Thursday, September 30, 2010
I've been busy the last ten days
I challenged myself
Instead of going to a meditation retreat (paid for by my dear brother as a birthday present)
I chose to stay at home and finish a piece for a group show of Israeli women in Paris
A piece I was not sure I could and would make
I discovered a lot about myself in these few days
How much I love Art, for example
How I can be moved and excited by it. How excited I am to read about lives of Artists
How much I love Dialogue with other people in and during my process of creation
How I can FIND these amazing people in my life
I found out how loved I am
For four days I was alone and didn't leave the house.
Kids were at their Dad's. so I was alone (except for the bunnies)
I could move , suddenly, according to my own pace
My own Rhythm, finding it
Going from watercolors to sketching to papier mache-ing
Listening to my favourite music (My Fair Lady...amongst others)
Reminding my- Self of my favourites - singing out loud
And I created, and I had visions of more creations
Thinking of the relationship between suffering and creating
Looking at my own
This morning I got up happy, well, relatively (-:
Felt like making a Gratitude Mandala
To Thank everyone and everything in my life
And then a text message that brought up old anger again
I'm still grateful - or beginning to be again
Apparently, what needs to come up, does
Fortunately, I have my colors, my words my hands as direct expressions
Channels for this Anger energy
Off to continue this Journey
Thanks to all of you reading this!
Posted by Yael Brisker at Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Enjoy the journey and give birth to self-love, self-worth and divine creativity. Let go of the past and emerge into life and love.
The day started out really bad.
I barely slept and awoke at 430 am.
On my way to the big city
A call in the car
In Heavy traffic.
A panic attack while driving on the highway
Breathing...you must not lose it...you must not lose it...
Almost threw up, wish I had, why didn't I? Fear
Throw up, the
Yeah, he was deceiving me, but worse
I was deceiving myself
Everything happens for a reason they say
After major crying session
I stop at a friend's
To get a hug
Lying in her garden
Smelling the trees, the grass, talking with some pets (a gorgeous cat)
Dialogue about my art
Slowly getting inspired, I have resources!
Children from school
Some creative work with my daughter...still tired, slow, but moving, moving
Almost giving up the idea of going to Yoga
And then a telephone
I'm on my feet, drop kids off at guitar and horseback riding classes
Yoga, wow I'm so glad I went
Pizza for dinner!
(just to hear kids shout YAY! at the top of their lungs makes life worth living!)
And it is
Life is worth living
And as someone put it, can't remember who
Life IS for the living
And I'm alive and moving
And all is well
Posted by Yael Brisker at Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I'm in pain
a lot of it
and I can't seem to understand
or get around it or go through it.
I see Gabriella Hoppe my teacher putting her hand on her shoulder, just to show that I can just
Put it there. Softly, warmly, in a supportive, gentle, accepting way
And yet I
Still push myself into it, fight it
Try and take it away
And what's with my lower back?Haven't heard from it since I was going through a crisis in 96'
When my beloved Jessie, my dog, died and we didn't have our own space to live in and there were problems getting pregnant.
Suddenly my back has come back! To tell me what?
All the intersections in my body are screaming...something, my knees, particularly the right
Can I have a pain-less day?
And tired , no energy...aagh!
And yesterday I observed and discovered suddenly the way I am
As one coach put it , circular- (and that's ok)
It was such a different day!
Wrote in my notebook
Typed a post on my blog
Cleaned the house
Had a last glance at my book on Greek Gold that I gave to my friend
Back home, rested
Received the kids
Read the chapter on Inner Ground of Lifestreams by David Boadella , founder of the pschosomatic therapy known as Biosynthesis I am studying
Helped the kids with their bikes to go riding on the carless streets in Yom Kippur
Watched Elizabeth Gilbert on TED
Watched an amazing film called "Racing Daylight" from the Spiritual Circle Cinema
And a short doc on a lady called Jenny Funkmeyer
Got inspired and went to work on my art!
And in closing the day, wrote three things I am grateful for:
My kids my loves
Being given a second and third chance
Cornflakes, I just love them!
So why the low energy today? Maybe I can just accept it instead of fighting it?
Maybe because it started so differently, looking outward instead of inward?
Or simply because it was a difficult night?
Peace...can someone bring it on?
Posted by Yael Brisker at Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
yeah I know it's a Paris sky, but suits my mood...
It's six o' clock
I've been awake since five
Went to sleep in pain
Went to Yoga class, with my shoulder
My lower back sensitive
And my teacher, wanting to make my shoulder relax, lay me on a bench, with props
And my lower back got caught.
(Of course she didn't let me leave before she fixed that, but not a hundred percent)
Went to sleep sad, but in spite of that wrote down three things I'm thankful for:
I have a bed
It was strange (as it always is in dreams)
And the baby shot out
It was a warm feeling, and yet
Something was wrong in the picture
Today is the Eve of the Jewish Day of Atonement
The day when all Jews are supposed to ask for forgiveness
And hope to be written in God's Book of Life, for the coming year
And all I can think of
Is my Unspoken anger
Holding it in
No wonder my back goes
Alot of anger, directed to so many people
(Not to mention myself)
Who must I forgive?
Why isn't anyone asking mine?
What is forgiveness anyway...it's a strange concept
Meaningless to me.
When I was eight my Mom would say:
" I will not speak with you till you ask for my forgiveness"
What choice did I have?
What was my Sin, anyway?
The sky is cloudy here in Israel today ( fits my mood)
And I wish it would rain
And wash all these tears (uncried)
Posted by Yael Brisker at Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm doing the dishes.
My head's rambling on about how it's all wrong, and I'll never amount to anything, about the mistakes I've made or why didn't I do this that or the other, etc etc.
And then, suddenly I stop (if it is ME doing the stopping). Suddenly it stops and I am able to direct my awareness to my body.
And all is well. No pain, at the moment. (-:
No discomfort, just a body, breath, belly, arms moving flowing, standing, doing dishes...and everything is fine...yes, absolutely fine. And there's nothing wrong in this moment.
Only the story line, that comes back, every now and again.
It's a wow kind of moment but without bells ringing and lights and firecrackers. No orchestra playing.
Just pure contentment. Suddenly something's clicked.
As Byron Katie puts it: "Who would you be without your story? "
Today I felt it.
Posted by Yael Brisker at Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed - A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage"
I have to say that I really enjoyed it though it started off a bit slow for me. And maybe I was a little bit sarcastic, as in: Well, she found the love of her life, now what can she possibly want to say?
I also have to say I really like Ms. Gilbert though of course I've never met her. But I watched her on TED.com and she was absolutely lovely. To me that means humble, sweet and very funny and intelligent. I also love her face, it really shines at me from the cover of her latest book. So I stuck with it.
Well, I really think for me it was an important book to read, as a not-yet-formally-divorced-but-separated- for-many-years-woman. She really goes deep into the subject of Matrimony. As deep as anyone who (as she herself says) is not a psychologist or anthropologist, can. This word is oddly, and I never noticed this before she pointed it out, made from the word Matriarch funny ah? Not Patriarch! Anyway she really goes into marriage and divorce from many different perspectives including her own family lineage. Beautifully written , there were pieces in it that were an actual relief for me to read and see that , wow, here is someone who's articulated something for me. For example:
"Part of what makes the experience of divorce so dreadful is the emotional ambivalence. It can be difficult, if not impossible for divorced people ever to rest in a state of pure grief, pure anger, or pure relief when it comes to feelings about one's ex-spouse. Instead the emotions often remain mixed up together in an uncomfortable raw stew of contradictions for many years. This is how we end up missing our ex-husband at the same time as resenting him."
As I write these words I get a phone call from my ex. Is it because we are not legally divorced yet, which is an issue I need to address, or because we share two relatively young children and are in constant contact with each other which I find at sometimes suffocating- for whatever reason I get terribly triggered by things he says and see how we never really divorce entirely. Even Ms. Gilbert writes how her ex haunts her dreams and probably always will.
And it brings up the question, am I really free to get into a new relationship? All this hoohaw around my ex lover being not free for me, well, AM I FREE? And then all my self judgments at how I react or how I am in relationships come up, including, why try at all?
So why, REALLY?
Ms. Gilbert sums it up towards the end of her book, saying, because
" We yearn for private intimacy even though it's emotionally risky, we yearn for private intimacy even when we suck at it "
So here I am, at yet another post-relationship stop at the road, still not able to put full closure on my old one....yearning...
Posted by Yael Brisker at Thursday, September 09, 2010