש על כך שהוצאתי עליהם רגשות שלא היו קשורים בהם בכלל אלא באנשים למטה. שני בניי אמרו : "לא נורא אבא", ובתי הקטנה ניגשה אליי, שמה את ראשה על כתפי ואמרה : "זה בסדר אבא, אף אחד לא מושלם" ( הקטע הזה ריגש אותי עד דמעות י.ב.) מרשאל מוסיף :

"איזה מסר יקר לשמוע! אכן, ילדיי מכירים במאמץ שלי להתייחס אליהם באופן חומל, איכפתי ואמפתי. אך כמה זה גם מקל שהם יכולים להבין גם את האנושיות שלי וכמה זה יכול להיות קשה לעיתים. אז אסיים בכך שאעניק לכם את העצה המרגיעה שבתי נתנה לי; שאף אחד לא מושלם, ולזכור שאם יש עבודה ששווה לעשותה, שווה לעשותה גם פחות טוב. וכמובן שאת עבודת ההורות שווה לעשות, אך לפעמים נעשה אותה פחות טוב ( ממה שהיינו רוצים - הערה שלי). אם נהייה אכזריים עם עצמינו כאשר איננו הורים מושלמים, ילדינו יסבלו בשל כך...."

מרשאל חוזר ומדגיש שמטרתנו איננה להיות הורים מושלמים, אלא בהדרגה הורים קצת פחות טיפשים ( או בורים). וללמוד מכך שבכל פעם שאיננו נותנים לילדינו את אותה איכות של הבנה שהיינו רוצים, זה סימן לכך שאנחנו איננו מקבלים את התמיכה הרגשית שאנחנו כהורים זקוקים לה. לכן מרשאל חוזר וממליץ ליצור קהילה שתתן לנו את ההבנה לה אנחנו זקוקים.

How to Live Nonviolently - Step one

2010-01-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

This is more of a draft than a real post, and yet, so many seasoned bloggers say : don't get hung up on perfection, so here goes.

So, how to live nonviolently? Really...in your moment to moment experience- in your body- not your head

Just notice - what's going on in your own body- is there stress anywhere? Where are you holding on un- necessarily? Notice it and if possible - release whatever. wherever it is located. After 7 or more years learning breathing eating drinking Nonviolent Communictation ( through my intellect) only NOW, I am beginning to realize where war really begins...
More on this soon....

When you're at a loss at what to say or tips for relating to your child in a challenging moment . כשאתם לא יודעים מה לומר או טיפים לתקשורת עם ילדיכם ברגע מאתגר -תרגום לעברית בקצה האנגלית

2009-12-20T03:24:00.000-08:00

Well this has been waiting to be written for weeks now, and due to perfectionism, working simultaneously on my Hamsa order and getting together a sale of my work, it just keeps getting postponed, and handwritten drafts all over the place! So here it is now and , gosh I really hope it helps.

1. First and hardest part, admittedly: take care of your own needs, find empathy for yourself, with meditation, Remembrance or a friend who's really got empathy skills down! On a regular basis you constantly get nourished. Because as Marshall Rosenberg puts it: Just as a mother needs nourishment in order to breast-feed, so we all need empathy in order to give it. Then, when that moment comes you can take an in- breath, center yourself and continue...

2. Presence - one thing I've learned, you cannot BE with your child and other tasks at the same time, it just doesn't work. Tom (my son aged 10) - came back in a bad mood from his dad's - head down, tears in eyes, held back. Trying to figure out what was wrong I'm also doing the dishes moving around the house, thoughts of future tasks running through my head. Then a voice inside says stop - just sit and BE with your child. I go to the sofa , sit down and even tho' he's still at the computer , he can sense I am there totally with him. An upgrade of that is actually sitting side by side, hugging, looking into one another's eyes.

3. Ask - now this is tricky. Because most people are trained/taught to ask: WHY? oh oh irrelavant question. Somehow WHY implies wrongness, blame and is generally so open - ended it leaves the child groping around for an answer and confused.
Instead : " So, sounds like you're angry, am I right?"
"YES!" he cries.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Looking for clues and information
" NO! you ask"! he replies.
Slowly unraveling the story, I say: So, you were upset because you wanted this present and received something else?
"Yes!"
The issue is not important- and there's really no need to try and solve anything, because we can't or even don't need to, bend reality for our kids; it's the child's experience of being Seen, Heard and Witnessed that creates relief and helps the child move on - and you, the parent get on with your day! Seriously, life, with children in particular, is a series of incidents large and small, that call to us the parents to soothe, heal and empower our kids, amidst the rest of our duties and callings. The best we can do, from my experience , is to offer them our presence, our empathy and our understanding.

There are lots of ways to learn Empathy skills - one on one lessons with me, NVC Academy and finding a trainer in your area through The Center for Nonviolent Communication.

Would love to hear from your experience.

First 10 people to comment will receive by mail an original "Light Bird" !

כשאתם לא יודעים מה לומר או טיפים לתקשורת עם ילדיכם ברגע מאתגר

למעשה, כל הטיוטות בכתב יד לרשימה הזו נכתבו בעברית ואז, התיישבתי לכתוב אותו ויצא לי באנגלית! זו כנראה המהות שלי, הדואליות של השפה ושני המקצועות או יותר נכון לי לקרוא להם הדרכים שאני נקראת ללכת בהם בחיי : דרך הביטוי במתכת ויצירת עדיים לבית ודרך העזרה שאני מציעה להורים שרוצים לשכלל את יכולות התקשורת עם ילדיהם...

אז הנה כמה טיפים איך לתקשר עם ילדיכם ברגע מאתגר (במקרה הזה , רגע מאתגר שלו)

1. זה אולי יישמע קצת פלצני אך אני מאמינה בזה בכל ליבי: תדאגו קודם כל לצרכים הרגשיים שלכם. ברצינות. כהורים, ובפרט אמהות, (סליחה אבות - רוב הזמן הם נמצאים איתנו (-: ) אנו נדרשים יום יום שעה שעה לתת לילדינו, בעיקר ברמה הנפשית. רופא הילדים האמריקאי ד'ר ביל סירס אומר: " תינוקות וילדים צעירים הם אנשים קטנים עם צרכים גדולים!" ואכן, הם יעשו הכל כדי לענות על הצרכים הללו ודחיית סיפוקים מהם והלאה - בהתאם לגיל, כמובן. ומה איתנו? כפי שמציין ד'ר מרשאל רוזנברג : כשם שאם מניקה זקוקה להזנה - כך , כדי שנוכל להעניק אמפתיה , אנחנו צריכים לקבל אותה. תמלאו את המצבורים שלכם על בסיס קבוע, בין אם במדיטציה, הקשבה אמפתית מחבר/ה , כתיבה או טיפול. ואז , כשרגע האמת מגיע יש מאיפה לשאוב את הכוחות...

2. נוכחות - אם יש משהו שלמדתי ,בעיקר מילדיי, זה שאי אשפשר להיות עם ילדינו ועוד 20 פרויקטים בעת ובעונה אחת, זה פשוט לא עובד:

בני, כמעט בן 10, חזר הביתה יום אחד במצב רוח רע - ראש מושפל, עיניים מלאות דמעות, משתדל להחזיק את הכל הפנים, אך אני שומעת בקולו את הדמעות. תוך כדי סידורי הבית והרשימה-הבלתי-נגמרת-של-דברים-שאני-צריכה-לעשות שרצה לי בראש, אני מנסה לברר איתו מה העניין. ואז, קול בפנים אומר לי : עצרי, עזבי הכל ותהיי עם בנך. מתיישבת על הספה, הוא על המחשב עם הגב אליי - אך חש שאני שם.( שדרוג של זה: ישיבה יחד על הספה ולהיות בקשר עין)

ואז:

3. לשאול. וכאן הלמידה העיקרית שלנו. כי בתרבות שלנו הורגלנו/למדנו לשאול "למה?" אופס שאלה לא רלוונטית. כי השאלה "למה?" בהרבה מהמקרים נושאת עמה מטען של אשמה, או "לא בסדר". כמו כן, זו שאלה כל כך פתוחה שהיא מותירה את הילד הרבה פעמים אבוד , בלי יכולת לדלות תשובה מתוכו.
במקום, אני שואלת/מציינת:
"אז תום, נשמע שאתה כועס, זה נכון?"
"כן!!"
" אתה יכול לספר לי מה קרה? "
"לא! תשאלי את !"
אחרי מה שנשמע כמשחק 21 שאלות ,הסיפור לאט לאט מתגלה ואני שואלת לבסוף:
"אז , היית מאוכזב, כי רצית את המשחק ההוא ואבא קנה לך משהו אחר?"
"כן!"

הסיפור לא משנה, הוא משתנה רק בוריאציות קלות. אנחנו לא יכולים, והרבה פעמים לא מוכרחים לפתור או לכופף את המציאות לרצונותיו של הילד. מה שחשוב כאן זו החוויה של הילד- שרואים, שומעים ומבינים אותו - ללא שיפוט, ובמילה - אמפתיה- שיוצרת הקלה ועוזרת לילד (ןגם לנו, אגב) לזוז הלאה.

כל המהלך הזה לקח פחות מעשר דקות והמשכנו את יומנו בשמחה. עד הפעם הבאה.

וברצינות, חיי היום יום שלנו מלאים ב"אירועים" גדולים כקטנים, שבהם אנחנו ההורים נקראים, להקל, לרפא ולהעצים את ילדינו. הטוב ביותר שאנחנו יכולים לעשות, מניסיוני, הוא לההעניק לילדינו את הנוכחות, האמפתיה וההבנה שלנו. גם הקשר והאמון בינינו גדל וגם, אני מאמינה, הם ילמדו לתת את אותן איכויות הלאה לכשיגדלו.

יש כמה דרכים ללמוד כישורי הקשבה אמפתית:
איתי, בשיעורים אחד על אחד תפורים למידותיכם, ובקבוצות למידה קטנות בהנחייתי. כמו כן, ישנן מגוון של סדנאות ב"מיתרים" - הבית ממנו אני צמחתי.

האם המאמר הזה תרם לכם? מה עובד בשבילכם? אשמח לשמוע. "ציפור האור" פרי יצירתי במתנה לחמש התגובות הראשונות.

wacky days and wacky band

2009-12-17T13:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy few days . Rushing around down down town of Tel Aviv where all the metal merchants and tool suppliers are, trying to bring together as many pieces that I can for tomorrow and Saturday's show and sale of my metal containers and wall hanging Menorahs.(together with friend Jeweler Sarah Agami) Yes, well I am aware that it is the end of Hanukkah, and I don't even have a Menorah at home...ha ha, and most people are done buying them and yet, MYmenorahs they buy all year because they are not just functional they are jewelry for the home.(kinda like that name, hey nobody steal it!) Late last night till midnight working and hearing a funny wacky relatively new band called, Daphne and the Cookies, wow they sounded like a wild bunch. midst all this ,Yasmin my one and only lovely 10 year old, almost next month, won second prize at a Horseback riding competition, so all around quite exciting! Not to mention the home, bunnies etc.dunno where I can ever fit in a relationship... whew ! Guess not :-) or :-(. Anyway - wish me luck tomorrow's the day better get to bed!

I'm online as Yael Brisker

2009-12-08T06:42:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone Happy to say that you can reach this blog through www.yaelbrisker.com now. woohoo!

Flickr

2009-12-06T13:42:00.001-08:00

צילומים נוספים של עבודותיי some more photos of my work...enjoy

Mindfullness and Art

2009-11-30T01:56:00.000-08:00

Working on my Hamsas and listening to Thich Nhat Hunh thank you brother Yuval and thanks again for these wonderful tapes and the great opportunity to get back to the working table. Also an opportunity again to see where my mind is wandering....see my stress , bring awareness, and rest, relax for a moment. Ask myself : do my shoulders really need to work so hard with my hands? Um, actually no, so hey! Give them a break.

"What the world needs now - is love sweet love" טיפים למתן אמפתיה או

2009-11-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

אמפתיה - מפתח הקסם להבנה,הקלה וחיבור

בתי, יסמין ישבה ליד שולחן האוכל כעוסה, לא אוכלת וצועקת. מאמצים שונים לא הצליחו להרגיע עד שאמרתי: אז,יסמין, נשמע שאת ממש צריכה לצעוק עכשיו, נכון?! היא אמרה כן!! ומיד נרגעה.עצם ההתיחסות למה שעובר עליה באותו הרגע, הספיק כדי להרגיע...והיא חזרה לענייניה.

אמפתיה היא איכות מסויימת של חיבור למה שחי בליבו ונפשו של אדם השני באותו הרגע. לתת אמפתיה זה להיות בנוכחות מלאה עם אותו האדם, מבלי להביא לתוך השיחה אינפורמציה מן העבר.סוג של עדות.
אנחנו יכולים להיות אמפתיים למה שקורה או למה ששמענו באותו הרגע, במילים אחרות, לשקף : " אני רואה שנפלת וקיבלת מכה " או " אני שומעת שאתה רוצה ללכת לגינה עכשיו" או לחילופין לנחש את הרגשות והרצונות של הדובר : "אז, אתה עצוב כי רצית לשחק עם הילד הזה?"

אמפתיה יכולה להיות מילולית ולא מילולית.לאחר ולעצמינו.
בוקר אחד הייתי לחוצה במיוחד וכעסת על עצמי, אז אמרתי לעצמי : "אוף! אני כל כך מתוסכלת! " עצם ההכרה מקלה מרגיעה, מרפאה.

חשוב לי להדגיש : לא תמיד נוכל או אפילו צריך להיות אמפתיים.

למה לנו להיות אמפתיים? כפי שכבר ציינתי קודם,ההקשבה האמפתית מרפאה. היא נותנת לאדם מולנו הרגשה שראינו אותו, לגיטימציה לרגשותיו. היא יוצרת הקלה ומאפשרת לנו לעבור הלאה ביתר קלות. ילדים במיוחד מגיבים נהדר לאמפתיה.

אמפתיה איננה :

הזדהות - "גם לי זה קרה" אמפתיה מתמקדת בבן שיחנו, וסימפטיה והזדהות מחזירים את תשומת הלב אלינו. רחמים - "אוי מסכן שלי....." עלול להתפס כסוג של עליונות שלילה - " מה אתה עושה מזה עניין?" תשאול - "למה אתה עצוב?" ייעוץ - לתת פתרונות : "אני חושבת שאתה צריך...." חינוך - "זה קרה כי...." סגירת הנושא - "לא נורא, זה יעבור..."טיפים למתן אמפתיה

להתחיל את המשפט ב: " אז את/אתה...?" אמפתיה לאחר לעולם לא יכולה להתחיל ב "אני". סימן שאלה במקום נקודה בסוף משפט - עוזרת ליצור דיאלוג בכך שמשאיר פתח לתשובה מהצד השני. " אז אתה עצוב כי רצית חיבוק?" להמנע מלומר את המילה "אבל " - מיד הרחקתם את הילדה - ה'אבל' שולל אותה ואת ה 'הבנה' שלכם. גם אם לא דייקתם,המשיכו לנסות,כוון שהכוונה והגישה האמפתית חשובים ועושים את שלהם.

זיכרו: כמו בכל דבר חדש שאנחנו לומדים, אימון ותרגול משפרים את היכולת שלנו. מהניסיון האישי שלי האמפתיה עושה פלאים, כשאני יכולה ובוחרת להשתמש בה.

Yael Brisker Fine Metalwork

2009-11-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

....and how I wish I had this internet thing DOWN! I know I know,I've noticed that everyone is doing everything with this wonderful dynamic tool called blogging and I love it and it suits me so well, yet I'm FRUSTRATED by it not flowing for me when oh when will I ! Peace and Love to all....(-:

"הטוב ביותר שאתה יכול לעשות הוא לפגוש את מחשבותיך בהבנה" ביירון קייטי או איך לצאת מסיטואציות תקועות...

2009-11-15T06:24:00.000-08:00

יום אחד לפני שלוש וחצי שנים בערך כשילדיי היו בני שש ישבתי איתם במכונית . בדיוק יצאנו מחנות שבה יסמין רצתה שאקנה לה צעצוע ואני סירבתי. היא התחילה לבכות ולצעוק וסירבה להכנס למושב הבטיחות. ישבתי בכיסא הנהג ושברתי לעצמי את הראש, מה לעשות עכשיו? ניסיתי כמה משפטי אמפתיה , במכאניות מסויימת, אבל נתקלתי בקיר, היא רק בכתה יותר וצעקה : אל תדברי!

עברה בי המחשבה" לא רוצה לתת לה אמפתיה לעזאזאל!" רע לי עם עצמי כרגע – מה עכשיו? ואז נזכרתי ב"עבודה". מצאתי פיסת נייר ועט וכתבתי ::

" יסמין לא אמורה לבקש ממני עוד צעצוע"

האם זו האמת? כן!!!

האם אני יכולה לדעת בוודאות שזו האמת? פאוזה של שאיפה ונשיפת אוויר. לא יודעת, לא בטוח, וואלה.

השאלה השלישית: איך אני מרגישה ומה אני עושה כשאני מאמינה למחשבה הזו? כעס, תסכול, בא לי לצרוח אני נסגרת אליה טוטאלית. אומרת לעצמי שאני אמא גרועה. אובדת עצות. ואז השאלה האחרונה: מי או מה הייתי ללא המחשבה הזו? אנחה משתחררת לה , אני עוצמת עיניים ורואה את עצמי: שלווה, אסרטיבית,שקטה, יודעת איך ומה לעשות.מבינה ואוהבת באמת את יסמין, גם כשהיא מתנהגת כך,פתאום מבינה את הצרכים שלה....

ואז הפכתי את המשפט:

היפוך ראשון: יסמין כן אמורה לבקש עוד צעצוע. ( כי זו המציאות ;כי זה מה שקורה וכנראה קורה בשביל סיבה;כי זה מה שילדים רוצים, לשחק במשחקים חדשים)

היפוך שני:אני לא אמורה לבקש מעצמי עוד צעצוע. (כן, זו גם יכולה להיות האמת, כי כמה פעמים ביום אני רוצה עוד משהו שאין לי? אנחה

היפוך שלישי :אני לא אמורה לבקש מיסמין....במקרה הזה, משהו שהיא אינה יכולה לעשות...כמו לא לבקש ממני ....וכן הלאה

פתאום צץ במוחי רעיון. וכאן תקשרות מקרבת נכנסת לתמונה שוב. כי פתאום שמעתי את יסמין ממקום אחר. יכולתי לשמוע שזה לא רק עניין הצעצוע, זה גם שנמאס לה לגמרי מכיסא הבטיחות, והיא רוצה להיות לידי. יכולתי לפתע לשמוע את הכאב שלה ולראות את הצרכים שלה בקרבה,הנאה, חופש,משחק ועניין. הצעתי לה לנסוע עד לאמא שלי ( דקה נסיעה ממש מהחנות) קשורה בכסא ליד הנהג. היא קפצה מרוב שמחה. המשבר עבר...

הדוגמא הזו ממחישה שבאמצעות ארבעת השאלות וההיפוך יכולתי ביתר קלות להתחבר לרגשות ולרצונות שחיים בי (דרך נוספת לתת לעצמי אמפתיה, כשאין מישהו אחר לתת לי אותה) - ולהסתכל על המחשבות והשיפוטים שמתרוצצים בראש שאני כל כך פוחדת מהם. : ה"עבודה" מאפשרת לי לעזור לעצמי ,מפחיתה את הסבל שאני מרגישה ויוצרת הקלה מיידית. כאשר אני מרגישה שקט מבפנים,קל לי יותר לראות בבהירות את הצרכים של ילדתי, להתקרב אליה , להתחבר ולדבר באופן שתקשורת מקרבת מעודדת, בלי שזה יישמע מאולץ. אני יכולה באמת לתת אמפתיה. ואז באים הפתרונות לראש. מרשאל רוזנברג, מנסח מודל תקשורת מקרבת, אומר: "כשקיימת איכות מסוימת של קשר- הפתרונות מוצאים אותנו." יש שינוי בתודעה ומתרחש משהו נפלא שלדעתי הוא לא פחות מנס...

השינוי התודעתי הזה מאפשר מעבר ממקום תקוע וקשה למקום זורם . מרשאל, אומר:"בדיוק כפי שאשה מיניקה זקוקה להזנה- גם בכדי לתת אמפתיה אנחנו מוכרחים לקבל אותה". האמפתיה פותחת אפשרויות שלא ידענו שהם שם. הן גורמות להקלה שלא תתואר ומאפשרות זרימה.

בעבודתי אני משלבת את תקשורת מקרבת עם "העבודה" של ביירון קייטי. מצאתי מניסיוני ששני המודלים הללו הולכים יפה ביחד ומשלימים אחד את השני .
אני מאמינה שאם אנחנו חפצים בשלום עולמי הדרך לכך עוברת בשלום עם עצמינו.ומה זה השלום הזה? בשבילי זה לקבל את עצמי עם כל המורכבות וכל השיפוטים העצמיים. להבין את עצמי, קבלה טוטאלית של "מה שיש". תקשורת מקרבת וה"עבודה" מאפשרות לי, כמאמר השיר משנות השישים:

To “reach out and touch somebody’s hand, make this world a better one, if you can”

מה לעשות... אני ילדה של הסיקסטיז

ליצירת קשר ועוד על איך אוכל לעזור- האתר שלי

מתי מדברים?

2009-10-24T03:12:00.000-07:00

הורים רבים שואלים:

כשאני ברגע האמת ונוצר מאבק ביני לבין ילדי והפיוזים קופצים, איך אני נזכר ומצליח להשתמש באמפתיה ותקשורת מקרבת - במיוחד כשזה עדיין די חדש לי?

אז דבר ראשון תזכרו שכשהרגשות מבעבעים והאוטומט עובד, קשה הרבה יותר לראות בבהירות ולבחור את תגובותינו.

אז מה עושים? קודם כל תנו לעצמכם קצת חמלה על כך, תכירו בזה שאתם עושים כמיטב יכולתכם, ואח'כ

הפטנט הוא, למעשה שני פטנטים, והם:

אחד, להתאמן על מתן אמפתיה בכל מיני מצבים כשהחוויה חיובית, בסיטואציות רגועות. אז, כאשר הצרכים שלכם כן נענים - לדוגמא כשילדכם כן פינה את הצלחת מיוזמתו מהשולחן, אתם יכולים לומר: " שמתי לב שלקחת את הצלחת למטבח זה עוזר לי מאוד - ואיך זה בשבילך?"- קל יותר לעצור רגע ולחשוב, ממממ...משהו נעים קורה פה, בוא נראה איזה צורך שלי כרגע מתמלא ...מה אני אוהבת במה שקורה, ואיך אני אומרת את זה?

אני רואה את פניה של בתי מאירות שכשאני נזכרת לציין מה כן תורם לי, כי בינינו , הרבה פעמים הילדים שומעים ממני איפה הם חסרים, ופחות היכן אני מרוצה.

טיפ שני:

תדחו " שיחות" לרגע שאתם רגועים ויכולים לנסח את הדברים, במיוחד עם חשוב לכם לכבד את הצרכים של כל הנוגעים בדבר. אל תנסו לנהל שיחה על כמה זמן ילדכם יושב מול המחשב והטלוויזיה, כשהוא או היא מול הטלוויזיה! כאילו דהההה, כמו שהחברה' אומרים, ממש תקבלו את תשומת הלב של הילדים.

המורה שלי ארנינה קשתן קוראת לזה 'השיחה בדיעבד'.

אבא אחד אמר, היי! הדבר האחרון שאני רוצה כשאני מבסוט עם הילדים זה להעלות מצב כשהיה קשה. אפשר להבין את זה, מי רוצה לשחזר רגע כשהרגשתם חרא? אני מזמינה אתכם לשאול את עצמכם את השאלה הבאה:

אם אני רוצה לעשות שינוי בסיטואציה שחוזרת על עצמה יום יום, ולהתאמן במשהו חדש, באיזה מצב אהיה יותר אפקטיבית? כשאני רגועה או לחוצה? קחו דקה לנשום לתוך השאלה הזו. התשובה די ברורה. מה גם, שבחוויה שלי, ככל שיש יותר שיחות כאלה , הולך ונבנה אמון ביניכם - ובאפשרות שניתן לטפל בקונפליקטים בדרכים של שלום, והרי זו השאיפה שלנו לעולם הזה, לא?

דוגמא:

אצלינו בבית יש קטע, שכשאני מכריזה שהאוכל מוכן, ובואו לשולחן! בני ישר מגיע לשולחן, ובתי באופן די קונסיסטנטי, תענה: "רגע".

היש מקפיץ פיוז גדול מזה? אם יש תודיעו לי. אחרי דקה אני אומרת :

יסמין....בואי לשולחן האוכל מתקרר.

רגע, אמא אני באמצע ...!

אחריי דקותיים זה כבר : יסמין! בואי כבר!

זה, ידידיי, לא הרגע לנהל שיחה. מתחילה להרגיש את הבזזזזז בגוף שלי. ומכאן, מה שנקרא, העניינים מתלהטים וזה נגמר הרבה פעמים ב : אני בכעס אוכלת את האוכל, או מכריחה אותה בכל מיני אמצעים להגיע לשולחן והיא יושבת מלאת טינה, ואף אחד לא מבסוט.גם אמפתיה, כשהיא באה ממקום כועס, לא תעזור.

אלטרנטיבה : אני נושמת עמוק , מציינת לעצמי שאני מבואסת מהקטע, נותנת לעצמי הרבה אמפתיה וממתינה. שעה שעתיים, או יום או יומיים.

ואז, ברגע של שקט, אני יושבת על הספה, יסמין משחקת, אני רגועה. קוראת לה, בואי רגע, רוצה לדבר איתך קצת.

את יודעת איך, כשהאוכל על השולחן ואני קוראת לך וכשאת לא באה מיד אני מתעצבנת? "
( תצפית + רגש )

"כן".

אז אני רוצה למצוא דרך שנאכל ביחד בשלום, מה את אומרת? (צורך- שלום, הרמוניה, התחשבות)

"אוקיי!"

מוכנה להגיד לי איך זה בשבילך? (בקשה דיאלוגית).

" כן, אני לא אוהבת שמפסיקים לי את המשחק באמצע! " (צורך: הנאה, חופש בחירה)

אוקיי,אני שומעת שאת רוצה לבחור מתי להגיע לשולחן, נכון?( פאוזה לתשובתה ) ומה שלי חשוב, זה שאנחנו נאכל ביחד, וגם, לשמוע ממך מה קורה איתך. אם את באמצע משהו ואת זקוקה לעוד כמה רגעים , אני מעדיפה שתאמרי לי בדיוק כמה זמן, ואז תבואי לשולחן, זה מראה לי שאיכפת לך, מוכנה ? (צרכים: התחשבות, שלמות, שותפות, וודאות)

"כן". השיחה מסתיימת בחיבוק. אגב אני לוקחת בחשבון שיהיו עוד תזכורות, אך נוצר בסיס להמשך.

אני יודעת, חלק מכם, וגם למען האמת ,גם חלקים בי, אומרים: מה עם גבולות? התשובה היא : זה נושא למאמר נפרד!

לגמרי ברצינות, לא התוכן הוא שחשוב כאן, אלא הדרך. כל אחד מגשש את דרכו/ דרכה בדבר הזה שנקרא 'הורות' בצורה זו או אחרת, וגבולות זה דבר מאוד אישי.

אך אם אתם, כמוני, רוצים לעשות שינוי בדרך שאתם מעבירים את המסר לילדיכם, למענכם, למען ילדיכם ולמען העולם...כן, כן העולם לא פחות ולא יותר, אז קחו שאיפה קלה ונסו לנצל את הרגעים המרובים עם ילדכם כהזדמנות לשינוי שכולנו מייחלים לו.

כמו שאומר הנזיר הבודהיסטי הידוע, טיך נאת האן: " אין דרך לשלום, שלום היא הדרך" .

לעוד מידע על אמפתיה והורות בתקשורת מקרבת :

האתר שלי

2009-10-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Marshall Rosenberg...and an excellent opportunity to get his books!http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/2009_10-se-enl.htm

הארות על הדברים של מרשאל רוזנברג

2009-08-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

כשאנחנו מאמינים שאנחנו צריכים לתקן, לסדר , לפתור למישהו בעייה , זה מונע מאיתנו להיות נוכחים. (בתרגום חופשי) פתאום הבנתי שנכון הדבר גם לגבי עצמי. אני יודעת להיות אמפתית לאחרים, ולא למהר להציע פתרונות כשמישהו מספר לי על כאבו, אך מה עם עצמי. אני ללא הרף מנסה לתקן סיטואציות, לשנות את המציאות שלי, ואני לא נוכחת כלפי עצמי ולא נמצאת בחמלה לעצמי. אני מתוסכלת וקשה לי להמצא עם זה יותר משנייה לפני שאני קופצת "לעשות" משהו. את "העבודה" - לקרוא משהו שיתקן. מה עם להיות עם זה? כמו שאומר תיך נהאת האן, "תדאגו היטב לרגע הזה, מה עוד אפשר לעשות?"

משהו ממרשאל רוזנברג

2009-08-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

"Believing we have to 'fix' situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present."

- Marshall Rosenberg,
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict